Living In the Sandwich Generation

My former mother in law had dementia before she passed away. I did find some humor in it and perhaps you can too (she one thought I was stealing her clothes, told her I was the laundry man, taking them to get them cleaned).I would see if another family member can give you a break for a weekend or maybe even a day. May see if you can find a friend whom they know to sit with them. You really need to get away from time to time to keep your sanity.

Time for you to take the bull by the horns,MsChelle. You are much too young to bear the full load without some support. Call for a family meeting with your brothers, tell them how it is and insist on their help. Or, if they're too busy to help then they can pick up the tab for a few days a week of hospice care. I have a tingling suspicion that you are much too easy going. Take charge, be firm and don't let anyone walk all over you, including those members in your own home. You deserve a life too !

This is not a perfect world and here in the US old age is avoided. So there are no guide lines. Then dementia takes it off the books anyway.

I have a brother, my mother has a son. I chose to move in and help my mother. I've been here for 15yrs and my mother is 94 and she has suffered from dementia for years. I tell my brother what he needs to know and not much more. His amount of care is just words.

He and I will split in half her assets after her death according to her trust. So he knows all that he wants to know. She begs him to visit and it has taken him 3 yrs. He lives in another country.

I could talk and try to guilt him, but why? If at 57 he doesn't know........he will never know. I can't waste my energy trying to change him.

So what I'm saying is........deal with what is real, grandma has dementia; mom's health is declining and I have a child to raise. Don't worry about your brothers. You can ask them for financial help if they can.

People know how to clean a house, but sometimes they have too many activities so they hire help. Your family may need to do that.

You need to be honest about why you are there. If you are there so that grandma and mom can babysit for free, you need to revaluate that. Is it still safe for your child? Is it taxing your mother's health?

It would be nice if we could get in a good situation and nothing would ever change, but that isn't reality.

I haven't been able to work for two years because her needs are greater now and she cannot be left alone. I've missed outings with friends, but I've found a couple of people to sit for a few hours. We are not rich, so I can only hire these people when it is important.

You just have to be honest about why you are there. What the needs are and what you can contribute to it. Make a plan, set goals and just be honest to you and everyone involved.

Thanks! I actually do find some humor in a lot of it.

One morning while I was doing the laundry and Gram was making her breakfast I had to pass the kitchen seven times. Each time, she looked up, saw me, smiled, waved, and said, "Good morning," and each time I smiled and said, "Good morning" back (couldn't wave - arms were full). After the seventh exchange of "Good mornings," Gram came up and said, "I said, 'Good morning to you, Michelle. Didn't you hear me?" I said, "No, Gram. I'm sorry. I didn't. Good morning. How are you."

We continue to relive conversations over and over again daily.

Now, she'll see her cat first thing in the morning and five minutes later, the cat is on my desk and my grandmother is asking me if I've seen her because she hasn't seen her in days.

I agree, and since one of my brothers just happens to be a respiratory therapist at out main trauma center...

Now, just what kind of a fool do you take me for, and who do you think you are to assume that I am living with my mother and grandmother just so they can babysit for free?

I have NEVER left my son with my mother unless SHE has asked me to, and the boy is 12 years old, so he no longer requires a babysitter anyway. Besides that, the tables have turned, and now HE IS THE BABYSITTER of my grandmother.

From the moment my parents divorced when I was 4 until I got married we (that is Mom, Gram, Pop, my two brothers and I) ALL LIVED TOGETHER UNDER THE SAME ROOF!

I spend 12 years in an abusive marriage and have only been out of it for 23 months.

The decision for me and my son to move back in with my mother and grandmother was a mutual decision between myself, my mother, and my grandmother, and WE (that is MOM, and I) decided to do it to help each other out.

I know I am just under 15 years your junior (I was born May 13th), but that doesn't make me irresponsible or immature. I am furious that you would come at me with such an absurd assumption. I am my son's mother, and when I was granted my divorce I was also granted custody of him. It is MY responsibility to take care of him, and that is exactly what I do - not my mother, not my grandmother - ME! Do you understand that?

I hope so, because otherwise it appears as if you resent the fact thar one of your own children has expected you to babysit for free, or one of your siblings has done that to your own mother.

Ah Ha Ha ..Right on MsChelle .."you do it woman" ..swing back real good ..you didn't deserve that crappy reply !