Parenting Young Adults

Oh thank God I am not the only one. Where does one go for guidance in this day and age? Today is my first day with your website so if I am rambling on please bear with :-)

What about the one who does not seem to grow up?

I have a 23 yr old daughter who is ADHD with an emphasis on H. She talks to everyone and their brother and the whole world is her friend. I too am ADD but on the opposite end of her(quiet, shy, hardworking, and I have piles of stuff) and have learned on my own the habits, scheduling and tools I need to keep me on task, though I will admit that procrastination is a problem that seems to be getting worse as I age. Perhaps the 2 of us just clash, but as her mother I am just so scared for her being out there on her own. She has not picked up any of the habits, she is just merrily marching along without a care. To me it seems really bad, she does not have health insurance, drivers license, knowledge of her finances or bills, couldn't even tell me what minute plan her cell phone has??? HELLO is anyone in there?? I support and love her whole heartedly but when is enough enough on my end? She lives with her fiance out of state BUT has been staying with us for about 6 months now while he attends bootcamp and school. We are out in the country with not much around to do locally - you have to drive. So needless to say I am a little stressed with the situation as i work from home and she has been here with me. Everyday I have to remind her of things to be done, normal everyday things. I figure if we are feeding and providing for her she can help with housework right? She is 23, did i say that before? I have to ask her to do a load of laundry. I have to ask her to vacuum. I have to ask her to dust. All this on a daily basis. Did I mention she is 23.AAAUUUGGGHHH, the simplest task involves holding her hand and walking her through it, why not just do it myself. I just don't get it. Am I being selfish, is she being selfish? No, she is not on any medication for her ADHD - she has no health insurance as she choose to leave the house and get on with her life. And she will be heading back to that next week.

So do I bite my tongue? I don't want to harp on her, that only produces bad feelings. Do i keep trying to wake her up? My husband (her stepfather) so politely pointed out that I "champion the underdog" and that currently it is her as she is here, so i don't give up, but maybe that is what is needed. I guess I am feeling that somehow I have not prepared her enough to be a young adult. Do you let them fall on their face? When do you take a step back or when do you step in? She just doesn't seem interested in trying??

In the book "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gilbran, there is a chapter or part or something I remember I read when I was 18 years old that was quite liberating. It says something like this: "Your children are not yours. They come through you but not from you. You can give them your love but not your thoughts". Something like that, which I am certain some literary critic will expeditiously criticize here shortly.

Anyway, that thought completely liberated me from worrying about my children, which I have four of, two young adults. From that little book, which I recommend, I learned that I have as much control over them as my parents have on me, which is not one point over zero.

I can only give them my love. theyll figure it out.

I don't remember the exact quote either and have no idea where my copy of the book ended up a million years ago - but I think it went something like, "Your children are not your children. They are the son's and daughter's of life's longing for itself."

!

Hi Luna,

Yes you do need to take a step back.

Stop doing so much for her. Have you ever heard the term enabling? Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.

Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which your daughter can comfortably continue her unacceptable behavior.

Helping is when we do something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

.

The quote:

Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but are not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So he loves also the bow that is stable.

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