So Am I Wrong to Pass On the Family Holidays This Year?

Posted: Dec 1, 08 12:16pm

My husband and I will be adopting a little one this Spring from China. She will be our first child and we are thrilled and excited beyond words.

The problem? My mother-in-law has not been the least bit supportive of this whole adoption thing. From the first time we mentioned the word "adoption", she'd shush us and say, "Uh, uh, uh! I don't want to hear about adoption... You two just have to keep trying." Naturally, she, like any other grandmother, would have liked a biological, "blood" grandchild... but it's just not happening and we can't do anything about it. (trust me, we've tried) Though she hasn't quite said so, she's shown us that she can't come to terms with, let alone "love", a baby from a different culture. It's been three years now that my husband and I have been tolerating ignorant comments from her (and her twin daughters from another marriage) like: "But why didn't you adopt from Russia so you could get a blonde, blue-eyed baby?"... "China? Why China???"... "Why not Korea... those babies are so much cuter!"... "Are you sure you don't want to try in-vitro?"... "Have you considered getting a surrogate-mother?"... "Did you check out Dave Thomas' adoption website?? You can request the type of baby you want... like blonde and blue-eyed!".

The "TYPE" of baby??? There is no "type" of baby that we want. All we want is "a" baby... and hopefully, we pray, a healthy one. Our daughter will be Chinese... we're Italian... so she won't look like us... so what?? Doesn't mean she won't love pasta and soccer like every good Italian! She'll be just like us every other way. But Grandma doesn't get this... she's still hoping for a blonde-blue eyed grandchild... one that looks like her (never mind us -- neither my husband nor I are blonde and blue eyed!).

We went to my MIL's this Saturday for a birthday celebration. Nice meal, great cake, blow out the candles, and what's the next thing that comes out of MIL's mouth? "So WHY is it you aren't adopting from Russia???". Still? Must we STILL put up with questions like this after three years in the China adoption program? And as if that weren't enough, she followed this brilliant remark with "Oh, I just saw my friend and her adopted baby the other day... Oh, that baby is SO cute!! She doesn't even look Chinese!"

It's been three years of this and I've finally taken a stance. (I've been polite and have held back from lashing back at her ever since.) I will not be celebrating Christmas, New Year's or any other holiday/occassion at my MIL's anymore. Grandma is embarrassed to have a Chinese granddaughter, so our little one will simply not be a part of her life. I feel awful because this is my husband's family, but I just can't stand these cutting, hurtful, ignorant, discriminatory remarks anymore. My husband can go see his family if he chooses, but I will no longer be a part of those visits. Am I wrong???