Communicating with Mars

I think it's up to each of us to educate our intimates in the care and feeding of us. Sometimes it's very explicit: "I really require those in my life to be on time. If that's something you can't or won't do, let's make some arrangements that do not require me to wait for you, such as going in separate cars."

Which one of two people makes the accommodation is up to the personality of the individual. My chronically late friend has made a real effort over the years, while I, knowing her tendencies, cut her some slack. I ask her to bring the dessert, for example and not the hors d'oevres to a potluck.

If you make some changes, I'm sure your partner will too.

Why not just state your preferences directly? Like, "Honey, I think it's much easier and faster to turn the light off and on from the switch, rather than the light itself. Could we agree to just use the switch instead?" Then, like Isadora said, cut him a little slack. Sometimes he'll probably forget.

Or, maybe he feels it's easier to turn the light off and on from the lamp itself. In that case, I guess you can decide whether or not this is something you really want to get upset about. Jon Kabat-Zinn wrote about something similar in one of his books. He was upset because his wife and kids left dirty cat food dishes in the sink, but when he thought about it, he realized they weren't doing it to slight him. He decided it really didn't make any difference at all.

I guess I tend to think that everything in life is like that. We can choose to be angry at everything or nothing. We can choose to accept ourselves and others just as we are, or we can choose to make ourselves completely miserable.

I think it is the responsibility of both parties in a realtionship to be as caring as possible. One way to show caring is to try and avoid the other's hot buttons. If you're the only one doing that, then say so and say clearly why that isn't OK with you. If he is doing something on a regular basis that you don't like, then address that directly. Once you're clear about what you want, you can see his behavior and decide what you're willing to live with. My husband has never learned how to hang the towels up in the bathroom the way I like. It drives me crazy, but he's such a great guy in so many other ways, that I have learned to adjust the towels every day. I'm sure there are things about my behavior that he'd say the same about.

I agree that you should try to get at the root of any problem. In the long run that's the only way to avoid ongoing fights about the same things over and over again.

I generally agree with most things you say, Talia, and love the gentle and direct way you say them. That said, getting to the root of any problem is far from the ONLY way to avoid fights about it.

The way to quit quarreling over the same thing is to find a solution that you both can live with. Voila, no ongoing bickering. The why is immaterial. Did his mother do something similar? Her first boyfriend? Does s/he feel this quirk is a sign of a major character disorder? It really doesn't matter. We can only guess at the why's of most behaviors in any case.

You make a really good point Isadora. I can tell you're a therapist and so define root cause (correctly) in the clinical sense. What I meant to say was if you're constantly fighting about the little things, there may be some big thing at the bottom of it. Getting to the big thing might make the small things go away.

I really appreciate everyone's input, you guys are wonderfully intelligent.

My marriage is new, preceded by a five year relationship. For the first time in my life I can't seem to communicate properly. The message I have, if even slightly negative is usually meaningless because the focus is always on the delivery. I didn't have the right tone or look on my face; I was accusatory or too sure that something transpired in a certain way or for a specific reason. I can't make observations or voice gut feelings because I have no proof but if I withhold that information until a scenario plays out, I get..."why didn't you say anything".

Is it because I don't hedge, flower things up or pussyfoot? I ask and answer questions as directly as I can because that's what I appreciate. Is it only when and because I disapprove? Why is this a non issue with the 90% positive glorification and appreciation I give him? How can I fix this?

While no solution is foolproof, I find that talking about "I" instead of "you" helps avoid a lot of this. "I find it easier to turn on the light from the switch" or "I feel hurt when it seems that my feelings don't matter to you" are much less potentially hurtful than or "What did you do" or "You hurt my feelings".

Its a little thing, but it helps diffuse the implied accusation