My husband won't have sex.

I am in pretty much the same situation, although I've been married longer than you. Once I told my husband, "If you aren't interested in sex with me, I'll find someone who is." That got his attention, at least for awhile.

I think you need to find a good counselor to help you figure out how much you're willing to compromise and what your choices are. It would be great if he could go with you, but if he won't go, it would still be helpful to go on your own.

There is a tbd set of scripts on this topic that might be helpful at http://www.tbd.com/relationships/scripts/situation/scripts_ll_more_sex.html

You say that the rest of your relationship is not good. I think that might be effecting everything in your relationship including the sex. This is a hard problem to solve and requires a lot of understanding and agreement from each partner in order to create a set of agreements you can both live with. Even in the best of marriages it can be a strain. If things are not good to begin with, that will make this even harder. I agree that couseling is essential here. Try your best to get your husband to go with you. If he won't, then go alone.

Remember that you do deseve to have the kind of love, intimacy,and sex that you want in your life. Good luck in getting it.

You and Amanda are not the only women to post on TBD with this issue. It's not as uncommon as popular myths would have it that the woman wants sex and the man doesn't as much or at all.

His issue could be physical (waning powers), psychological (anger or depression) or within the relationship between you. In any case, you can only do what you feel you need to so counseling until that's decided seems the only option - together or alone.

The general assumption in our culture is that men want sex more than women do. But I've surveyed sex therapists on this issue and they say that when couples complain of desire differences, in 30 to 40 percent of cases, the woman is the one who wants more sex and the man wants less or none. So as Isadora says, your situation may not be the rule, but it's pretty common.

What to do? You might try the article in the Love Life library on desire differences. Use the search function: Desire Differences. But it sounds to me like this has gone on for so long that the sexual issue has become complicated by resentments, not to mention the other relationship issues you have. That argues for couples counseling or sex therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapistsat www.aasect.org. Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.

It's possible that therapy might help you guys reach a mutual accommodation that works. But no guarantees. In that case, then you might consider a lover--Craigslist is a good place to look: Casual Encounters. Or it might be time to move on. Only you can decide.

Michael, I generally agree with your posts and have found the suggestions you gave to me in answer to a question quite helpful. But craigslist for finding a sex partner? Is that safe or smart? Has this really worked for people?

Amanda you right on! Go with or without your spouse. Love and sex are connected. Even if there are problems but with communitcation and a heathy love life you can make it. it sounds like if the man doesn't want a sexual relationship is becuase he's not there mentally anyways but only filling a space on the couch. Pity I love my wife and our imperfect marriage and sex life.Which means I need to work on both!!

You are not alone, I have the same problem with my husband. For the last 3 months I have been going to bed alone and waking up alone, I do everything alone my husband spends all his time at our neighbors house he is there more than here.( Yes they are married very happily) They drink alot he gets drunk on regular basis. I am very lonely, we used to do alot together now all he does is drink and sleep. I am to the point of no return in our relationship, but I don't want another divorce on my hands and I do Love him. I can live without the sex but I miss having a husband to talk to and do things with. I miss my partner.