I'm curious about how others have handled the situations where your parents want to Age In Place but it is obvious that a crisis will probably lead to a major move, eventually. I find the dance a bit difficult.
My mother lives alone in the house I grew up in - 5 big bedrooms, huge lot, pool, the works and 51 years in the same place. She is in very good health and travels and drives all over the place but something will happen and I'm afraid it will be a crisis and then the new move will cause a rapid downfall in spirits and quality of life.
I'm OK with whatever is going to happen because I've broached the subject with her for years and she knows her options but I still think she isn't being realistic. Do I just get over it and help her get along the best she can when that eventuality happens or do I continue to try to persuade her to make a move earlier? I kind of think that if she were to move earlier and make friends while she is still very active, that she might actually live longer in a better Age in Place situation.
Any thoughts, ideas or experiences out there?
Posted: Mar 15, 07 3:23pm
* includes photos
If your mother wants to live out the rest of her life in her home of many years, you could always consider in home care or a live in caretaker to help her out with household duties (i.e. an Estate Manager) of sorts.
Alot of seniors would prefer to live the remainder of their lives in the home they have known and loved for so many years.
If money is an issue, you could consider a Reverse Mortgage to give her extra monies (i.e. either a cash account to draw monies from or a monthly allowance) This would free up any financial worries, it could allow her to have repairs done on the house, travel, etc. You can go to my Discussions and read about Reverse Mortgages, I know an excellent Reverse Mortgage Specialist who can answer all your questions, and also Rob Black who is a Financial Advisor has a write up on Reverse Mortgages.
All in all, if your mother wishes to stay in her home of many years...why relocate her and possibly cause any upset?
I think our parents should stay comfortable and cozy in their homes rather than move in to a senior home setting (if they can do this)
Hope this helps!
Best of luck to you and your mom. :)
Your mom is very lucky to have such a caring daughter as you are
Posted: Mar 15, 07 4:05pm
That's a tough one because your mom is still in good health. But several years ago my parents gave up their big house and moved into a two-bedroom house in a gated "senior" community. They love it! They know all their neighbors, they have monthly parties and bbqs at a shared "club house" and my mom exercises with her buddies every morning. As for my dad, he helps his neighbor with his car, and the neighbor (who is a retired barber) cuts my dad's hair.
I think you are right about the social aspects of aging. In my opinion, it's isolation that speeds up all the health problems.
Posted: Mar 15, 07 4:10pm
Hi TantraSuzie,
Welcome to a tough time...but I hope that the community on TeeBeeDee will help you avoid a few of the rough patches ahead.
I've moved two sick parents and put my Grandmother through mulitple levels of care - from home caregivers right through to hospice - so I'm here to help. First off, you've done some good prep - the conversations are hard and you've had them! The difficult part is knowing when that line is crossed and it's time to take the next step. My best advice to you is to start to do research now - costs, benefits, insurance, etc. on the local options available. Start with the most likely first scenario - in-home care, and get as much info as you can. BUT (and this is a big but), make sure you know all you can about step two...that was the biggest mistake I made. I got the home healthcare thing down, but then things went progressively downhill fast and I had to move my Nan to dementia care/assisted living before I had my research. You don't want to be in that situation. And it's invaluable to bring in a lawyer/financial advisor while your mother is doing well to make sure you have all the paperwork done now - power of attorney, living will, perhaps putting the home in a trust, etc. The paperwork associated with the medical aspects of caring for an elder is staggering...so get the legal stuff done early and out of the way.
I know it sounds like a lot of work (and it is!), but the more ready YOU are, the easier the transition will be for your Mom when the time comes.
Now, about the moving part...honestly, I moved my folks before they became too physically impaired but it was a total fluke - they saw a condo they loved, decided they hated shoveling snow, bought before it was even built, and by the time they moved in neither was in the condition to deal with the old homestead. So their move was easy. But my Grandmother - oy! What an emotional drain that was...keep the dialogue going with your Mom, take her around to see what's available (just on a "what if" basis) and maybe something will just click with her...if she sees a bunch of active seniors having a grand old time, then maybe the maintenance of a big house will look a little less desireable over time.
Please let us know how it's going...and remember to take the time to enjoy your Mom...
Posted: Mar 16, 07 4:14pm
That's really great advice for all of us Brianne! Thanks for sharing.
Posted: Mar 17, 07 6:14pm
Thank you to all of you. I wasn't expecting such a robust and wise set of comments!
It's the part about the quality of life that really has me stuck the most, I think. She has many friends in her neighborhood and most of them are quite a bit younger than she is, so that's really good. When we have gone to a couple of places to just go 'see' what they are like her comments run a long the lines of "They are old people. I'm not there yet". So...we'll see how it goes. We may all get lucky and it will be a smooth ride.
And thinks for the reminder to love her up and hang out with her a lot. Luckily I'm pretty close and we are a big family so she doesn't hurt for company. In fact she flew herself up to Seattle for 10 days to see one of my brothers and then she's off to Hawai'i in a few weeks with one of her girls friends. All at 83 1/2!
I guess she's going to have to dictate what and when and where.
Thanks again to all of you,
Suzie
Posted: Mar 19, 07 11:15am
My family was faced with this choice last year when my stepfather passed away suddenly.
We were lucky because my mother was completely engaged in the choices and did her own research and analysis of costs and benefits. She decided to sell the house, even though it was set up for her needs. The cost of in-home care was simply too much.