Facing Death: Your personal view.

I am a bit death-obsessed, read the obituaries in the NY TImes every day. I didn't think a lot about it for myself until finding the lump that turned out to be breast cancer...so for a several week period, and then intensely for one week until my surgery/pathology, I thought about it nonstop. I have to say, I wasn't scared. (And that is coming from someone who is a real scaredy cat, gets pretty terrified before every plane flight, despite my multi-million-miles total.) When actually facing the prospect of death (until my pathology reports showed the cancer not to be life-threatening) I was worried for my kids, hysterical that I wouldn't get to see them grown up. But not scared.

to me death is you step in to a big coma and never wake up

As long as nobody can tell me when it will happen, I live life. If I knew, I might waste time contemplating death and that would be a waste of precious time. I prepared my records for after I am dead so that what is supposed to be found will be found.

I leave nothing behind of which I am ashamed so when all the trash I collected is discarded, there will be no surprises.

I am not that important that the world will not survive well without me but if someone chooses to miss me when I'm gone, let me know now while I can appreciate it.

I will have no service in my honor. What little honor I have accumulated is already behind me. Now it is someone else's turn.

Dead is dead. I won't be here to look over anyone's shoulder for two reasons: First, I believe that the afterlife is a bag of goods sold by organized religion to fools who pay for the priviledge of having a man wearing a skirt tell them that they will have a place in the afterlife. Second, if there were an afterlife, I certainly wouldn't choose to have it here!

I treat those close to me with love and respect but demand nothing in return from them. I do not hold my worldly possessions over the heads of my future heirs so that they will produce something I want in the here and now. When I am gone, it is theirs to save, spend or waste. If my wife outlives me, that will be her problem because everything we have is jointly owned so the last one out the door will have the priviledge of creating the distribution rights. We didn't need prenups. When we were married, we had two used cars and two new college degrees. My wife brought along an old bedroom set but I didn't hold it against her! We worked for laughable wages in the beginning and what we made, we made together.

Fear death? To fear death, you have to fear life and I attack life with a gusto that has always been my trademark. People who live in fear, have to live in fear of something. They attribute it to fear of death but I think that is just another excuse for not living life full-tilt.

I look with pride to the accomplishments of those around me and will regret not seeing everything my son and granddaughter accomplish in their wonderful careers unless I can take Google with me when I go! Every day brings some piece of news about one or both of them and I treasure each morsel. It does get me saying that I will find a way to stretch my days because each one brings something new to look forward to.

When I die, I will be thankful for the life I've had. I summed it up in a little poem I wrote last year:

Times were happy, times were sad;

Times were good and bad.

But when I look back on my life,

Oh, what a time I've had!

I was a sickly child and had the Last Rites of the Catholic Church twice--but I really do not remember much about those experiences.

My brother was killed in a freak accident when he was 20 (I was 21). I did not even think about mortality until then. My ideas about death and mortality and funerals kind of formed then. My brother was a very good person, smart, artistic. At the funeral home I felt like I was watching from outside my body. The grief of my parents was terrible to see. Since I am the oldest child people would talk to me and I felt that because I was younger I was not experiencing the same level of grief as my parents. So I felt like I had to be very brave for my folks and my younger brothers. I think I really did not grieve properly for several years because of that.

I also observed the rituals we have in dealing with death--the "wake," the flowers, picking out a fancy casket. All I really wanted to do was to remember my brother and I did not need those things to recall what a good person he was and how much fun we had growing up. We were at the funeral home for three long days before the funeral and it was exhausting. People would pull me aside to talk about details of the funeral or my brother's death because, again they did not want to bother my parents--I was only 21 at the time !!

Eight years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and thought a lot about my mortality again. Happily I am doing great but there is always a nagging in the back of my mind about what can happen and how in a flash our lives can be turned upside down. I choose to think more about how I am living my life than about dying. But I do not really fear death because it is part of our natural cycle and rhythm of life.

When my husband's beloved Uncle died a couple of years ago after a courageous battle with cancer that lasted nine years there was the most wonderful service in his church. It was not sad at all--it was a true celebration of his life. Each of his children told some very funny and moving stories for his eulogy. Then friends and family could stand up and tell some of their favorite memories of Uncle H. afterwords we went to his home and had a good time remembering him. His daughter said, "Dad would have loved this party!" It might sound weird but that was the most "life-affirming" funeral I ever attended. And that is how I would like my funeral to be--life affirming and "one hell of a party.' Of course, we miss Uncle H--he was one terrific person. But I think of him often and fondly and that is how I would like to be remembered.

So, no, I do not fear death. I do not dwell on it that much. I think I have lived a pretty good life and I have tried to make a difference. I have few regrets. I hope to live a healthy life until a ripe old age--but that is really not my choice. So I will keep on living as I have until my time here is over . . .

I'm lookin' forward to it, though I have a ton of stuff I wanna do in this life, and I can't bear the thought of not being with my kids. But, that's one reason I like Buddhism - it's just a different state of being. But, the whole 40 virgins concept kinda makes me want to go Islamic martyr route...:). And I like the way it's characterized in "The Lovely Bones".

I guess the way I look at it is: I'm the last person that'll be suffering when I die - 'cuz I'll be dead. I won't even be able to feel sorry for all the folks I love that I've left. So far as I know it's an appointment ya can't get out of...so, why be scared?

Milt, I like your attitude!

Being dead is not a fear but the process of dying is something that can be a scary thought.

Will it be a long, drawn out process or sudden? Guess I'll wait and see and hope for the best!

Until then, I'll live the best I can, enjoying the journey and when I die, it will be a wonderful reunion with my sweet daughter Tracy who died five years ago, my mother who has been gone 9 years, my beloved grandfather who has been gone over 30 years. There is a bright side to everything!