A survey in the New York Times magazine (May 7, 2000), asked married couples: "As long as you're sexually faithful to your spouse, do you think it's okay to fantasize about having sex with someone else?" More respondents said "No” (48 percent) than "Yes" (46 percent) with 6 percent declining to answer.
Meanwhile, other surveys have shown that while making love with their spouse, the vast majority of adults fantasize about having sex with other partners. In fact, in a survey by University of Vermont researchers, sex with a partner other than one's spouse was the single most popular fantasy: 84 percent of the 178 respondents admitted having it during intercourse.
Many expressed "significant guilt" about such fantasies, believing them the moral equivalent of unfaithfulness, and harmful to their relationships. That jives with the New York Times report. In addition, those who felt the most guilt about fantasies of other lovers also reported the least overall sexual satisfaction.
Fantasy and Friction
Fulfilling lovemaking is a combination of friction and fantasy. Most lovers enjoy the friction. But many feel uncomfortable with their own fantasies. What a shame to feel guilty about something as normal—and healthy—as sexual fantasies during lovemaking.
If you feel "mentally unfaithful" when you have fantasies of others lovers during lovemaking with your main squeeze, you might be able to forgive yourself if you view sex as a interpersonal form of spirituality, a mutual meditation, if you will.
In meditation, people take an break from the usual routine. They sit quietly, breathe deeply, empty their minds of all conscious thoughts, and focus on their breath or repeat a word or phrase (mantra). With a little practice, you feel connected to the universe.
But emptying the mind is not easy. For most people, it’s impossible. Random thoughts flit by. Meditation teachers advise simply accepting these thoughts without judging them, no matter how disconcerting they might be. Your thoughts during meditation are no reflection on you. They are simply there, like dreams. You're not responsible for them. Observe them, and then let them go.
Sex Is A Meditation
Lovemaking is similar. It, too, involves n break from. Lovers breath deeply, relax, and feel deeply connected with each other. They don’t sit quietly (at least I hope not); instead, they substitute sensuality for mantra. But in most respects, sex is similar to meditation.
It might be nice during sex to empty your mind of all thoughts other than those of your lover. But as in meditation, that’s impossible. Other thoughts inevitably come and go—including fantasies of other lovers. As in meditation, try to accept them without judging them. They are no reflection on your morality, faithfulness, or mental health. In sexual fantasy, as in meditation, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong.
The only time a sexual fantasy of another lover might signal a problem is if you take steps to make it really happen. But here we’re not focusing on falling out of love. We’re concerned with true fantasies, fleeting notions.
Accept Your Fantasies
Sexual fantasies tend to diminish with age—in one study, 60-year-old women reported only half as many as 25-year-old women. But no matter how many you have, accepting them allows greater relaxation during lovemaking, and relaxation is key to sexual enjoyment. Feeling guilty about sexual fantasies injects anxiety into sex, and anxiety interferes with the pleasure of lovemaking. No wonder that in the University of Vermont survey, respondents who said they felt guilty about their fantasies of others lovers were also the ones who reported the least overall sexual fulfuilment.
The late Rodney Dangerfield used to tell a story of making love with his girlfriend. They're going at it passionately, but something is wrong. Neither of them really feels all that aroused. Finally, Dangerfield disengages and says: "What's the matter, honey? Can't you think of anyone either?"
Posted: Jan 9, 08 5:31am
Michael, thanks for yet another informative, thoughtful, and thought provoking post. I love my fantasies, but am sometimes a bit embarrased by them which is why I hardly ever share them. Most are much more bawdy than I could be in reality and some are clearly illegal (how's that for an attorney??) Contrary to your study, I find that mine are increasing with age. I have no idea why, but thought that was an interesting contrast to your post. It doesn't disturb me, so I guess it is OK.
I'm going to try to accept the meditation metaphor and see where that takes me.
Again, thanks for your wonderful perspective on these issues.
Posted: Jan 9, 08 2:50pm
Michael,
When I was younger and early in my marriage, I used to feel guilty about having fantasies when making love." Sex was fair to middling".
As I have matured in my relationship I have come to accept my fantasies. I think that having fantasies enhances sexual experiences/relationship.
Also I have become more comfortable with my sexuality and sensuality over the years. I can assert with utmost confidence that sex is a wonderful spiritual connection. Sex is absolutely FABULOUS! BTW- mine are also increasing with age. Also thank you for an excellent and insightful post.
Posted: Apr 21, 08 7:13am
So what are your fantasies usually about?
Posted: Jan 9, 08 4:18pm
Michael, You and I are in some disagreement on this issue. Of course people have fantasies about being ravished by pirates or a grizzly bear, or a cousin. And, yes, these fantasies should be welcomed as proof of a creative mind. However, if a couple together for a long time can't get inspired by one another and CONSISTENTLY has to imagine someone else in their bed, to me this is a sign of disengagement that's not to be encouraged.
You found this person hot at one time. Fantasize him or her then. If sex is routine fantasize your mate and you in some outlandish situation. Remember or plan a time when sex together was all that was needed. Bring your mate into your fantasies rather than exclude him or her. Indulge your fantasies of others during solo sex.
Posted: Jan 10, 08 9:56am
Whoa, Isadora, we disagree so rarely. Your suggestion of including one's honey in one's fantasies is a good one--for those who can manage it. But do you think people should feel guilty if they can't? Guilt causes anxiety, and anxiety can ruin sex. That's why I suggest accepting one's fantasies, period. If people become disengaged from one another, it'll become apparent in their real lives. To me, disengagement during fantasies is less of in issue.
Posted: Feb 23, 08 8:36am
Isadora,
My wife tells me..."just cause you are on a diet, doesn't mean you can't look at the menu, as long as you eat at home" :)
We slimy men are visual creatures, I love my wife, she is a beautiful women in her own right...no doubt she is the inspiration for many other married men.
To think that a wandering eye is a slippery slope IMHO is insufficient evidence in and of itself.
Via la difference', just don't touch :)
Posted: Jan 10, 08 10:50pm
Guilt is a useless emotion with rare exceptions. However, if someone can not manage to bring his or her mate into the fantasy life in any capacity when they are together, that person needs to acknowledge that there exists a major gulf that might be reparable with some effort.
Retreating into fantasy all or most of the time one is with a regular partner is not part of a healthy relationship. If neither party cares, then they don't care. As a sex therapist, I have seen the damage that can be done to a loving connection when one partner sexually disconnects in this way. I can't look at it as a harmless diversion when it is a constant,
Posted: Jan 11, 08 5:17am
most all have fanasty;s
Posted: Jan 11, 08 8:23am
They seem unavoidable.
Posted: Jan 11, 08 8:28am
As usual this won't fit here. Sometimes during sex when maybe I'm not totally on board, I think about birthday cake or something else I'd rather be enjoying besides being someone's tension release.
Posted: Jan 11, 08 8:39am
Huh?
This sounds like something the lady dressed in the plain brown wrapper would say. Did you see that post?
Posted: Jan 31, 08 2:43am
Hi Isadora,
This thread has really inspired me and I've decided to act my fantasy out. I'm working on 300 gallons of chocolate syrup, obtaining the tarp from Yankee Stadium, and I've already written to the cast of Cirque du Soleil. Does anyone know where I can get a jaws of life?
Seriously, I don't think Michael was referring to constant fantasizing. Too much of anything is bad. But I don't see anything wrong with the occasional daydream, even during sex though that rarely happens to me. I can fantasize outside of the act but when I'm doing it, I am usually really into it.
Posted: Feb 22, 08 4:24am
i hear you, olivia. in the past, i've been known to write grocery lists or do math equations in my head while my now ex-h was getting busy.
Posted: May 10, 08 9:29pm
I think you said that beautifully Isodora, the words disconnect, disengaged, and "major gulf" say it all. I don't know many women/men that would welcome the idea of their partners regularly fantasizing about someone else during intercourse. I imagine there would be little eye contact, and the level of intimacy would be diminished after a while. It all appears to be harmless enough, but I think some men and some women would be wounded by this being a regular diversion during intercourse. I don't know about this number being reflective of a general populaton of couples, it sounds disproportionately high to me.
Posted: May 17, 08 8:48am
J'ai une question....what if the fantasies involve, shall we say, rather darker or kinkier tastes, do you deny that part of your sexuality? In an ideal world, one could discuss their fantasies openly and honestly with your beloved and maybe, even indulge some of them with each other.But and however, in this less than perfect universe, a lot of us :a) have partner's that are either tight lipped or tight assed about their desires, b) have an itch that can't be scratched in reality (7ft giantess with size 5 feet and a male appendage?????) or c)like variety but want to be monogamist.What's a person to do?
Posted: Jan 11, 08 8:38am
* includes photos
what am I supposed to do here?
surfergirl
Posted: Jan 11, 08 8:41am
Help the TBD programmers understand the difference between pictures in landscape and portrait mode. Some notes on the aspect ratio would be helpful too.
Posted: Apr 4, 08 8:51am
Keep doing whatever you're doing. It's working for you. You look great!
Posted: Jan 11, 08 12:35pm
Olivia,
There's times when a Carvel Ice Cream birthday cake is actually more fun.
Posted: Jan 11, 08 12:38pm
Thank you Uncle Spencer. It helps pass the time. That's what I love about thinking. It's so private.
Posted: Jan 11, 08 5:34pm
Ok.
Posted: Jan 11, 08 5:59pm
Fine.
Posted: Jan 11, 08 6:04pm
and so it goes...
Posted: Jan 11, 08 7:02pm
Sometimes I type before I think. I did not mean to bring up a possibly sensitive issue.
Yes, I did notice a nice remark. Thank you, it does mean a lot.
L
Posted: Jan 12, 08 2:05am
L
o
Posted: Jan 12, 08 4:16am
I guess I will chime in on this one as it strikes one of my central nerves. Lets start with what a fantasy is. To me, while related, I see fantasies, dreams and hope as very different. They probably come for the same area of the brain; but each is very different. A dream is something that you desire and that has the actual realistic possibility of coming true if you work toward it. It is hope that actually gives us what we need to work and move forward to accomplishing our dreams. A fantasy is something that is unlikely to actually come true even if we work toward it. It is something that we have little hope of actually coming to pass; and in most instances would never even want them to come true.
Using this as a guideline, I have to agree with Michael on this one. Looking at Isadoras proposition, I see a communication problem within the relationship. Im not going to just fantasize about something with my partner. If it is something that has crossed my mind that I think I might enjoy – that I might want to try or experiment with - then I need to bring it up to my partner. If I cant, then there is a communication problem. Maybe others can, but I don’t see how I can just have a fantasy about my partner. If one of us can think of it; if it crosses one of our minds; then it is open for discussion. From there it will be determined whether it is a dream (desire) or a fantasy. I can fantasize about finding big foot or having sex with Miss America; but I have little hope that either will actually come true. But then having sex on the roof with my partner, now that has real possibilities.
Posted: Jan 12, 08 5:20pm
Well put.
Posted: Jan 13, 08 3:11pm
Hell, yes, Michael!
My dream lover has been Sean Connery since 1962, when I discovered him in "Dr. No".
Hey... I still wouldn't kick him out of bed :)
Posted: Jan 14, 08 1:20am
Lets start with the fantasy.That's what starts a person to fantasize,is it being told or are you supose to do something just becoz someone else it doing it? Is it your's or a story that's being told?most of these questions don't have a deep enough thought behind them,Like why do people have fantasies,ask that question,then call the shrink,and get the real answere,if you beleave the shrinks answere.Just becoz someone tells me I'm wrong doesn't mean they know how or why I said,or did something.People don't act and think alike so that should give you a clue,Maybe a wrong can be a right under the right leadership.I quit being a sheep when I grew up,and got out on my own.Even Gods rule book tells you to desern the word,that's good information there,ask the one who knows.To accept your fantasies,is like being the leader of the bunch of kids that jumped of the bridge,what would your mom say about that? And that's my thoughts about that,I hope it really helps someone,even though it's an off the top of my head answere,I could be wrong, and only my maker, will I, be able to judge by.
Posted: Jan 14, 08 1:51am
I think you did a fine job. I'm planning to read this again.
Posted: Jan 14, 08 3:22am
I had some trouble parsing this one. It might help to break it up into paragraphs and use the spell checker.
Posted: Jan 14, 08 5:07am
"
This comment will self destruct in 5 minutes.
Posted: Jan 14, 08 11:13am
Well,I guess spell checker would be exactly what I was thinking.In my own mind,in my own words.That I spell check everything.Thank you for the opinion of my spelling.And now that I think of it,I was fantasizeing that just normal everyday people read this advise without a degree in world perfection trates.
Posted: Jan 14, 08 11:29am
Seriously, it is helpful to make the meaning as clear as possible to the reader.
Posted: Jan 14, 08 2:45pm
* includes photos
i think if we didnt have fantesies and individuality it would be a colorless world. It's natural and human to have imagination and fantesy ,some more then others, Its the ones that are fasinatinating,thrilling , the ones we find full of suspense& drama that we find on the screen .
i like people and learning,cards,dominoes,jokes,and making freinds
Posted: Jan 14, 08 8:07am
I think that fantasies are healthy and I have friends who have acted on them and have turned out great but some others not so well.
Posted: Jan 14, 08 8:30am
I agree, I have had fantasies involving multiple men and being with a woman and they are no longer fantasies!! I do feel that fantasies come true if oyu want them too.
Posted: Jan 15, 08 4:09pm
I believe that fantasies are a valid part of any relationship... as a "for instance" my wife has discovered romance novels; the tawdry, steamy ones that can't even really be called "well-written" pieces of fiction. She's found that, even though she is quite well-read and educated, even though our sex life is quite fun, inventive and frisky... she gets an extra "charge" from reading the trash novel occasionally... but I don't have any more problem with that than she does allowing me to look at soft-porn internet pictures and pinup models. What she is thinking in her head while we make love is absolutely her business, just as it should be the same for me.
Don't know if this fit into this conversation, but oh well.
Posted: Jan 15, 08 9:38pm
Many people consider romance novels porn for women. But if they're fuel for fantasies that heat things up, why not?
Posted: Jan 31, 08 1:03am
You know what? That was very very helpful. I'm glad that I took the time to read your article. I'm starting to feel better already! Kinky thoughts included!
Posted: Feb 11, 08 7:50am
I just lost my whole message by backing up....live and learn.
Hi Michael,
I am new here. I am in a new marriage/ 2 year relationship, starting over again after previous marriages.
Because I am new here, I am replying to this thread late.
I am a little jealous of my new husband. He thinks of much younger women and fantasizes about them, I am sure. I suspect he fantasizes during sex with me. I think he mostly fantasizes about body parts...faceless people....and I am sure he feels it is harmless. He may even throw in a fantasy of Britney Spears, Jessica Biel, or Paris Hilton once in a while. <argh-lol> I know he is faithful-- at least now....and I hoping he will be for the future as well.
I almost never fantasize during sex. The times I do, it is about something involving my husband and I...what we are doing and with whoever else.
I am not sure I can say it is okay with me that he fantasizes about other people....especially if he were to fantasize about someone in his real life like a co-worker. That is not good, IMO. However, I do think he may do that from time to time. He took a class not too long ago, and I think he was fantasizing about a young student or two from his class. Just my suspicions. He seemed to pick up on his masturbation at that time.
I think it is complicated....
Posted: Feb 12, 08 7:45am
I can't tell you how to feel. If you feel badly about your husband's sexual fantasies, well, that's how you feel. All I can say is that the research shows that the number one sexual fantasy is doing it with someone other than your regular partner. It doesn't mean that the fantasizer is unhappy with the regular partner, or planning to cheat on that partner. Novelty is erotically exciting. When you have a regular lover, even a lover you love deeply, who turns you on, fantasizing someone else can make the sex with the regular lover hotter. Like I said, that may bother you. But it doesn't bother me. An old saying sums up my feelings: It doesn't matter where you get your appetite--as long as you come home for dinner.
Posted: Feb 12, 08 8:32am
Michael,
Thank you, but I did not ask you to tell me how to feel. I don't think I did. I made my comments. I seriously don't mean to sound rude, but I know you intended your article to be an affirmation for people who fantasize about others outside of their relationships- for them to stop feeling guilty because it is normal. I am not saying it is not "normal" or what is the norm,....However, it is not always comfortable for the other person in the relationship. I don't drive myself crazy over it, but it is not the most pleasant feeling in the world for me at other times. I guess my feelings change depending on the day. Can we say menopause? LOL! It's tough getting older. Anyway...I understand your theory and have heard it before many times. If you are benefiting, you figure why ask where that is coming from.
Posted: Feb 12, 08 9:08am
Hi Michael, I totally agree with your post. I fantasize sometimes when making love to my hubby and i see nothing wrong with it, to me it just helps enhance our love making sessions.
Posted: Feb 12, 08 10:12am
Heck, if it wasn't for my sexual fantasies, I would have nothing to write about but the truth and that, though interesting, isn't something readers care about in fiction because all of us have a reality and even a good one isn't as "technicolor" as a fantasy!
I do not fantasize over the actresses, singers and models - or porn stars others fantasize about. Because of my history as both therapist to a number of celebrities and to the sex industry and my connections in the entertainment industry, I have known a number of them in real life and I will tell you right off the top, often, to know them is to end any hope of fantasy about them.
When you know for a fact that fantasy eliminates not only all the physical imperfections but the imperfections of spirit and psyche, you come to know that nobody in the real world is a fantasy. One of the reasons for their high divorce rate other than the fact that they do not abide by the rules of civilization that protect marriages is the fact that when they wake up with bad breath, get a pimple or smell like a moose in heat, it breaks the illusion they often work so hard to create. And to know that the camera, the makeup, the costumes are magic, not the person is to break the illusion before it can sweep you away. The tools of the trade hide flaws of face and figure and slow the process of aging. By selection, they can make a four hour labor a thirty second hot sexy scene.
I can think of a little songbird I know. When you see her picture, she is a fantasie impromptu of the first order. Slim and blond, young and saucy are just a few of the words that describe her. But in person, she isn't careful about hygiene, she must drown herself in garlic and has a look in her eyes much of the times that would scare the Demon Barber of Fleet Street out of a year's growth. No, it isn't you know who! She's even worse ... and no, she isn't the kind of people I meet.
Me? I invent women who are superior to the real human race. If I am going to have a fantasy, it will be with someone whose qualities are beyond the human experience. There is Tawdry Audrey, the whore with a heart of gold and Ellen, the girl with the razzle-dazzle eyes. There is womanhood's perfect exemplar - Marianne - perfect wife, mother and lover. She soothes the spirit and can whip up a mean beef stew while making love in front of the stove. Then there is Shelly Kelly, the world-weary wisdom-generating woodland nymph who says, "I love you so much, I can't ever see you again ... but we still have a few minutes, so c'mere."
I have a treasure trove full of such characters that work well with me no matter what age I choose to be in my fantasies. They all take fragments of real people but only enough to build a fantasy around.
I was a fool as a young man. I built real girls and women into fantasy creatures so I kept getting let down or shot down by people who didn't exist living in bodies that did. But I did later in life get some great love poetry out of these brief encounters.
I got over it and found a great reality for the center of my life. But, I continued creating fantasies out of women who were not love objects in the real world.
Without a rich fantasy life, I don't think anyone could be truly happy. Well, at least I couldn't.
People get in trouble so often by trying to bring the fantasies into reality. It never works. In the real world, after the whore is paid, and she does whatever it is she does, she leaves. Sometimes she tries to leave without providing the services for which you paid. In the real world, the perfect wife has bad days and doesn't want to screw while she is making the stew. And, in the real world, it is likely that the girl with the razzle-dazzle eyes is on a high dose of LSD, Ecstasy or has an IQ to the left of a rutabaga.
So separate fantasy and reality and revel in both - each for a different experience.
Reality and fantasy have one thing in common. If either heads south, you can change it. They have one major difference though ... it hurts like hell when you have to change reality.