--NOW CLOSED-- (Comments still open, though.)
Everyone here's familiar with the Bulwer-Lytton contest, right?
Let's do the same thing, only with free verse.
(Insert SFX: Hand bell ringing vigorously)
Hear ye, hear ye! The First and Probably Last Annual Bad Free Verse Poetry Contest shall now commence! Send us your bad, your weak, your ridiculous and ill-conceived verse. Send us parodies. Send whatever you like, the only qualification is it must be wretched yet still amuse our readers
(SFX: Fade out bell)
I'll start:
Cool. Cold. White.
My buttocks cradled in icy hands
The chill fills my soul
Yet internal pressures build
She left the bathroom window
Open again last night
* * *
You get the idea, yes?
Posted: Nov 7, 07 7:08pm
What's the prize?
Posted: Nov 7, 07 7:20pm
Second that, lowly knave.
So pray, Ken of the House of Writez, what bounty or booty is in it for her Royal Flatulence?
Posted: Nov 7, 07 8:06pm
Yea, oh knight of darkest
day,
how may
I win
fair lady's hand,
knowing not
the prize
for play?
(Even a used BBQ coupon [to help with the poot!] from Freddie's would work)
Posted: Nov 8, 07 10:55am
* includes photos
"Prize"? You demand trifles and trinkets in such a grave atmosphere as this thread? Pah! Philistines, the lot of you!
If it's the only way to motivate you away from your endless viewing of "Wheel of Fortune," or toilet tank reading of "Soldier of Fortune," so be it.
The winner of this contest gets to re-enact their favorite literary love scene with either an inflatable love doll or their own significant other in front of the other contestants.
Hmmm... what's that sound? Could it be akabukowski heaving in the bathroom sink? Very well, we'll select a different prize.
Winner gets a valuable manufacturer's $1.00 off coupons for any flavored Pepsi-Cola 12-pack product: Sierra Mist®, Sierra Mist Free®, Sierra Mist Lemon Squeeze®, Mug Root Beer®, Mug Cream Soda®, and Tropicana Twister Soda®. Coupons expire 3-31-08.
Posted: Nov 8, 07 2:22pm
make it a dollar off a good vintage wine and you mite have some takers,he!he!
Posted: Nov 8, 07 3:30pm
Hmmm...
If I remember correctly, the last time we had a writing contest here... the prize was...oh damn!...I can't remember...what was it?
Help me out here, somebody please!
Yanna? Tielle? Do you remember what is was? Anybody?
Posted: Nov 8, 07 6:20pm
BMichael.
I know what the prize was. It was a $5.00 gift card that may have been used. I never got mine which would have been $2.50 gift card or if used, 1/2 of a used gift card.
BTW why didn't I ever receive my prize anyway, huh,huh,huh???!
Posted: Nov 9, 07 2:36am
Madame Yanna,
Mon coeur est lourd...Je suis desole...
Your prize still awaits - only direction on how you wish to receive it remains. And there is to be no splitting - you earned the full amount, as did Tielle.
Queest-ce que davantage je peux faire?
Posted: Nov 8, 07 6:21pm
I'm gonna win this one. I want the coupon. Westerly, where are you?
Posted: Nov 9, 07 5:50pm
Yikes! Well I'm as good at writing bad poetry as the next one. I just haven't had my first gin & tonic of the weekend yet. I'll have to scratch my increasingly spiralling head and push my favorite lucky pencil to and fro, and I'll get back to you. You want to see BAD?
Posted: Nov 9, 07 8:00am
BMichael:
Merci de ne pas se sentir triste. C'était ma faute que je n'ai pas réclamer son prix. Comment, cependant, je n'ai finir avec $ 5,00 plutôt qu'à moitié? I can only hope this says what I intended to say.
Why don't we use the unclaimed prize for a new contest? Sound good?
lol
Posted: Nov 9, 07 9:44am
Hmmm, see if I can translate from my barely-remembered 8th grade French:
"Thank you there's no center of sadness. It's my fault I never picked up my son "Prix." Comment, codependent, [why do] I never have $5.00 to pick up pluots?"
Howzzat?
Posted: Nov 9, 07 3:30pm
...mais naturellment, mon cher...
(but of course, my dear...)
Posted: Nov 9, 07 10:50am
Thank you Ken. I am so misunderstood (sniff)
BTW...where are the entries for this contest? Are we all waiting for each other duyathink?
Posted: Nov 9, 07 2:13pm
It was a day
like any other
the black dog sniffed
the crotch itched
the flag drooped
and I found
cream in my coffee
when I always
drink it black
and I mixed
drinks
last night and
this morning
... so who
got nailed
and why is
Comanche angry
at me this
afternoon/morning?
Posted: Nov 9, 07 8:14pm
Ooooooh, quite bad, yes, yes! [Golf clap]
Posted: Nov 9, 07 8:27pm
Why I Love My Job
Drivin’ on the highway,
Drivin’ on the highway,
Drivin’ on the highway.
“Oh, look! A sign.”
South 81
Take a photo through the dirty windshield. Make sure you time it just right so the wipers don’t get in the way.
Another mile, another sign, another photo.
And another, and another.
At least I get paid $.48 a mile.
Posted: Nov 9, 07 8:34pm
CarolT - yours is really bad too. I am thinking, or, is that really a possibility for me?
Posted: Nov 9, 07 8:43pm
Yes, quite bad as well. [sniff] Perhaps a bit too informative, but the mindless repetition does elevate. Worthy competitor!
Posted: Nov 9, 07 9:09pm
I want
your comptroller'\,
to spend a moment
on MY expense sheet
and 'cause I'm a Man
warch it
climb...
(warch is a NW NY term for watch)
and thou,
dear lady
(errrpp - whooo-baby
was that you?)
I think your
expense account
(farted)
Posted: Nov 10, 07 7:47am
CarolT... it only works on the i, and b...
and that is a treatise
I'll leave to thee...
Call me Longfellow...
(damn, I'm good!)
Posted: Nov 10, 07 10:23am
LanSr,
Yeah, I discovered the u thing doesn't work, but the odd thing is, I fixed it yesterday. I have no idea why it reverted to the old one.
Posted: Nov 10, 07 10:34am
CarolT... you keep thinking you are not a good writer... OK, you're in the right forum... Damn, Girl, you're good at bein' bad... say,
what are you doin'
in Texas lately?
Wanna buy
me a drink?
Posted: Nov 10, 07 12:06pm
LanSr,
I never said I wasn't a good writer. I said (and continue to say) I'm not a writer.
A writer, in my definition, is someone who writes because s/he must write. I can write if I want to -- I just don't want to very often.
Posted: Nov 9, 07 8:28pm
LanSr Sir:
That is going to be hard to beat. Really, really funny and very bad.
Posted: Nov 9, 07 9:04pm
Thou art woman
and I am man'and
ther's
somethin' supposed
to happen
but the cat's
angry
and the coffee
has cream
and I like it Black!
And I still
mixed the drinks
is there
a message?
Yo, Baby, 'bout that rattler recipe....
Posted: Nov 9, 07 9:14pm
p.s. are you cute
or was that
a
memento of a dream
lost,
spent?
Posted: Nov 9, 07 11:01pm
Are we allowed to enter as many times as we desire? I see Sir LanSr has submitted 5. I see no rules posted so I assume we can just enter and enter and...
Posted: Nov 9, 07 11:10pm
The only rules are that the poetry must be a) free verse, and b) bad. Ideally, it won't be garden-variety bad, the kind of bad you see in sensitive high school girls' yearbooks, but abysmally bad, REALLY bad, we're tawkin' Vogon poetry level of bad. LanSr is finding his stride, so the rest of you better pony up!
Posted: Nov 9, 07 11:52pm
Hey, if TBD doesn't give me TBI... I'm gonna be sick... or something... (TBI=This Be Icky)... this guy, like Shiningpath says,,, (oh what did he say... who cares? right, like, ....)
Posted: Nov 10, 07 12:09pm
Sir LanSr:
I did not tell....you did.
Posted: Nov 9, 07 11:31pm
I'm so bad my
Momma '''slapped
the ob-whatever
and hung porkchops
on my throat so
dogs would
lic k
me, or bite me;
whatever...
and then I
woke up and luv'd MLK,
and started
suing ever
sum,bitch
that hated me!
Posted: Nov 9, 07 11:56pm
Hey, now if you didn't notiv=ce the extra space where it counted... um, if you did, what am I dsoing here? Hey.... whatcha think of the new squash?).... I'm dyin here...
Posted: Nov 9, 07 11:38pm
Then one dAY
I said take off the
CAPS-LOCK, and
DANG! they did
and I thought power
is more than
220Volts,
and the bitsch
sent me on 120\
anb damn! I'm
dead and she is rich
and you beter be sorry
'cause she's a
---hey-did you know that 220=110 in 1/2....
Posted: Nov 10, 07 6:57am
O Muse
O muse,
thou haggard wretch
sleeping under a bridge
while my cries go unheard
Muse,
thou art now a buxom wench
ignoring thy mistress' summons,
to cavort with the street boys
Or yet, a day,
a nacreant sprite,
darting from branch to branch
beyond my reach
I feel abandoned. Thou shouldst
have been there for me,
but thou ear was capped
with a pulsing blue plug
talking to thy fancy man,
whilest I was trying to connect with thee
Thou scabrous serpent,
whispering viper
Hissing using 'O muse'
will win me easy cheesy points
Thou faithless whore,
lifing thy skirts to the money changers
ignoring earnest entreaties
to shine in the light.
You'd rather loll back
with your elbows on the bar,
lift your mouth
and HOWL!
Posted: Nov 10, 07 7:09am
Ken Writez,
This one definitely needs to be disqualified under the rules of the contest...
Its good!
Posted: Nov 10, 07 7:42am
Hey, where did good poetry slip in here? Who is this Westerly person to do this?
(Yo gal... this is for BAD poetry - your entry isn't wanted -and who in TBD did you bribe to get such beautiful couplets?)
p.s. The gin and tonic - or rum and coke, or Sunrise on Hawaii wrked, huh?
Posted: Nov 10, 07 10:03am
Wow! Nada! This is too good....I have to agree. To win the coupon, you have to be BAD. Westerly. You KNOW this.
Posted: Nov 10, 07 8:12am
* includes photos
My buttocks clenched
then released
to power untold
(and I ain't tellin')
Was it olive oil
or just Crisco
or soap in the locker room
when I bent unknowin'
(I ain't tellin')
OOOOhhh, Baby, where
is Yanna in this
or not
and is it
fantasy
or not
And if this
ain't bad
tell me what
is good
to be bad
Am I bad at good or what ?(Hint, Hint)...
Posted: Nov 10, 07 8:31am
All right, how about this? Ahem, *clears throat.*
'Enlightenment'
Diplomas in hand
we reach for the stars.
March on, march on
O brothers and sisters,
holders all, of the keys to knowledge.
Through all life's storms and darkening clouds
Onward, onward toward the light,
Never to look back!
*reeks, don't it?*
Posted: Nov 10, 07 9:02am
Profoundly horrible...
Good Job!
Posted: Nov 10, 07 9:08am
No,,,, noo,,, (ooops I'm using commas)... uh, Babe, we want BAD stuff here... and there you are gooder than bad, and I feel bad now... I think I'll go and eat wroms... or snake tails (ick)
Posted: Nov 10, 07 11:58am
She, Westerly,writes in singular space
How she does this I do not know
Her writing not spread in long lengths
but singular spacing
How? Pray tell. How?
Posted: Nov 10, 07 9:08am
'Top O' The Morning'
The mirror isn't cracked
It just looks that way.
It's your well-used face that's cracked.
Your eyes are mapped
with red tributaries.
The dog yelps under heel,
You're none too steady.
Rum farts,
expanding swiftly
filling the room
with gas -
Reeks, don't it?
Posted: Nov 10, 07 9:12am
Oooh... when did you
sneak into
my motel room
and tell
my secrets?
Dogs rule...
you Bitch!
Posted: Nov 10, 07 11:54am
My mirror is indeed cracked
My eyes, boiled from peroxide intended for roots
The cat screams as I step on her tail
I fall down
Litter box now changed
Air refreshed
(Thank you Westerly for the inspiration).
Posted: Nov 10, 07 1:04pm
Yanna - use these key strokes where you want a line break: first type this thing: < then type br/ and then and type > and just keep on typing til the end of the line. Don't hit "enter", unless you're making a whole new stanza you want separated by double space.
you have to type all those strokes one after the other and not spaced out as I have done to show you.
Posted: Nov 10, 07 9:14am
Comanche typed that - I'm putting that cat on something... Westerly, it was the cat, I'd never think you were mean to me... or me to you... never (you sneaky little...)
cutie, I was thinking of cutie...
relly, oshiffer, I like her, What IS her name, c'mon you know mine....
Posted: Nov 10, 07 10:11am
Wai