Posted: Dec 21, 07 7:39am

Here's my Crabby Christmas piece - thought I'd post it to this gang here. I'm feeling even crabbier now, because none of the newspapers I sent it too even honored it with a rejection letter. Probably didn't understand that it was supposed to be parody.

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Dear Cherished Friend Or Family Member;

Thank you for clicking over to my holiday gift register. I know I'm one of those people who are 'hard to buy for', and I hate to think of the stress that might cause you. This website seems like the least I could do for you.

First of all, please don't get me anything this year. I mean it! Really! Just having you in my life is gift enough. I know you want to give me something - you are so generous, and that's one of the things I love about you of course - but really! I don't need anything. Let's just enjoy each other's company at the holidays. Really!

Now I hope that's the end of it, but if you are still reading it is probably because the stress of not giving a gift would be harder for you - generous soul that you are - than the stress of worrying about making sure it is the right gift - sensitive and thoughtful soul that you are. I completely respect that. I really do. I know you, and it doesn't surprise me. I want to honor and respect that unique and special part of you.

So if you really must - but please, don't feel you have to get me anything - I will do what I can to reduce the stress and help you out, even if only a little bit. What are friends or family for?

Let me start with an overview of the site. I offer three convenient ways to shop for me. The first you have probably already figured out - you simply click on one of the animated icons that ring this home page - the ones with the little Instant Gift! flashing label. If you wanted to get me the new iPhone, for example, you would just click on the little dancing iPhone icon and you'd be redirected to a page where you can enter your credit card information. It's that simple! No need for address information - my address is already coded in. You'll have options for gift-wrapping, enclosing a gift card (from a wide selection), or expedited shipping, all for very modest additional charges. You can also opt to have it sent to you, so that you can deliver it to me personally. What a nice touch!

Next, at the upper right, by my photo, you'll see two tabs. Click either of these to navigate to the other modes of gift-giving. The first, 'Guided Gifting', provides an interactive way for you to narrow down all the myriad possible gift ideas to just the one gift that really says YOU! You know, the kind of gift where - even if I didn't read the tag - I'd know in an instant it was from you? You simply choose from either the Event, Activity, or Interest drop-down menu to get started. That is, you select some specific event we did together (that golf getaway, honeymoon, etc.), some activity we both enjoy, or some interest we share. From there, you will be guided through a short series of additional drop-downs and in the end, the perfect gift will reveal itself as if by magic. I think you'll like this - you're the kind of person who really loves giving a very unique, personal gift.

The last mode of giving is accessed via the 'DeAr sANta' tab. Being sort of sentimental and traditional at heart - come on, admit it! - you'll feel right at home with this one. The muted Currier & Ives wallpaper and the Perry Como recording of White Christmas create just the right mood. Down the middle, in a cute font selected to look child-like, is my old-fashioned wish list! Scroll down, there's more. Keep scrolling… Hover over any item and a pop-up will give you more specifics. For example, hover over "Something Yummy to Drink!", fifth from the top, and you'll see that I've been quite specific about not only the varietal and the vineyard, but the vintage as well. You could jot this down and run out and get a case, but unless you live near one of the three or four specialty wine shops in the U.S. that carry this, you're better off just clicking on it, and it will take you to the helpful order screen.

That's it! That's all there is to it. Now promise me you won't get me anything out of some silly feeling of obligation? Because really, I wouldn't want that. To me, this is a time to gather with those who are dearest to us, a time to reflect on what is truly important in our lives - you know what I mean? I know you do. It is a time to set aside material concerns and find within ourselves feelings of spirituality and devotion, a time to feel wonder and awe at the miracle of the birth of our Lord. If there is to be any gift-giving at all, it should be in the spirit of the first gifts - the gifts of the Magi. Gifting should be done in humility and reverence. May we think of the Wise Men, the importance they placed on the act of giving, and how they gave gifts of real value - requiring genuine sacrifice of themselves. And may we be guided by their example. I should note, though, that I've still got frankincense left over from last year and I'm allergic to myrrh, in case that helps.

Really, though, you don't need to get me anything. You know that.

God bless,

Your Loving Friend Or Family Member