I have learned so much through the experience of losing my daughter. One thing I discovered is how hard it is for people to talk to you--even people you have known for years suddenly get tongue tied or simply disappear from your life because they are uncomfortable with the topic of death and they now feel vulnerable. If it happened to your family, it could happen to theirs.

People try hard to be comforting but sometimes their words hurt more than help.

What are some things people have said to you that were comforting?

And what are some things that were not so helpful?

For me, I felt that if I heard just one more person say, "She is in a better place" or "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" I would scream. I know people meant well but those were two things that did not help at all. There is no better place for a child than with their family. And, if you think God doesn't give us more than we can handle, try losing a child on for size--it comes pretty close.

What has helped you?

"I am so very sorry for your loss" could hardly offend anyone in any circumstance.

You are so right! Easy to say as well. And sometimes, the simpler, the better. Sometimes the most comforting thing is just a hand on the shoulder--words are not really necessary.

Thanks, Isadora.

This just happened this morning. I have not been to the gym for a few weeks due to an illness. There is a woman I know from when our kids were in preschool but more of an acquaintance. While resting @ home I saw a memorial in the obits for her husband. I cried because I had no idea he passed away. He was just a few years older than me.

When I saw her this morning I motioned her over (I was on a spin bike). I simply said, "I am so sorry and had no idea your husband passed away. How are you doing?" and gave her a hug. She replied thank you and told me he killed himself and the circumstances. Her strength was amazing.

I also mentioned if she ever wanted to get together to just let me know. I am always doing stuff with friends & she was more than welcome to join us.

Those same lines were said to me when my brother passed away but I was too numb to remember who said what. The only thing I do remember was who wasn't there for me. Unfortunately one of them was husband. We are no longer married.

Thank you, Spuff--I am sure your gym friend was very touched that you cared enough to talk to her. Suicide is something that causes people to really keep their distance because it is such a difficult subject to discuss. It would mean a lot to her if you were to call her sometime and offer to pick her up to join you and your friends. A phone call may be the "nudge" she needs to start learning to live again.

I remember so many people saying, "Call me if there is anything I can do for you." At the time it was all I could do to get out of bed and get dressed sometime during the day. It was the friends who just showed up and looked for things to do that I learned the most from. One friend asked when the last time my husband and son's suits had been cleaned then she took them all to be cleaned in time for Tracy's funeral. As if that alone wasn't enough, when she brought their suits back, she took their white shirts home, laundered and ironed them and brought them back. THAT was a service of love. Friends brought food. Friends came and cleaned house when we were gone making funeral arrangements because they knew we'd be having a lot of company. Friends offered rooms in their homes for our out-of-town family to stay in. I learned that asking people to call if they need something isn't enough when a person is numb with loss. Stepping in and taking care of something you can see needs done is greatly appreciated.

Reaching out to your friend like you did means so much.

Great suggestions Kle. And you are right, when you are going through such a devastating loss, you are so numb and overwhelmed. There have been times over the years where a group of people here will help out a family by bringing dinner for a chunk of time while going through a health crisis. It's inspiring to see how people come through to help others. With death, people are just so uncomfortable.

As for this woman from the gym, it's already in my game plan. After spring break, I am inviting her out to meet another woman who is a widow. We are all in the same town. I feel they can connect. Both have such amazing strength and are really good people. Since they have the same professional background, I think it's a great friend match.

Yes, as we are numb inside when something like this happens it is very important to just be supportive and offer to be there.

Whatever is said may not matter nearly as much as what is not said.

When I lost my son, I can only remember the lack of support and coldness of others as being around me made them uncomfortable.

I was pretty much shunned until these people had decided I had gotten over it enough to speak to again

That stings more than anyone simply not knowing what to say ever could.

The important thing is the well meaning intention to be supportive. the words will not matter nearly as much as the feeling behind them