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Created:: September 2, 2008
: 257 Members

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Rite of Passage

Posted: Sep 16, 08 9:10am

I'm curious to see what this prompts from the rest of the crew here.

My daughter turns 18 tomorrow. This morning when I picked her up to take her to BART (the train to high school), she said, "If there's anything you want to make me do, do it today - it's your last chance" and, "Oh by the way, I'm stopping off at the tattoo parlor on the way home from school tomorrow." She was joking on both counts. I think.

It hadn't sunk in that this is what 18 means in this culture and legal system: She's an adult and we are no longer legally responsible for her. We no longer make the decisions on her behalf. The only thing I'd really focused on was that she's going to be able to vote - just in the nick of time.

I don't actually think anything will change suddenly, but still…this is heavy stuff. I need to take a long walk and think about this. We don't have rites of passage in our culture, all we have are these legal landmarks. I need to go outside and take that long walk, and try to let this legal landmark prompt me to go inside and have my own internal rite of passage.

Tags:

parenting, teenagers, rite of passage

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109 Comments // 25 Members

MarkTrost

Posted: Sep 16, 08 9:23am

First - I'm thrilled you started a discussion. This is a phenomenal group. Look at the contributions. I'm thrilled and I hope everyone feels comfortable and encouraged to participate and to initiate.

When my eldest boy got his driver's license I told him how proud I was of him. He was an exceptional young man and I felt complete confidence in his ability to weigh and judge. I waved goodbye to him and watched him twirl his keys on his thumb as he hopped down the sidewalk and jumped into the car. I closed the door and sort of collapsed against it and I tried to catch my breath and chase my tears before they bathed my chin. And I stood erect and I whispered "Goodbye Andrew" and I turned around and walked out of the room. Because it was his turn. And I knew I had to let him go.

Tomorrow will be a very difficult day for you Papa. And rightly so. It's your rite of passage. You've passed to her all your love. You've passed to her all your wisdom. And you've passed to her the confidence to make sagacious decisions. And you were right.

And this passage is right. And she hasn't left. She won't pass her past. She'll pass this way again for the rest of your life. She loves you.

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Brian

Posted: Sep 16, 08 9:24am

Wow Mark. Thank you so much.

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Brian

Posted: Sep 16, 08 9:26am

And I still clearly remember dropping her off for her first day of Kindergarten. I waved good-by with a brave smile on my face, drove half a block, pulled over and cried.

And there was every emotion in those tears, all the good ones and all the hard ones.

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MarkTrost

Posted: Sep 16, 08 9:30am

Brian wrote:

And I still clearly remember dropping her off for her first day of Kindergarten. I waved good-by with a brave smile on my face, drove half a block, pulled over and cried.

And there was every emotion in those tears, all the good ones and all the hard ones.

You shared with me about mechanics. So -

http://www.markrtrost.com/2008/05/exquisite-slips-and-slides-of-life.html

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LoraMa

Posted: Sep 16, 08 9:34am

I'm particularly weepy today... and the two of you dads discussing your kids growing up... well, you're killing me. Thank you for making a mom like me pause to appreciate my little ones being little.

Brian, happy birthday to your daughter. I think it would be a lovely gesture to mark her adulthood with a nice dinner out... or maybe a simple piece of jewelry. My mom gave me a very very simple gold ring when I turned sixteen. It was a ring her sister gave her on a whim. The ring is probably worth $10, and yet I still wear it to this day...

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AggieK

Posted: Sep 16, 08 9:34am

MarkTrost wrote:

Tomorrow will be a very difficult day for you Papa. And rightly so. It's your rite of passage. You've passed to her all your love. You've passed to her all your wisdom. And you've passed to her the confidence to make sagacious decisions. And you were right.

And this passage is right. And she hasn't left. She won't pass her past. She'll pass this way again for the rest of your life. She loves you.

Brian,

Marks comments above ...absolutely right.

She's your baby, she always will be whether she's 18...22 or 35. You'll look in her eyes and see that little girl sitting on your lap or heading that soccer ball.

It's a milestone for her, with it comes the title of "adulthood", again only the title. Her experiences (past and future) will afford her the real title. Life is one long lesson and we're all still learning...

Her joy and happiness flows over to you and you will experience each of those joys with a touch of sadness because you can't go back and do it all again.

FYI- mine are 19 and 22 and they're still my "babies".

~hug~ good luck tomorrow...!!! (hmm now you have a new title as well, dad of "legal adult" )

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Brian

Posted: Sep 16, 08 9:47am

LoraMa wrote:

...Brian, happy birthday to your daughter. I think it would be a lovely gesture to mark her adulthood with a nice dinner out... or maybe a simple piece of jewelry. My mom gave me a very very simple gold ring when I turned sixteen. It was a ring her sister gave her on a whim. The ring is probably worth $10, and yet I still wear it to this day...

Thank you Lora. Thanks for reminding me of what's really true and important about gifts.

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