Okay...my long and probably rambling post. And please remember that I was feeling much more blue on Friday and today (Tuesday) is a much better day.

I am tired of being tired. I work 7p-7a because that shift is and has been mine for the past 15 years. But I am so tired of losing sleep and struggling to be awake and alert when my body screams for my pillow and I still have hours to go before my shift ends! I have been praying for a new career, a new path where I can serve Him and the church and still sleep at night like most human beings! I also acknowledge that I am exactly where He wants me and I will willingly stay there as long as He needs me to. I know He does things in His time...but I am still a human and still tired.

Hubbie and I had also had some minor spats over the past couple of days (last week) and I was discouraged. It has since gotten better but my life will always be somewhat of a rollercoaster and I am okay with that. God is number one in my life, and everything else will work out the way He intends it!

Lastly, there was a shooting. A gang-related shooting. Unfortunately, the intended target was not the 22 month old baby that was 'accidentally' shot in the abdomen. But he was shot, nonetheless, and rushed into our emergency room. We performed flawlessly (Thank You, God!) and the baby is still alive but his liver is shattered and one kidney was completely destroyed. If he survives, his life will never be what it could have been. And of course, there were immediate retaliations with three more shootings and two stabbings. Only one of those died but all were critical and needed immediate surgery. It is disheartening to say the least that these young men and women are so easily being led by the demon. It is sad to see my once nice little Central Valley California town be transformed into such a dangerous place to live. I have yet to read Revelations and know that this horror has probably been addressed...I am working my way through the New Testament and have only just started John, so any words of wisdom or passages you can steer me to would be welcome.

But the very worst part of the whole 'traumatic' experience of this horrific shift is my apathy. Oh, I still care for my patients and it was heart-breaking to see the poor parents crying for their baby; but my normal emotional level was remarkably flat and I felt much like a robot doing her job. Perhaps God was just protecting me from too much. It does make me think that it will soon be time for me to make my exit from the ER, but as I said above...all in His good time.

kelli--do you know about 'compassion fatigue' and 'vicarious trauma'? about self-care for caregivers?

K, regarding your last paragraph, I believe God was protecting you. He is God of all, even our emotions, if we do surrender all to Him. It is more than doing by rote; it is God divinely enabling the task at hand.

You could be suffering job burnout or God could indeed be preparing you for another field according to His will. To want normalcy and to sleep so you can go forth rested and refreshed and doing Kingdom work is God's will for you. I am adding this as a priority needs prayer for your direction and relief.

You were overwhelmed. I get that way also and I don't even work or raise a family! What I am blessed with, and you and Rose don't have the same luxury handy, is to do a crash. I might sleep in a day (occasionally) for a total of 12-14 hours or even more. Everything is shut away except for the Holy Spirit hovering over me and renewing me so I can go on with my daily grind.

Jesus became totally exhausted at times also. Read again the account of the Samaritan woman at the well. (Joh 4:6 Now Jacob's well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied with his journey, sat thus on the well: and it was about the sixth hour.) Also how He he spent sleepless nights alone, in prayer with the Father, or in the Garden, wrestling in prayer while His disciples slept.

We are confined, as Jesus was, to a human body with limitations. To feel that something was/is wrong with you Friday or any other time is unwarranted. Those on the front lines, need someone as Moses did, holding up his literal arms so that a victory could be wrought.

The Lord is with you. You are a vessel and not a vassal. Please know that God is well pleased with you whether you are emotionally up or done, His love never waivers.

ed. those are powerful, inspiring words. thank you.

Thank you so much for your kind words. They are as a salve upon this tired soul.

Rose..I had not heard of the terms 'compassion fatigue' and 'vicarious trauma' so I looked them up. Thank you for the information. Blessedly, I do not dwell on my patients or take their traumas home with me. I do my best to rest well and eat properly but the sites were full of good information that I have filed into my brain. It is good to know what to look for.

ed..Much thanks for the prayers. I am touched by your caring and your concern. You indeed, are our most lovely pastor and I value your friendship so much! I agree that God was blanketing me from too many emotions and was keeping me from too much distress. Believe me, He and I had quite the conversation about this on my way home with many thanks included in my prayers.

I just need to tell you how much I feel the love from this upper room. I just wanted to tell you ALL how much I love you and need you and how much you strengthen me through your prayers.

God Bless! Your sis, Kelli

Rose and Kelli, you are both faithful handmaiden's of the Lord. I am glad to know you both. We share a common faith and an extraordinary Savior who not only meets, but anticpates and exceeds our every need in Him.

Ladies, I salute you for the daily grind of the workplace.

kelli, i am happy i could help. i have a bit of 'been there done that' to offer, and am always happy to share.

i used to work as a crisis counselor--domestic violence and sexual assault. i have responded to ER calls in the middle of the night many times. i have great respect for ER staff.

i have also seen how easy it is for some caregivers to give their all for others and leave little for themselves.

i am happy to know you are also taking care of You.

blessings of love and respect you you kelli and you ed. xxoo