Posted: Apr 23, 08 2:17pm
Yes, the news is mostly fake sprinkled with some truth. If you believe our news is real, get off the drugs, or get better ones!
J.K. Rowling Sues over Harry Potter Lexicon!
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Billionaire writer of fantasies about wizards that most people see after a heroin injection J.K. Rowling sues over the Harry Potter Lexicon book. She said, in court, it was "like my soul was stolen by Lord Voldemort! I can't write another book. I'm more depressed than Paula Abdul. Oh, Harry was stolen from me!" Yes, she cried. She demanded only to be in court when the author of the lexicon was waiting in the bathroom. After her testimony, she was ushered to a jury room to avoid Harry Potter fans. What, she can't sign a few books for idiots that bought her crap? Indignant British Chick at her finest.
Ms. Rowling praised the Harry Potter Lexicon website and said she snuck into cafes to read it to help write her books when she forgot some detail. Wait! Didn't she steal his work? Anyway, the former welfare mom bemoaned her loss of poor Harry like a Priest no longer able to hold an altar boy. So, he organized your crap because you couldn't! You admit using his website to organize your thoughts and praised it several times. The truth is Ms. Rowling is writing a Harry Potter Lexicon, is the Gay stuff in it?, and wants the money. Yes, it is about the money.
Ms. Rowling, you're no longer a welfare mom and now a billionaire. What's the big deal? I'm sure you stole Harry Potter from some other fable. Give her a dollar and send her across the pond since Harry's the devil in disguise trying to corrupt our kids' young minds like those gay Teletubies!
The Pope Comes to America!!!
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News organizations covered the Pope's arrival including his plane, shaking hands with Bush, how many times he used the bathroom, his speech at the White House, and all the masses he did LIVE! The news was so obsessed with the Pope that officials filed a restraining order against them because the Vatican said, "They're stalking the Pope." CBS, who watches?, had Katic Couric mumble the news from a fake Popemobile one night; now Hillary Clinton wants one to avoid sniper fire. The news marveled at the Popemobile asking, "It runs on batteries. Gee, that's amazing!" All in all, it was great the Pope visited America for six long days.
Hillary Clinton Clothing Line Announced
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Hillary's famous pantsuits will be sold at Macy's but they're not just any pantsuit. They are made from kevlar so anyone can avoid sniper fire.
ABC News Blows Democratic Debate LIVE!
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Gee, that debate had more commercials than the Superbowl. The audience booed Charlie Gibson for making the debate like NBC's Deal or No Deal. Charlie and George S., who can spell his last name?, asked Obama tough questions like, "Can you dunk a basketball? Are you a bigot? Have anything to say to the little people clinging to their guns or religion?" Hillary got easy questions. It was more depressing than a rout canal. Of course, ABC only had 100,000 people watching (mostly ABC employees at home--they are laid off so nothing better to do).
Katie Couric: YOU'RE FIRED!
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News is that Katie Couric will get canned after the election. The head of CBS, Moonves, doesn't want any responsibility for the poor performance of Couric's news show being worse than before. All for $15 million a year too! After hearing she's paid $15 million a year, NBC's Brian Williams, who leads everyone in ratings, asked for $25 million a year, 4-hour work days, and a mistress for the long days during the election.
Oprah Joins Scientology!
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Oprah, the person who ruined life like Dr. Phil, with her stinking thinking has joined Scientology! No, not really but she is New Age. She's into earth day, moon day, sun day, cheeseburger day, whatever the New Age Gurus tell her. She actually gave away all those cars because her astrologist told her, "Now is the time to give something big." Oprah's stinkin' thinkin', that's how Dr. Phil really says it, comes from lots of loons that read the book "A Course in Miracles." Now, they write their own and Oprah is the salesperson. Of course, Oprah sold the idea you could stop being a drunk if you wanted to without rehab and AA.
Are Our Children Stupid?
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YES!!! Bush proved this by asking once, "Is our children learning?" Why do parents of their pain in the ass tots put stickers on the back of their cars saying, "My kid is an honor student at .... school." What about stupid kids? What about kids that are ho's? "My kid is a Ho at ... school." "My kid is the stupidiest duma@@ at ... Alabama Junior High School."
Ritalin Makes Your Kids Stupid Geeks!
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Yes, it does. Your kid beats up other kids and his reward isn't, "You beat up that punk. Great!", but, a daily does of Ritalin. Ritalin is just a drug-induced prison that destroys creativity, reduces intelligence, reduces questioning of authority, reduces your kid's chance of succeeding. Ritalin makes you kids more like George Bush. Ritalin and similar drugs destroy your kids. Just because Ritalin makes your kids more manageable for you doesn't mean it is a good thing. What happened to the little brat that threw stuff in the aisle of the grocery store because you said he or she couldn't have that box of cereal? And, if they take Ritalin long enough, they turn into Geeks that live in your garage building computers so they can create an imaginary girlfriend. Instead of Ritalining up your kids, hey that's a patent pending slogan, just place them in front of the Television watching Barney. Maybe your little brat will all do us a favor and kill that Purple Child Molester, er, Dinosaur.
Banks Hunting for More Cash
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Really? That is a story in the NY Times today. Here's a thought for those banks: look in the vault. There's lots of money there. Or, raise interest rates on all those credit cards to 25 percent. Yes, that will cause bankruptcies to skyrocket. But, hey, if you're a bank and can't find cash, you shouldn't be in business anyway!
Where on Earth is Ann Coulter?
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Has she disappeared? Is she writing a new book? Did she finally spring for the full SRS surgery? Leave her skinny a@@ wherever she is. And, college guys that like her, stop tossiing off to the cover of her books. I know you like MILFs but she doesn't have any kids that we know of except her adoption of the monkey--George W. Bush.
Racheal Ray Has a Cooking Magazine!
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Yes, I read it for the recipes not to lust after the woman on the Food Channel that fakes more orgasms over pasta than married women do with their husbands. And, to the obnoxious chef that hates her, she's richer than you, everyone knows who she is, and your food sucks unlike hers!
FoxNews Isn't News, It's Republican Propaganda
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Bill O'Reilly isn't undecided; he's a Republican that likes phone sex with himself. Hannity only has Colmes on just to make it seem Fair & Balanced. But, unlike Holmes, Hannity must be gay. Really. When Mitt Romney's on his show, Hannity looks like he's in love, in awe of a guy that wears a suit that costs more than a college education.
FoxNews has flashy graphics so as not to make you think this is just Karl Rove's point of view. FoxNews is popular because it is news dumbed down so anyone, including them, can understand it.
Bill O'Reilly loves email from viewers that agree with him; otherwise, you're a communist or terrorist sympathizer. He hates verbosity because he has to look up all those words in the dictionary.
The women on FoxNews are okay. Most of them question the reasoning of the males on the network. Or, they go along with it like Eliot Sptizers' wife does so they get their money.
Paris Hilton has a New Sex Tape
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It's not true of course but maybe she's actually learning how to have good sex before putting another one out. We like Paris. Anyone who can turn a sex tape into a multi-million dollar cash machine and be blonde, like Jennifer is, is a genius. We're not picking on Paris. We love Paris. She's a heiress that lives on her own money actually. She hasn't inherited anything yet. She proves the American Dream is real and can be had by making a sex tape that has little sex in it with a really ugleee guy--Rick Soloman.
Cameron, Jennifer C. Miles, & Jordan Page
