Posted: May 4, 08 10:24pm
Dear Employees,
It is come to our attention, we are pretty sure, that a lot of employees aren't following our corporate rules. So, we will define them:
1. Sick Days are a Privilege not a Right. Unless you are hospitalized, we expect you to be there. If your kids are sick, a babysitter should be able to handle little Johnny's pneumonia. If it at all possible, please plan illnesses during off-days or vacations.
2. Stop with the tapping your foot under the stalls in the men's bathroom. It is discrimination to fool our gay employees into thinking there is a real offer for anonymous gay sex, which is prohibited since the Security Guard, 68 year old Gus, is homophobic.
3. No organs you had when you came to work for the company are to be removed with management permission. We expect every organ to be there the entire time your are employed. We hired you in your original condition and changing that original condition could compromise your work ethic.
4. There are no such thing as off-time for Funerals. Your relative is dead and there is nothing you can do about it. Plus, being at work will get your mind off of it.
5. Bathrooms are equipped with toilet paper but you should conserve this possible deforestation since, as a company, we are committed to the environment. And, please, stop flushing tampons down the toilet.
6. Bathroom breaks are to ONLY be taken during your two 15-minute breaks or your lunch hour. If you have incontinence, wear a diaper, and spray air freshner.
7. If you are male or female, you cannot leave work if your wife or partner is having a baby. A camcorder will record all those precious moments that end up costing us a fortune in your health care HMO.
8. Please do not put a space heater under your desk. The heat can ruin our computers, and electricity costs money. Just wear a sweater or something warm to work.
9. If the CEO is walking around the office instead of drunk in his office, don't approach him, talk to him, and/or laugh if he pisses his pants. Just dial Ext. 968 and his Executive Assistant will come get him.
10. If you haven't finished your assignment by quitting time, we expect you to stay and finish. If you leave before doing so, your manager might get confused and think you are an executive or something.
If there is anything else, please send an email to trash@company.com. We do care about you and want feedback. If you hate our guts, trust us, we already know.
Sincerely Yours,
Richard "Dick" Bernard
HR Vice-President
