Otter,

I understand exactly what you are saying. I'm ambivalent as well. I find my life very full, too full at times, but then there are other moments when a friend, a companion would be great. But that means working at something and giving of myself. Then of course there are the "what ifs". What if I miss the right person? What if I could be more fulfilled? I find it difficult to embrace the aloneness, but the missing out on opportunity to share myself and someone's life with mine. So I do nothing.

Yup! I'm ambivalent much of the time. I suppose that can sound sad but it's really not as long as one is content with being alone whether that be in a relationship or single. I'd rather be alone "with someone" than living in a state of "loneliness". That loneliness feeling does at times show up in the evenings for me and I dread it. I have felt loneliness in a relationship too - big red flag. I make a distinction between being "alone" and lonely. I know that I want more love in my life so I'm willing to have my radar up. I don't make much effort... I like to go to book reading, political events, charity events, etc... I enjoy myself and if I end up meeting someone to date, Brilliant. :)

PS - As you, I'm not into the internet dating thing either.

I would rather be back out there dating and taking the risk of hurt, than to be alone and no one special to share the joys of life with. If you truly aspire to be a better person, and honestly strive to become someone better than you were yesterday, wouldnt you relly want to share that with someone else? I know that I would.. give it time. maybe you aren't ready. maybe you aren't healed from the last roller coaster. but never say never. Me, I got a divorce from someone who didnt know what the word joy meant. she was miserable.. and I tried to love her despite that fact. I couldn't take anymore of being unhappy so I did the unthinkable. I asked for a divorce. and you know what. I realized. I am better off. but I do miss her soul. beyond what she thinks she has to be in this life. be slow to love. and intensely powerfully passionately FAST to learn. : )

I think most people would like to have that someone special to share their lives with and I certainly hope to have that one day again. But for now, I am not looking for a relationship and am trying to be content without someone. It's hard to get back out there when you have been hurt. Starting all over with a new person in your life takes a lot of effort - you have to find out what they've been doing and where they've been for the last 50 or more years!!

As I have been toying with this idea, I came across this article today from Oprah.com. It is another take on ambivalence, dangling in the wind...and has some inspiring thoughts about falling in love. There's a snippet of a poem by Mary Oliver in it:

Listen, are you breathing just a little,

and calling it a life?...

For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters,

caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/10/12/o.overs.leap/index.html

Very cool poem. I totally agree. I will never give up until I'm dead. I do believe that intense, focused, consistent, fulfilling relationships are completely possible with the gender that you choose, and I intend to get there. But it's taking way longer than I would have thought. However, I remain focused and attempt to enjoy some of the ambivalence/ambiguity in the process and try to learn from it as well. It's just that my brain doesn't function as well after 40...

I have not dated in years - stuff has forced me to narrow my life into a very small space. The only reason to date is to find love. Eros!

The story of Eros as told by Socrates describes the coming into existence of "desire" and "longing". The ambivalence we feel was also described as "coldness" or "staleness". Given the choice - and life is about choice - I'll take "desire". Even when I can't be near the one I would like to date, like to know and touch I still have the longing.

I have had lots of love - but not enough to have a single touch when I am lonely - not a single sparkle when I need a smile.

Don't get me wrong - I am not equating love with dating - dating is prospecting. As a long time salesman - I hated prospecting - going through the qualification of a prospect - offering them benefit statements and learning of the needs that had to be satisfied before the deal could be closed. Learning how in some cases the result did not live up to the hype suggested before the sale.

Personally I have had to learn what it meant to over sell and disappoint the taker.

So am I ambivalent about dating - yea - but am I going to stop my search to relieve my longing - never - only death will end this search.