Seeing a counselor in whom you have confidence is the very best way to answer your question. S/he will help you decide whether you have done everything possible you are willing or able to do to save the marriage, if and when you are willing to move on, and, if the latter, how to do it as kindly as possible.

No one but you can decide if/when it's over. I fought long and hard to reinterest my ex in the marriage, but he just wasn't interested any more. I read the book Uncoupling which helped me re-examine our relationship in a new way. I realized that a lot of my reluctance to split was due to fear, embarassment, and yes, some love. But he had truly moved on. Once I let go I progressed fairly rapidly to realizing I had been content but not happy. I still firmly believe that if he had worked on the marriage as hard as I did that we would still be together. If that work included major changes in both of us then we could have been happy together. But I'm now ready to be happy apart.

There's not one right answer, there's just what you are willing to work for and what you're willing to pay for it (time, respect, changes in yourself, effort).

you have to do what your heart tells you.

Boy, do I feel like I've been on both sides of this fence! I had thought about ending my marriage long before my ex's "accident" (as he put it), but I stayed because it was familiar, I was embarrassed to have a failed marriage (raised by older parents from a time when divorce was still just for bad people), I THOUGHT it was better for my son, I feared not having control of the situation, and I was afraid that I'd never find anyone else. We pretty much had cut each other off emotionally and had been living more like roommates for quite some time. I'm not sure where it started, but I could never talk to him - he didn't want to hear. Eventually I felt that he only cared about me when he wanted sex, so I shut that down, thinking "I'm nobody's blow-up doll".

Anyway, I don't presume to know your wife's mindset, but maybe she's pulled away from showing affection because she feels so far apart from you emotionally - are more like friends - or that she senses like you said that you may only still be with her out of fear rather than wanting her. But, after saying she wanted to end it maybe HER fears took over, and she went into "what have I done" mode.

Please don't read into any of this that I'm trying to place any blame on either side. Just giving my perspective. I wish my ex had been more like you - willing to talk things out good OR bad, with or without counsel.

So far as being afraid that she'll close herself off from other relationships, that would be hers to resolve...you can't control that any more than a person can control who they fall in love with or don't. What you can control is to try every avenue available to you for reconciling your relationship. You both owe it to yourselves as much as each other to be honest and to be able to say "we gave it our very best shot" no matter what choice you make. IMHO you can't try too hard, although you can try too long. Sorry if I rambled or got too sappy for some...best of luck and take care.

I don't think you're selfish. You've tried to make it work for 25 years. You've been in counseling. You have unmet needs, and you want them met. Sure, it would be a major trauma to divorce. So the question is: What would you rather endure--a semi-comfortable marriage that leaves you deeply unfulfilled? Or several years of pain as you divorce, with the possibility of finding someone who will meet those needs. Only you can answer this question.

Hi ewb1,

I was in a similar situation - was married for 18 years. I know how hard it is to divorce someone you have lived with for so long and you still love them. It has been a little over a year now and I still cry. You have to think about your happiness too because if you do not then who will? Look at all the divorced people how they get on with their lives and you do know what most of them would say? "I should have done this a long time ago."

Do you have kids? I know we tend to want to hold on especially when we have kids but let me tell you they are smart and they know what is going on. I have 2 kids one 17 and 11 and as they got older they saw how I was being treated and things said about me. I have an opened communication with them so when I told them that I was divorcing their dad it was not a shock to them.

You seem to be a nice guy compared to my ex. I know it is a hard decision as you are the only one that knows what you are going through. I wish you the best of luck.

How chivalrous of you to take the blame for a lost relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship succeed or fail. If she hasn't any interest in expressing affection to you, maybe you aren't an interesting lover. Why would you think so highly of yourself to think she would close herself off to others if you left her? You claim to be selfish. Selfish of what? You sound like you are miserable. You shouldn't have to try so hard. Love is unconditional, and it takes more than love to make a relationship. Sounds like you have some of the ingredients to make a cake together but are missing the ones that make the frosting....and that my dear, is the best part! Life should be sweet and shared. Being alone isn't a marriage, sure you can live under the same roof, that's the easy part. Having a genuine soul-connecting lifetime with someone takes two peoples desire. Is it there for both of you? I don't think so.