Posted: Feb 18, 08 3:52pm
Hi everyone... I joined back in January but have not been able to get on very much with work and the mess that was going on at home. There are times in your life that hurt so bad it's hard to breath. This is pretty much one of them for me. When you know things are not right at home. When nothing you can think of doing seems to make it any different. You keep hoping, telling yourself that he promised it would be forever, he promised for better or worse, sickness and in health. Then you find out that it was all just a lie to him. Still I kept telling myself that there couldnt be anything worse than the things he had done before and I had stayed with him and somehow had managed to work with him to get through them, even though I was unhappy and hurt to the core. During those times there wasnt even the thought that of turning to someone else, there wasnt someone else sitting in the wings wanting me. When I ask him why, he just said that he wasnt happy. Well the times when I wasnt happy, I made the same promise to him that he made to me... I guess the only difference was that I meant it and he obviously didnt. He left Valentines night after telling me that wanting me to pay all the bills and let him live in the house with me enjoying all the comforts of home so to speak, and oh by the way he was going to drop my insurance on Monday because he couldnt save money to get out on his own. Looking back, if I could have seen things before the way I see them now. I guess hind sight is 20/20. It's funny in a way how the timing of all this comes out. The big major debt that he had dodged for years before I met him that had his credit to the point that he couldnt even get a cardboard box on credit. Well in a few months it will be paid off now. He finally stopped job hopping and has stayed with a company long enough now that he is getting a decent paycheck His daughter that I dont think ever really liked me because I didnt treat her better than I treated my own children, will be old enough in a couple of months that she can chose where she wants to live and I've hit a time in my life that is really hard for me to deal with. I look at myself now and look at a picture of myself when I was younger, and it just isnt the same person. It pretty much makes me feel like I was really used and discarded when I wasnt needed or attractive any more. You know those rings, the past present and future ones.. Well I had wanted one for so many years; he finally gave me one last year. I took it off today... it felt like a brick sitting on my hand, and every time I looked at it I couldnt hardly swallow. Our past was just another lie, the present hurts too bad, and there is no future.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm hurt and I'm mad... mad at myself for ever believing and trusting someone to the point that it could hurt like this again. I should have known better.
