How about completing you profile and giving some cogent details. This kind of post with this kind of question does not lend itself to effective or helpful commentary.

Respectfully,

D

Cut the guy some slack!

I'm very sorry this has happened in your life. I imagine you're feeling an enormous mix of very intense emotions.

I suggest that you put some energy into doing good things for yourself. Pamper yourself a bit. You're under tremendous stress. Be good to yourself.

While being good to yourself, I'd cut down or lay off the alcohol. During tough times, many people find solace in a bottle. I have on occasion myself. But alcohol is a depressant, so rather than feeling comforted you're likely to feel more depressed. And when it comes to love trouble, alcohol has made many a man say and do things he spends a long time regretting.

It's a real drag that your wife is having an affair. But this dark cloud may have something of a silver lining. At least you know about it. At least it's out in the open and you're not being deceived. That creates an opening to discuss things--the affair, and where you and your wife are at about your relationship. You say you fear it's "a lost cause." Perhaps. But maybe not. You have a chance here to reinvent your marriage. No guarantees, but you just might save it.

For me, an affair transitioned into a "lost cause" when my now ex-wife and her boyfriend became actual lovers. That is, when strong emotions became the dominant force in their illicit relationship, rather than just lust, excitement and sexual gratification that occurred at the early stage.

When they fell head-over-heels in love with each other, or so they thought at the time, our marriage was over effectively. No amount of talking or counseling could sway her from that strong bond with her lover.

I don't know if I can be of any help, but I can share an experience. My wife also had a co-worker thing. I say thing, because I can't say definitively if anything happened. I deployed to Iraq shortly after I found out she had feeling for this guy. she swears nothing happened, but I think deep down I know something did. I can't be mad, because i have not been an angel either. The thing I had to do, because I love her, is just work--everyday, everyday, to understand what it was she wanted from him. NOW..maybe it was friendship that got out of hand or maybe it was something, totally different, but for me, it has made my marriage a bit stronger. By the way, i've been married for 17 years, and I think the long years together,and she getting older, and hearing the younger crowd talk about their exploits was a trigger. Last thing, I'm going to say is this...try, try, try. If it's not for you to forgive, you'll know it.Like my wife, she probably knows the grass isn't greener, but human nature sucks sometimes...Good Luck

Just found the group and saying hi.As for the wife problem.I've been living with it for 29 years.It hasn't been easy to deal with but I love her and always hoped she would stop.I finally got tired of waiting for that to happen.She's on her last chance now and we talked about it.One more fling and I'm gone.Hoping the best for the two of you.Since it just started maybe she'll realize your all she needs. Good luck.Be Happy and Be kool

Same thing happened to me after being married 15 years. I forgave her and two months later she did it again. I asked why and she said she felt like she'd missed out on things because we did get married young. I said screw you and raised my kids myself until I met a married a wonderful woman. You'll never be able to REALLY trust her in your heart again. Move on and embrace new freedoms, work on yourself for a change, and be a little selfish, it's ok!