i certainly do deal with mommie issues, and i work on the forgiveness thing too, but have not been successful yet. i am getting to the place where--from a distance--i can see how her life was hard and feel a smidgen of compassion for her. but, not much.

she abused me too, physically and mentally/emotionally, and she also neglected me. she did not protect me from the abuse --sexual, physical, mental/emotional her husband and his cousin inflicted on me. i am still pretty angry. my mental health issues are a direct result of my childhood.

i really keep my distance. she lives 2 hours away. i see her maybe once a year. i talk to her maybe once a month. i cannot have an actual conversation with her because she is emotionally a teenager. i stay away from the tricky subjects. mostly i just listen to her and then i get off the phone and scream.

i honestly just hope i can find some measure of true forgiveness for her before she dies.

i dont know that this was helpful, cath, but maybe it is the start of a longer conversation. i hope so! maybe together, and with other input here, we can work this out for ourselves.

I know what your going through, i had to take care of my mother mostly all of my adult life, untill she past," belive me" she got on my nerves too. Have you ever thought the reason why? Is because maybe your the only one she can really depend on and come through for her? May you keep praying to find forgivness in your hart, when it comes to your Mother. If not, try to love her from a distance for a while, but please don't abandond her before she past, You'll be ok.

I would suggest counseling for you to deal with yourself. You are an abused child and adult and your abuser now wants you to take care of her. I can understand your anger and your ambivalence. You so want a mother who cares about you and you even are willing to accept many of her defects and still not abandon her.

Question: Is your mom and alcoholic? If so, perhaps add Alanon to the list of things you might want to try so you can feel better.

Frankly, even if she wasn't abusive, who would want to hear her "organ recital" on a daily basis?

She is older than her years, that is why I asked the question about alcoholism. At 64, I know I didn't have any more complaints than I had at 24.

Abuse is always difficult to recover from because you take abuse only from someone who is supposed to love you, protect you or provide for you in some major way. If a stranger did to you what you mom did, you would call the police and the person would be thrown in jail. As a child, you become convinced that you did something to deserve it. AS an adult, you have difficulty losing that belief and often marry someone who takes over and abuses you again. In all cases, it scars your life and your ability to deal with the issues without guilt, rage and fear.

Being a Christian won't help you recover. It will only block you from doing anything to retaliate. That is a good thing in itself, but may not be enough to restore you to feeling good about yourself and your situation.

Counseling isn't to look for ways to handle your mother., It is allowing yourself the freedom to be angry at her in the privacy of a counseling office and allow your rage built over forty years to find a safe exit. When you feel better about yourself, you can figure out what you want to do about the shell of your mother. She can't hurt you any more ... unless you let her. When you try to feed a tiger, he won't be grateful. He'll take the steak and your hand and beg for more! Abusive people have selective memories. I would bet that your mother can remember both the nice things she did for you!

God will help you with this one but only if you help yourself!

Thanks Rose, Thasaan, and Milt.

Your words have given me a lot of insight. I don't feel so guilty now.

My mom has never drank or used drugs. She has been married to my dad for 46 years. She's spoiled rotten. He takes very good care of her. I also have a brother who is transitioning back into town and he stays with them and helps her a lot. My dad is the one who drinks. I think that's the only way he can put up with her.

She is extremely self absorbed. Everyone bows down to her. No one would dare cross her. You know, the queen bee.

She is diabetic and has had a kidney transplant. She's doing pretty well considering but she acts pathetic to try to get my attention. I'm the single parent of a 14 year old girl. My mom is constantly trying to find ways to take my attention off of my child because she wants me to focus on her.

I do need to try counselling again, but I have to tell you my experiences with therapy. I didn't start therapy until I turned 41.

The first person I went to I really liked. He was retired but still worked 4 days a week because he loved helping people. Around the time I finally started opening up, he passed away. This was 3 years ago. I still miss him.

The second guy I went to was a fruitloop. He wore tons of cologne and made bad jokes. I had to quit going there out of fear of having an asthma attack in his office!

The third guy I went to did all the talking. Every session I had to pay to listen to him talk about his cruises, world trips, grandkids, wood working projects, baking, Home Depot classes, his flower garden, new restaurants, his best friend's car dealership, his ungrateful sons, his latest practical jokes, his weight loss story...Usually when there was a minute or two left I would try to bring up something that was bothering me. He'd just brush it off and tell me he would bring me some baked goods to my next session.

Nonetheless, I'm willing to give therapy another shot.

I really feel a lot better for being able to vent here. Thanks.

Wow! I am not close to my mother either. She is a very manipulative person. She'd beat us and then blame us for making her act that way. Her gifts always come with strings. I don't trust her very much. My life wasn't as bad as yours by any stretch but I still have to deal with her. She always tells me about how proud she is of my nephews and nieces but she doesn't mention mine (two nurses, one Russian translator and an Army chaplain candidate).

She makes plans that include me and then cancells them at the last minute.

She frustrates my wife to no end.

For a long time I didn't want anything to do with her but in the last year or so I have found myself convicted about forgiving. I know she isn't going to be here forever, but no matter how much she frustrates me, I don't want to see her end up in Hell. I, too, am a Christian and Jesus said his followers MUST be willing to forgive all who trespass against them. It isn't easy but it's what God commands.

That doesn't mean I have to let her walk over me or take advantage of me. I am learning how to be gentle as a dove but as wise as a serpent when dealing with her.

I hope you will be able to forgive your mother. I won't say that perhaps the two of you may someday renew your relationship as that probably won't happen, but you can forgive her and protect yourself from her attacks. If she doesn't remember her abusive actions then an apology probably won't come. Love her with the love God has for you.

I hope this helps. God bless.

i havent had a whole lot of luck finding a good therapist. at some point they all seem more screwed up than me, and so i move on.

Thanks Lobo, it does help.

That's sad how your mom treats you. My heart goes out to you.

I do need to reach a higher level of love--God's love--because the human love that I have is not enough to overcome my anger toward her.