Thank you for posting your life story - the small part of it that is behind you. You are a very courageous young woman and you should be praised for the job you are doing. There are hints that you are still not what you will someday become. The fact that you cut yourself as recently as two months ago says you still are holding lots of rage and self-condemnation. When you have been hurt deeply enough for long enough, you no longer need an abuser. You take over and do it to yourself!

Perhaps you should consider finding an abuse therapist because in the history of the world, some may have suffered as much abuse as you but if they are alive to tell about it, not more. Your father was abusive - just not sexually abusive. He was violent, mean and did hurt your mother physically. Tell me: Does anyone you know in his right mind throw a five pound barbell plate at his spouse or at anyone else for that matter? It could main or kill.

I hope that your stepfather rots in hell and if you need a little help getting him there, I will be happy to volunteer. He is too low to kick and too wet to step on.

The fact that you are reaching out to help others may be a positive sign. You are far ahead of many others who are still in abusive relationships. In that respect, you have moved on. But you need to deal with the invisible scars so that you are never again tempted to hurt yourself. There are enough rotten bastards out in the world who would hurt people. You don't have to give them a head start through self-hurting.

Do yourself a favor: Don't bring a child into the world just yet. Why? Because you never had a childhood and you can have some fun times before you settle down to raise a child or children. Take a couple of years and just enjoy the freedom a young couple has to go places, not worry about babysitters, feeding times, diapers, expensive doctor visits. You will be a wonderful mother but you will be a better one if you make up for the fact that you had a miserable, dangerous and horrific teen age thanks to your father, stepfather and your mother who didn't prevent it from happening.

And the answer to the unasked question is: Yes, I am a professional therapist. My lifetime work was with abused women. I even wrote a self-help book many years ago that a previous generation of women found helpful. I am not trying to put a hold on your life. I am just giving you a warning that what you went through leaves scars and you need to heal them so when you move on, it is with a larger margin of error.

People here would be better knowing you are healing yourself than worrying about them. It is not just an age thing. It is a life experience thing. Anyone who has been where you are and has moved on will tell you that there are a lot of holes to fill before you are on safe ground.

And your wonderful boyfriend may be able to benefit from a little help, too. If he is having panic attacks, there are holes in his life that love alone can't fill.

I'm going to make you the same offer you made the group. I've made it to others here, too; some people have taken me up on it. If you ever need someone to talk to, I would be happy to give you my e-mail address. We will never meet which is a good thing. Sometimes, anonymous help is best. I am retired, but my mind isn't. Some of us "older" folks still have lots to offer, too.

God bless and keep you safe and help you to become whole. You weren't put on earth to be a victim. Whatever your "job" will be in this world is for the future to determine.

Milt, you never cease to amaze me with your wisdom. Wish my psychiatrist was more like you.

Renaissance--I hope you'll take Milt up on his offer of help--he knows his profession very well and is good at what he does. Sometimes life hands us challenges way before we are able to deal with them. You've been through a lot already and you don't have to do it all on your own.

Renaissance, You are wise way beyond your years. It doesn't matter how old you are , you had a lot of really good stuff to say. I think it's amazing the things you have endured during your childhood and can be so happy and positive. If you were my daughter I would be so proud.

its nice to know im not the only one that this has happend to and if that wasnt enough i had to marry a heavy drinker and for the first 22 years of ower marredge thats all we did was fight and my kids were subject to that and i finnally got the coredge to leave and he straighned up in a hurry but iv always had to deal with deppression all my life but it really dint get bad untill about a year ago i had a grandbaby to die he was 7 weeks old and his mom was throne out of here house 4 or 5 times but he was ready to be a daddy when mattew was born but he dint stay at the hospital with here and he dint even take a picture with him and then he died and i felt like mattew was a little misfit all i know is i loved that baby like he was mine and everyone but me and my daughter has went own she is fixing to have another baby but i cant get close to another baby like i did mattew i have to deal with it everyday of my life noing what happend to my baby i was there when he took his first breath and i was there when he took his last and everyday it hurs as much as when he died and im in conceling but it dont help i wish someone would tell me how to go on with my life