good for you, leo, not to have passed on the abuse. i can totally relate to what you are saying. my biggest effort has been to raise my daughter in an abuse free environment. i see her now at 17 being so much healthier than i ever was.

people do not understand how abuse changes you forever. only those of us who have survived that understand that fully. i understand your struggle and i admire your courage. thank you so much for sharing here. RoseFinch

Thank you rose. I was surprised to see everyone in this discussion using the same words I have used. It has surprised me to see that I am not alone in this. If it was not for my lovely daughter I would have left long ago. It certainly was difficult to raise her without violence, but it can be one my pain is in front of me all the time and I decided I did not have the right to burden her with that. I have actually been the rock for my niece and nephew as well. They were raised in a crack house and I had to rescue them time after time. Funny how I became the safe house! I did learn that when you are young and unsafe, that one kind someone can make all the difference. I think everyone here is so brave. Although these posts are sad, they actually give me hope as well. It is like finally letting someone hold your hand and finding out it doesn't have to hurt after all.

just the very fact you have chosen not to perpetuate the cycle of abuse is something to be very proud of.

and yes! special someones who make all the difference--they are our angels. i have had many of them. they showed me i was worthy of love. still do!

i still have issues with trust and relationships. i am most comfortable with children, animals, and the developmentally disabled. and that is okay. we have a lot of laughs and a lot of fun.

it is up to us to make the best out of what we have left after the abuse goes away.

thank you rose

I too am more comfortable around kids and pets. I have also worked with aids patients as a buddy. I can't seem to let myself really trust. Love I seem to be able to hand over only on my own terms, I don't like the vulnerability of it. Still....anyway thank you for your kind words. Have a wonderful day

Leo9, I have so much admiration for you. I am sorry that you experience so much pain, but by what you have done for your daughter, niece and nephew, you have brought more good to this world than most of us ever do.

- Brian

Thanks Brian

I have never thought of myself as particularly strong or good, but sometimes I am given a new perspective on things. Yesterday was my nephews birthday, he turned 19. He told me when he was six he would be a chef when he grew up and take care of me forever! He has been working as a dishwasher and now they are teaching him to be a sous chef. I taught him to cook when he was in the first grade when he was having a hard time with his reading. What better than a recipe! Its good to be able to glimpse in myself what others can see already.

Iam 61 and the childhood abuse is still with me.

When I was 4 my mother married a crazy man.My first memory was of looking thru the window and seeing my mother laughing and talking to some woman,inside the house I was terrified.Her new husband put his hand in my pants.I had on elastic waisted jeans.He put his finger in my vagina and it really hurt.I called my mother.He told me to shut up.He said if I told my mother then she would put me in a home for crazy little girls and I would never see her or my brother again.

Thus began a life of horror for me.Eventually another personage ,another little girl showed up and she would send me away while she endured the pain of being abused in every way possible.She was so much stronger than myself.I was a sniveling little piece of human material that was completely unable to handle the torment,She whom I knew as Faye would take over and let me go away,Sometimes I would float over Fayes body and feel sorry for her,sometimes I would not be,period.

When I was 12 my mother and this man went out drinking and when they came in they came to my bed and mama told me to go to their bed.I began crying and I said no.My mama slapped me in my face and called me a little bitch.She said I would do it if she wasnt there.

I dont think even Faye could endure my mothers abuse.

Hurt people hurt people!.