Yes, yes you adore him or her. But do you like'em?
Falling in love has all kinds of rules and rulebooks. It almost seems easy when you compare it to finding a true friend. It's a messy thing that doesn't come with a book that advises, "10 Ways to find your Ideal Friend'.
That's why I think sometimes, some people fall in love and then realize later they don't like their partner. They confused the two.
What do you say?
d
Posted: Jan 3, 08 2:57pm
Interesting question. I must say that my current wife is probably the only one of three I "Like" as well as love.
Posted: Jan 3, 08 3:07pm
Yes, I both love and like my spouse, most days ;-). I do not think you have real love without like.
Posted: Jan 3, 08 3:05pm
Hello Curious Dina, most often when couples married it's because they think they are so much in Love that they cant live without him or her.Now then when after so many months it's when their true colors come out so to speak.And then either you stay with him or her because there are some things you like about them and try to ignore whatever it is that bugs you of him or her.I know because it happen to me. Yes I love my husband but didn't like him..I am a widow now.
Posted: May 14, 08 11:44am
been with my wife 22 years now wow! needless to say having the same problems. she turned 50 and the other wife inside her came out mean. hateful, ugly mouth, makes you want to end it but then I think were would I be without her? lost,, alone, mean, hateful, etc etc to make a long story short let me remind you that you did say till death due us part cant live without her
Posted: Jan 3, 08 3:13pm
I am sorry to say that no, I don't like her much anymore. We got married way to soon, and after almost 22 years together, I have actually grown to dislike her.
Posted: Jan 11, 08 8:47am
davidg13 - I am in the same situation as you. I married way too young - without giving a thought to the future - or what my husband was really like. I was in love, or at least I thought I was.
I have very little, if any, love left for him. I barely like him. Its very sad, I know, but its the facts.
Posted: Feb 10, 08 1:16pm
I have only been married 5 yrs and know what u mean. so stay or go?
Posted: Apr 15, 08 2:21pm
I would hate to be married to someone that disliked me. Why not do both of you a favor.
Posted: Apr 18, 08 8:47pm
amazing I know so many that happens to after spending a life time together
Posted: Jan 3, 08 3:17pm
Hello Curious, yes there is a difference between liking and loving a person. There is also that thing called being in love too. My hubby and I have been married for 6 years. I like him, I love him, and I'm in love with him until he pisses me off lol. ; )
Posted: Jan 3, 08 3:33pm
He's my best friend. I like him more than anyone else I know. We were good friends before we started dating and then some big spark got ignited and we went through that wonderful hot and heavy stage of new relationships. But after 25 years, that's gone. What's left is deep affection, still some passion, tremendous respect, and lots and lots of like.
Posted: Apr 15, 08 2:31pm
I believe it's only gone because you choose to Let it be gone. There's no reason you can't stir those embers to a flame. I think that one of the most pervasive mistruths about marriage is that it gets old, or has to lose it's honeymoon phase. I think it ebbs and flows, not comes and goes. You can fall "in love" with your husband, any time you chose.
Posted: Jan 3, 08 5:07pm
If I had no other reason for liking my wife, it would be the following: Who else would have put up with me for the last 40 years with minimal complaints? There are many more and better reasons. She and I are not social butterflies. We have each other. We communicate about all the important things. We disagree but we don't argue. When I've been down or made mistakes, my wife was always there for me.
And ... the woman is a stone fox - always has been, always will be! That would buy a lot of forgiveness if there was ever anything I had to forgive her for.
I have only one complaint and it is petty. She never read either of the books I wrote, though she did brag about them to her friends back in the days when they were first on the market. On the other hand, I read every word she's ever had published. But I guess reading a few ten page articles isn't like reading two 125,000 word books, especially when one is in very tiny typeface and the other is about abused women, many of whom she met when she would come to my office. They were a little brash sometimes. One who is prominent in the book once told my wife that she was planning to steal me from her. But, that was the professional life I led. There was no way it could have happened and in reality, she never tried; she was just a little alpha and wanted to see what would happen.
However, during the year that I was writing and editing the books and spent all my free time locked in my office, she never made a peep. I did the same for her when she was writing. What's curious is that our major writing took place at the same time so there was little difficulty for either of us. Most of our writing took place after the kids were asleep so they didn't feel the impact of it at all.
We don't live in the past. We don't ever bring up differences we had in the past. If it happened yesterday, it was finished yesterday. No recriminations, no guilt trips and no taking emotional hostages.
Its been a wonderful forty years and hopefully, the next forty will be even better.
Posted: Jan 3, 08 5:40pm
You and Mrs. Milt are very lucky.
Here's to many more happy years together.
Posted: Jan 4, 08 7:07am
It wouldn't be a risk to say that your wife likes you, too. How could she not. Thanks, Milt, for reminding me what matters if you want a long, happy marriage.
d
Posted: Jan 3, 08 5:15pm
I love my hubby and most of the time I like him, too. We've been married a long time and sometimes we do drive each crazy. He's around the house more since he retired--and he's very persnickety about things, but I wish he would stop organizing my cupboards (soups in alphabetical etc!). I think I got off topic--what was the question again?? :-)
Posted: Feb 15, 08 8:51am
Yeah, it's tough to have them underfoot, huh?
It's the sponge at our house. He leaves it out on the counter...arrgghhh.
Posted: Jan 3, 08 5:20pm
Depends!!!
Posted: Apr 19, 08 5:29pm
Know what you mean. Perfect example...Mine was sick last week. I waited on him hand and foot. Now it's my turn. I have a fever and feel horrible. I had to clean up the kitchen, cook dinner and clean it up.
This was after I told him I was hungry and got no response. Then after all this he tells me I need to lay down and get some rest!!! Yea, after his belly got full. Then they wonder why we end up not liking them anymore??
Posted: Jan 5, 08 2:57am
My wife likes everything but me!
Cigarettes
friends
food
sleep
her job
Maybe I'll join this list one day. I like my spouse but she is horrible to deal with and selfish.. put it this way if she left I would not be sad at all and my love for her is dwindling by the day.
Posted: Jan 5, 08 9:43am
Your wife's list is frighteningly similar to mine. My wife recently told me I was about #5 on her list (and the best I could hope for was #2). Her list:
- The kids
- Her non-profit
- Sleep
- Cigarettes
- Me
It wasn't an angry statement, just an honest statement of fact. I still like her, but this is one of the fundamental problems in our relationship: we have different ideas of where our spouse should be in terms of priorities.
Liking one's spouse is a completely different question than being able to live with them. I like my wife a lot, everyone does. I'm not sure I can live with her.
Posted: Jan 12, 08 6:52am
To Agent00Soul and Dana-7:
I feel for your situations, but from the minute our daughter was born, she came first. I certainly didn't love my husband any less. Even so, it has caused all kinds of problems over the years because I am very truthful. He asked, and I told him, "yes, she comes first".
From that point on, all things that he disagreed with in my life (especially when I became a youth group leader to keep our daughter involved and help other people's kids) became in his mind more important than him. That wasn't true either.
The youth group thing was initially for our daughter and then because I could see I really was helping the other kids. It was temporary. It was ten years of my life and ten years of fighting him for it, but it was still temporary, while our marriage is supposed to be for life.
Our daughter is grown now and in college, doing very well. I ended the youth group last spring just before her high school graduation.
Now that he has me all to himself, old problems have come back. He's controlling, treats me like a pet, and I cater to his every beck and call because he's the only focus for my everyday love right now (and he's disabled). He's happy, but I'm suffocating.
Now that he comes first, is it right that I should be miserable for the next ten years?
Posted: Jan 12, 08 7:49am
Gigagnat,
That was the most useful kind of post possible: one that provides a view from "the other side". I can't tell you how useful that was. That is the real value of a site like this.
I understand what you (and my wife) are saying. That position is not unreasonable (putting kids 1st).
I have the advantage of having had 10 years of marriage before kids and can compare what is different now than before. We used to go out and have fun together, we no longer do. We used to choose to spend whatever free time we had together, we no longer do. We used to go on vacation together, we no longer do. We used to chose to make time for each other we no longer do. Other than the stuff that requires our joint participation, we have no life of any sort together. I feel like we have become strangers. More precisely friends and roommates.
There are understandable reasons for the above: we have more responsibilities (including our kids' welfare), less free time. The problem is that while it would certainly be harder to keep our life as a couple going, instead of becoming something that we try harder at to keep something going (that is why I think it should remain #1), we have gone with the default and let it fall off the radar. I see this as a problem. My wife doesn't. She is *completely* (her words) happy with our life together. So instead of staying up talking or watching a movie, she goes to bed very early, often with the kids. She went on a 6-week vacation/business trip last summer with the kids, then a 2-week holiday be herself, and will soon be leaving for a 10-day trip to Spain with a friend. Instead of drinking her morning coffee with me, as she used to (recently), she nows spends it outside smoking. The time that she does have free, she spends on the computer running her non-profit, a recent addition to her life. She spends every Saturday out of town with our eldest. We used to spend weekends together, or at least as a family. Afternoons are taken up by long naps, often with our youngest. These are all choices. I have explained that I miss her and her company, but the reality is that this is less important to her than these other things in her life.
If we don't spend time together, how can we have a relationship? If we don't have a relationship, I am unhappy. Interestingly, my wife does not seem affected this way. The lack of personal contact between us (dates, going out, spending time together) has not made her feel distant from me (according to her). I don't understand this. Perhaps she gets enough satisfaction from family life that the other stuff isn't as necessary. Perhaps the kids meet all her needs for intimacy. They simply don't for me.
My wife doesn't understand why I am unhappy, I don't understand how she can be.
If we are not each others' first priority, we will never spend any time together. That is the reality of our lives. I can't beg for her to spend time with me. It doesn't work. I need her to want to spend time with me.
An extension of the intimacy problem is the lack of physical intimacy, which is a whole other dimension to our lives: she is very content with sex once a month or less, I need the re-affirmation that I am loved (sex) much more often. That is a whole other (long) thread, which has already been beat to death.
I despair at times because it seems like we just want very different things out of marriage and life. I don't know how that gets resolved.
Thanks again for your perspective, it was so much more useful for having differed from my own.
Posted: Jan 12, 08 9:00am
How can she not be happy Dana..My goodness shes able to do whatever she pleases..WithOut You!..You kidding vacatians in Spain...Whole days off on the weekend..WithOut You...And how cool is it to still have someone to be home and taking care of the bills...SWEEEET!..And did I mention a 2 week holiday ..BY HER SELF?!!...Damn she has the best of both worlds..
You need to regroup Dana...And By YourSelf...
Posted: Jan 12, 08 3:17pm
Doreen is right. There is a lot more going on here. My situation is unique to me and mine. Yours is unique to you and your wife. My only advice is some kind of mediation or counseling to get the two of you at least talking again. It's going to be communication or lack of it that helps to solve this for you.
I don't believe that anybody can be 100% to another person. We all need more than that, but it should be understood and accepted, not hidden and festering. I wish I could be of more help than that.
Posted: Apr 9, 08 3:18pm
Brother Soul,
I feel you there. I come after the dogs. I guess I should be glad she doesn't like my cat or my kids (not hers) so I'm not on the bottom.
Posted: Jan 5, 08 12:53pm
Right on Dana.. when you are #5 on the list you have to ask yourself "Does she love me at all" I've always put my spouse first but she will only have time for or even be bothered when its a night where she does not have to work the next day or if her friends don't call then she's left with me! One day that list will be all she has to rely on.
Posted: Mar 14, 08 10:13am
I give you credit for hanging in there. Some other woman will come along and snatch you up quickly if she doesn't come to her senses.
Posted: Apr 9, 08 5:12pm
You guys are right! It's sad that some people have to wait for a tragedy or the end of their life before they realize what's really important.
Posted: Jan 5, 08 1:53pm
I always love him but I don't alwyas LIKE him or what he does--or how he makes me feel.
Posted: Jan 5, 08 2:01pm
I agree totally with kle618. I feel the same way. I will love my husband and adore him forever, but I don't always agree with somethings he does or how he treats me.
I think thats MARRIAGE in general...Who knows...
Posted: Feb 15, 08 9:04am
As my friend Helen says, 'that seems like fodder for therapy'.
Have you tried gently sharing that with your husband? Over the years as a mediator, I've been amazed at how often people:
- don't realize their words/actions are hurtful
- believe that a loved one won't be offended because 's/he knows I don't mean it
-resist sharing their hurt/disappointment with the person they claim to love most
-think there are magic words that lead to change or forgiveness
The magic is in being willing to take the risk to talk. The magic is in being as supportive of yourself as you would be of others
The magic is in being authentic and honest.
I can't tell you how may times the phrase, 'I didn't know that' has lead to deeper understanding and connection. I hope you experience that, too, Kle
Climbing down from my mediator perch now...
d
Posted: Jan 5, 08 2:12pm
I always liked this statement by my mother-in-law about divorce
"Divorce? Never. Murder, now that's another story.
Sometimes I feel like my spouse is my best friend, sometimes not. But one thing is for sure, I know we will always be there for each other--whether it's like or love at the time.
Posted: Jan 6, 08 12:35am
Wasn't it justawriter who had the post about how there shouldn't be ex husbands, only late ones?
Posted: Jan 9, 08 1:49pm
Very funny and possibly an option for when my hubby acts up!
d
Posted: Apr 15, 08 2:50pm
yup, we said 'til death do us part; I just haven't set a date yet...
Posted: Jan 5, 08 2:42pm
If I didn't like my husband, he would not be the emotional center of my life after 37 years.
Like most couples, we've been known to find each other wildly annoying. Early on, I thought this meant our marriage must be doomed. Love was supposed to be perfect harmony, right? No fights over who does the dishes and whether capital punishment is a moral outrage? I didn't understand that some kinds of friction are full of possibility. They're invitations to start doing a few things differently, instead of the same old self-defeating way.
Long story short: I walked out. Not for anyone else, just to get the hell away from him. But I couldn't stay away.He changed, and I changed along with him. Sometimes over the past few decades, the opposite has been true.
Like Milt, I have to credit my spouse with enormous patience and self-sufficiency when I'm holed up writing. In full creative flight I'm not attentive, talkative, funny or sexy. I leave the world behind, and he waits for me to drift back to earth. Last year I published my first book--not the kind of book he ever reads (in other words, not about murder, science, history or baseball). He not only read it with pleasure; he's been my biggest supporter. In return, I put up with his foibles. And I try very hard not to nag.
Perhaps the most important question is not whether or not I like him, but whether I like who I am when we're together. For the most part, yes. But not always. The stone-in-the-shoe moments are cues to ask myself what it is that drives me crazy--what he's doing or how I'm responding.
Posted: Jan 9, 08 1:51pm
Our spouses can act like mirrors for us in ways that other's can't, I think. If I take the time to reflect on why 'whatever it is' is bothering me I usually come right back to something about me I don't like or want.
Working on having the best marriage I can allows me to work simultaneously on being the best me.
d
Posted: Jan 9, 08 1:55pm
I like her and love her. There is no one else whose company I enjoy more.
I lucked out!
Posted: Jan 10, 08 9:56pm
Come on, everybody, let's all be honest here! Aren't there days where we would all like to trade our spouse in for a cuddly kitten or puppy? Or a hershey chocolate bar?
Posted: Jan 11, 08 8:43am
Yep, some days I'd rather he be a bottle of champagne and a 3 pound lobster...a totally enjoyable experience.
d
Posted: Mar 15, 08 9:31pm
LOL! I've got 4 cats & a freezer full of Hershey's kisses, PLUS the spouse! There are days I'd trade all of them in for a maid & cute waiter!!
Posted: Feb 9, 08 9:52am
One of the first questions I always ask a couple who come to me for counseling is whether they like each other. It's very telling.
For those who feel they are ignored in their marriages, or who feel it's all a stale work-a-day arrangement I urge Sweetheart Time. At least once a week the couple (without any other family or friends) need to do something like what they did when they were dating in order to remind each of them why they are there - movies, dinner out, a walk. If they can afford it an overnight somewhere else, even a Motel 6, every so often is crucial too. If those times together are difficult to get through, if there's nothing to talk about and/or you'd rather be doing a dozen other things the relationship is dead or badly in need of revival....if possible.
Posted: Feb 13, 08 11:59am
Very interesting topic! Do I have to be honest? ;)
I do and I don't. Some of his ways are not my ways. Some of his humor is not my humor. I guess I like him some of the time, and tolerate and respect his differences the other portion of our time together.
Posted: Feb 13, 08 12:02pm
And you, Claire, are the lady in the "How Many Times is Perfect?" thread who says she wants and has sex twice a day?
Very interesting disconnect!