Second time around for me. My current wife expended extraordinary energies, time and resources on her role in raising our more-than-wonderful lovely daughter "perfectly" or "ideally". As though a complex science project. She did a fabulous job, far better than anything I could do.

Nothing in her raising was left undone, except helping nurture the very reason our daughter came into this world in the first place ... the relationship. Exhaustion and time took its predictable toll. Now our daughter is away at a far distant university, while we are here seeing if it is at all possible to put the pieces of the relationship back together again. In hindsight, I wish that I and she had done much more to help the crucial relationship flourish.

I'll probably get flack from romantics but there is a third choice, and, to my mind, a better one. Where to put one's primary time and energy? Yourself first, then you pick whatever priorities you decide. If you don 't come first you have little energy to give to others. Being rested and fulfilled creates a better spouse, parent, friend, worker, etc.

IT SHOULD BE KINDA OF A 50/50 DEAL, IF MY CHILDREN WERE YOUNG THEN IT WOULD HAVE ME THINKING ABOUT MY MARRIAGE, IF THE KIDS ARE TEENAGERS THAN, IT WOULDNT MATTER TO MUCH, BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND MARRIAGE AND A FAMILY, THEN YOUNGER KIDS, IN OTHER WORDS THEY CAN RELATE TO THE UPS AND DOWNS THAT COMES ALONG WITH THE MARRIAGE THING.

I'm with Isadora on this one. I find that the more I take care of my own needs, the more I have to give to those around me. Or at least, I have a better attitude about things.

But, I also really think it's unrealistic to think anyone can sustain putting their spouse, their kids, or even themselves, first ALL the time. Life happens... and it seems to me that you have to work at being aware of who needs you more at any given moment.

Well seeing that my kids were always my first priority outside of God, when my hubby and I married they were well into their adult stage but were still living at home with us. I addressed the issues of me turning all my attention to my new hubby because I felt I had done my part as a parent to the point of them being able to sustain on their own without me holding their hand, but also letting them know I was atill there for them in their times of need. I turn and focused on my hubby and his and my needs first.

I think CuriousDina asks some good questions.

Evolution says the answer is the kids. Spouses are a dime a dozen but a lasting genetic imprint of you is in your kids.

If you have a partner with whom you are in harmony, this isn't an issue. The kids are an important part of a family but the core of the relationship is the two adults who form it.

Not to be sarcastic, but love is forever; kids are only until they can find a replacement for you!

If you do your job well with them, they become healthy adults who find their own lives and allow you to pursue yours.

I disagree with some of the comments about putting yourself first: If you put yourself first, you may find that you soon will have only yourself to put anywhere. If you give of yourself first, you will often be surrounded by people who care and appreciate what you have done and you won't need them around all the time because giving people can always find someone to give to. I believe you have to believe in yourself and value yourself but when you turn your eyes inward by the time you look outside, there is nobody there.

I count on myself first so that I will never be a burden to anyone but I put many people's needs ahead of mine and have never for a moment had cause to regret it. The only catch is you also have to believe that nobody owes you anything - especially your kids.

Like everything else that has real meaning, it isn't all black or white. Life is full of vague areas and contradictions. Those who can juggle them without dropping too many end up the most satisfied when the game is over.