well done! welcome back,love to read more that was intence.

Bmichael,

Good to see you! The short answer is: yes. I was struck, as always, by your willingness to investigate the dark side of human behavior. Many writers veer away from the shadows. You and I share this affinity for turning over rocks and seeing what lies beneath.

Glad you decided to experiment with flash fiction. It is a rigorous and demanding form. As I read others' work and write more of my own I am coming to realize that this genre is often best used to tell life's smaller, quieter stories...stories that involve the reader via subtext. That which isn't told. Rather than reacting to what is happening to your character(s) the reader's investment in the story comes from the "I've been there...I've felt that" reaction.

Just food for thought. May I encourage you to write another piece, this time using a less dramatic episode as the locus?

Good work.

- akabukowski

I comment with trepidation. I'm unfamiliar with flash fiction so I don't know if it obeys the accepted rules of Story.

The piece felt overwritten and puffy, trading true horror for melodrama.

Angel was tired – and numb to his torment. He was her creation - molded and formed for fourteen years, and now, had become her prey.

Dude, I love you like lunch but this kicked me out of the piece and put me to sleep. When I read this I see a vaudeville actress, overblown like burnt puff pastry, one hand to her heaving breast, the other to her anguished brow, declaring her horror before she collapses artfully on the tasseled chaise lounge and must be revived by application of smelling salts by her footman.

Perhaps rewrite to something like this: "She'd created Angel fourteen years ago and now she fed on him, tormenting him. He was numb and exhausted."

Secondly, is Jessie the younger sister? I assume she is but it's not clear in the piece.

Overall your piece is intense and I want to read more of it.

My friend:

I confess I was really confused, but maybe it's just me.

I can't decide if this is a ghost story or a tale of kinky domestic abuse with costumes. I'm sorry, B-, I think I'm just being obtuse.

"The hollow where the face should have been" has to be a macabre tale of the undead, but later he calls her "Mama."

Who's jessie? I still don't know who's who, why it's happening, or how it ends - exactly.

I was confused like Westerly. But I think it was only because Angel carries more feminine weight as a name, for me - and also that the abuser was a woman. Once I'd worked out the genders of the characters and what was actually going on I was alright. Of course that was about the third read thru, and by then the drama had gone cold on me. Seriously, B, try the same story but call the main character John, or something.

I'm no too sure about Ken's suggested rewrite. I think it takes away the idea of an abuser 'creating' a personality over time that is capable of bloody revenge.

Thanks, everyone for your comments.

I held my breath on this one, a little, not only because of the challenge of the short format, but the subject is certainly on the grim side.

Nebrad’s comment on the character’s name was of particular interest. I’m of the opinion that names, at times, can enhance a story, especially if they’re a bit unusual. Angel (pronounced “On-hell”) in the Hispanic community can be male or female. This, of course may not be common knowledge in every locale. Here in Kentucky, we say “Ayn - jail”. Thanks for bringing it up - it’ll make me more conscious in the future. Also, nice catch about the revenge, or maybe just survival?

Ken…you want…more? I’ve only got four words left, pal - there ain’t no more. I think that flash fiction should follow the rules, but with modification. Two hundred fifty words passes quickly. This may not be a form to wave the books at…instead, just ride with it.

There is not much time to develop settings, characters, etc. Akabukowski hinted that the reader may need to work a little harder, using imagination and perception, and touching on personal experience.. The author simply does not have the time to spell everything out, although, admittedly this may be governed by the main storyline. However, the responsibility always remains with the writer to provide direction, hints, clues, and catalysts. Thanks, Ken.

Flower3, my favorite response! Thank you. Hugs.

Akabukowski - I’ve only read one other story in this format - your outstanding High Meadow. Kind of asleep at the wheel, right now, but will give thought to a less intensive subject. Thanks.

My dear Westerly…here’s the story, in my mind.

Angel is fourteen years old. He is a long-term victim of abuse - by his mother. There are many forms of abuse, pick one that suits you - psychological, sexual,…whatever frightens you the most.

It’s night and dark in the bedroom. His mother ( creator and tormenter) appears -a frequent occurrence- in a dimly lit doorway. He waits to see what, if anything, will happen tonight. When she approaches, he can’t see her face against the backlight - only a ‘black oval’, intensifying the anguish, dehumanizing her.

He’s only fourteen. She has a knife. His mother.

Jessie, his younger sister, is in the next bedroom. Is the second scream part of the dream? Or is something evil happening to her?

The ending? You write it.

With gratitude.

B - never in my wildest dreams could I write an ending to something like that, Man. I'm really bad at gothic horror. I don't have that kind of imagination. I stick to the halts and stutters of the stumbling folk, like myself,I see all around me every day; this requires an eye for detail, and some curiosity, but not the loosening of the bonds of earth the horror writer must need.

(As an aside, coming from California, I am aware, that a Spanish speaker pronounces the name an- hell, but not too many people know that, and I didn't realize it was a metaphore. The girl in the next room, I thought, recognizing that perhaps this family was Hispanic, might be Sophia or Soledad. But no! I was confused again. She was just ol' Jessie from next door.) Silly me.

I know you want to explore this medium. It could be what you need to start on next. I wonder if 250 words is space enough, though. You need a long runway to gain that altitude, would be my idea.

Are you agreeing here at all?

Much encouragement, my talented friend, on your excursions into the dark side. ~ Westie