Flash Nonfiction Rewrite

Posted: May 17, 08 12:32pm

I was too emotional with this the first time to have a real handle on it. I had to stand back and get some perspective. Saw some clichés, confusing sentences, and unnecessary words. I kept hearing Ken and Milt saying REWRITE! Made a few changes, and think, (hope) it is a better read. Any and all comments or critiques are welcome.

Dad

Two phrases were stuck in my head. Please don’t let him be in pain, please don’t let him be afraid. I had never watched someone die before.

He was my Wife’s Father, but I called him Dad too. An intestinal blockage had brought him to the hospital, but after three good years, the cancer was back. I was going to miss cooking dinner for him. I was going to miss rubbing the top of his balding head. Miss the smile on his face when he played with the dog.

We stood around the bed, waiting, watching him die. I watched Dad, watched my Wife. She had seen others die in this bed. She is a critical care nurse, and this is her unit. I wondered what would go through her mind the next time she walked into this room, saw someone die in this bed?

There were six of us watching. My wife was at he head of the bed holding his hand. Our Daughter next to her, and then came his favorite Niece. His Son and Daughter In Law stood at the foot of the bed. I was at the top on the other side.

He had been unresponsive for several hours. But then his eyes opened, focused, and he smiled as he saw the people he loved. He looked at each of us, starting with my Wife. Finally, he got to me. His smile turned into a chuckle, then a laugh. It was the last thing he did.

Tags:

Death Relationships Writing Tier II Rutabagas

I was too emotional with this the first time to have a real handle on it. I had to stand back and get some perspective. ...

I didn't necessarily think it needed rewriting, but this is stronger. Done good, BD.

I didn't necessarily think it needed rewriting, but this is stronger. Done good, BD....

yeah, it was totally fine the way it was.

I didn't necessarily think it needed rewriting, but this is stronger. Done good, BD....

Hi guys, I was mostly concerned about: "Die in a bed on the hospital floor she worked as a registered nurse." "Die in a bed on hospital the floor", too confusing. Also thought "slipped away", might be a cliche, and possibly "mantra". "actually watched" I thought "actually"was unnecessay

I was too emotional with this the first time to have a real handle on it. I had to stand back and get some perspective. ...

Bubbadee, Agree with your whittling - up to the final sentence(s). Preferred the original with it's "weird magic." This conclusion feels more prosaic. For my money, revision is the toughest job a writer faces. It can feel like flying in the face of the pure creative energy that propelled the original writing. But it'd good and necessary work.

4 Comments // 4 Members

vwomack

Posted: May 17, 08 4:43pm

TeeBubbaDee wrote:

Give kudos

Westerly

Posted: May 17, 08 6:46pm

vwomack wrote:

TeeBubbaDee

Posted: May 18, 08 7:11am

Hi guys, I was mostly concerned about: "Die in a bed on the hospital floor she worked as a registered nurse."

"Die in a bed on hospital the floor", too confusing.

Also thought "slipped away", might be a cliche, and possibly "mantra".

"actually watched" I thought "actually"was unnecessay

akabukowski

Posted: May 18, 08 8:30am

Bubbadee,

Agree with your whittling - up to the final sentence(s). Preferred the original with it's "weird magic." This conclusion feels more prosaic.

For my money, revision is the toughest job a writer faces. It can feel like flying in the face of the pure creative energy that propelled the original writing. But it'd good and necessary work.

TWG: Tier II

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