Posted: Jun 16, 08 9:41pm
I am reporting on my one day stint as a Relationship Counselor.
Your comments, please...I'm a bit sunburned, so don't slap me on the back...
Dr. PhilAgree
I set up my card table under the trees by the highway, right next to the guy selling neon sculptures that ran the gamut from cold beer to flaming skulls. I asked if he had any sculptures where the skulls were drinking the beers. He didn't, but his blissful reaction made it clear I was among friends.
My white foam-core board with its stark black Sharpie lettering said it all: Dr PhilAgree, Relationship Counselor: Father's Day Advice from a court-certified father .
My first client sauntered over from the Peek-A-Poo Pups pen, her eyes glassy from the Houston heat. I had not foreseen the possibility of counseling sweaty women who had just handled slobbering puppies for fifteen minutes. I offered her a chair downwind.
"Why have you come to see me today?"
"It's my boyfriend, Doc !", pointing back over her shoulder.
"Jesus, lady, he's a puppy!"
"No, Doc, the guy there by the blue truck...see?" I saw, all right.
"Look, I was a little judgmental about the puppy. With time maybe..."
"Forget that, I need help with my boyfriend."
"Shoot your boyfriend...I mean...your boyfriend: shoot."
Her hand started toward the cigarette pack beneath her left tank top strap. She stopped, responding to the memory of manners long supressed.
"Mind if I smoke?", channeling Amy Vanderbilt now.
"Not at all, might mask the smell."
"I beg your pardon?", she barked. So much for civility.
"I said, 'Not at all, might as well' ".
Close call: I'd been warned that clients could have wild mood swings. Empathy is everything with these people. The smoke calmed her as she leaned back and began whining.
"Doctor PA, he makes a date, then calls me twenty minutes after he's supposed to pick me up and cancels the date with some lame excuse. I've gotten all fixed up for nothin' ! Do you know how much perfume costs these days?"
I doubted that she knew either, but I let it slide. Empathy, empathy.
"Tell me, Miss ...".
"Hunkoff - Tara Hunkoff", she swept a plastered hair strand back over her ear, smiling at the dissonant formality.
"...well, Miss Hunkoff, do you want to keep dating this guy?". If she said no, I knew a single friend with one of those poolside showers.
"Oh, yes, Doctor, when we do go out, he's a great guy, and he brings flowers whenever he comes over." I didn't see how flowers could work where cigarette smoke had failed, but this time I kept quiet. Counseling is about learning.
Then the answer hit me like a Jehovah's Witness on a wobbly bicycle. "Your problem is simple, my dear...it's a question of time management!"
"Time management? How so?"
"Next time he asks for a date, tell him 'Sure, but I won't start getting ready until you show up at the door. You can sit and watch TV.' See, Tara, that way you can take your time getting ready, and he can watch ESPN: win-win!"
She perked up, and her big smile lit up the space between us. "Thanks, Doc! That's perfect!"
The sun glinted off my red opaque tropical palm sunglasses as she made her way back to the blue truck. Some have greatness thrust upon them.
