Posted: Jul 24, 08 10:36am
Preface:
One of my favorite genres to read these days is short, humorous pieces (I blame the Internet). Below is my first real shot at producing something share-able in the genre.
Text:
Life’s Little Error Codes
When things just aren’t going your way, check the following glossary of possible errors. Identifying the problem is the first step to not repeating it.
“FIM Error”: foot in mouth
Similar in results to the FTT error, except that the speak subroutine is at work instead of the leap. Run abject apology software. At all costs, don’t allow the system to default into digging yourself deeper mode; temporarily disconnect from the network if necessary.
“FTT Error”: failure to think
A form of syntax error, this is caused by a reversal of the think and leap subroutines.
“GAS Error”: give a shit
That train wreck of a program might have run better if, during earlier stages of planning and execution, you had actually given a shit. Often mistaken for TTH error if self-deception protocol has been initiated.
“HIC Error”: head in the clouds
Although a certain number of dreaming and hoping cycles are recommended for all systems daily, if the system becomes looped in these cycles, disastrous errors at the registry level are imminent. Usually correctable by a swift kick.
“LIP Error”: lead in pants
Very slow booting and file execution. Often mistaken for overloaded system resources. The actual cause is a power distribution problem. Lighting a fire under the system or running Fear of God software will usually correct the error.
“ODF Error”: own damn fault
When your life system keeps crashing, and none of the usual diagnostics are showing any malicious outside inputs, it’s a good bet that the problem is your own damn fault.
“SCL Error”: soul-crushing loneliness
Arises when a system designed for network use is cut off from other systems. Rarely is a desert island involved. Before initiating reincarnation, first check for correctable FIM and TFA errors.
“TFA Error”: total, flaming asshole
Usually results from a convicted belief that all the other systems are uglier, dumber, slower, or in some way inferior to one’s own. Frequently leads to SCL errors. Often compounded by TLI errors.
“TLI Error”: telling it like it is
Related to both TFA and SCL errors, this network communication failure arises when a system appends .hon(est) suffix to .arr(ogant) and .ass(hole) files in the mistaken belief that other systems can’t tell the difference.
“TTH Error”: twenty-twenty hindsight
This often fatal error shows up in an inability to see that a decision path is likely to result in crashes until after it has already done so. No known fix except experience. Frequent backups are highly recommended.
