What I seem to see is that it's all exposition without any dialogue or action. Mix it up a little with some scenes.

We're inside Jarrin's head the whole time, and most of the sentences are the same length.

I'd love to see a flash-back scene of Marty actually being "charming" or being a "party animal," instead of just taking Jarrin's word for it. A little inter-action and some spoken words would bring Marty to life.

I read this earlier and was struggling to figure out why it just didn't "sing" for me. Westerly has nailed it.

Try re-reading it with a super-critical eye, then start over. I think you have the good bones of a story here (I want to find out why Marty offed himself), but it needs more "life," as it were . . . to make us care about the characters.

YES!!! THANK YOU, THAT'S IT!!

I've been over it and over it. I knew it wasn't clicking, but I was too close to it to see why. Shoot, it took Word to show me the typos, otherwise you would have seen Kenzie "lowing" (yes, like a cow) instead of "lowering" her eyes. lol

Now I can do something with it. If anyone else sees something that needs tweeked, revamped, or flat-out dumped, let me know. I'll bring back the altered version after I get it.

Oh, this has a little story teller intro that I left off. Perhaps it'll peak some interest?

I got the sense that this is an outline for a dozen chapters rather than a chapter. Enough characters are introduced to have a melange a trois X 2. Jarron and Marty and Mike, oh, my!

This is supposed to be the start of a book. A book has between 75,000 and 150,000 words that you will have to write or you have a novellette. Here, I believe you have done so much with so few words that all you can do now is expand upon everything you introduced rather than opening the story a petal at a time for close examination.

At the same time that everything is happening, nothing is happening. The characters are no clearer at the end than at the beginning. I think you need to sit down and examine what you are trying to do here. You have a story but instead of allowing it to emerge, you write it all in one swell foop. Characters have to grow from seedlings, not appear fully developed because the reader needs to invest in them or they are cardboard drawings that never attain the feel of people, which good characters must in short story or novel.

You have the ability to write. You use words well. You now need to go back and learn the tools of novel writing.

The beginning. A place, a person. Introduce the readers to a single person who faces a single issue. You do that but immediately scramble it up with a melange of characters and issues that no reader can be expected to follow.

Slow down. Where do you need to start to capture the reader? What is the best place to open the story? How do you take the story just one step and call it a chapter because that is what chapter writing is about.

In the novel I wrote, the main character isn't introduced in the opening chapter. I introduce only the tip of the plot using a throwaway character to set the scene. I make her so interesting that the reader is stunned when she dies at the end of the chapter. But, she served her purpose. The direction is set and then, I go develop the protagonist who, of course has no idea what is going to happen, BUT, the reader sees every little move he makes as having portent of danger and wonders what will drag him into the plot.

YOu have to hold the reader for about a week, not five minutes in a novel so you dribble the facts while building the plot around characters. The characters develop and a drop of plot spills on them as they move from chapter to chapter.

Using you plot:

Chapter one: Someone dies. As narrator, how do you have them doe to best draw out the plot?

Cjhater two: First character introduced: What do you have him do and say to get a feel for him.

I'm using opnly the information you provided to do this. But I am making one day's worth of oil stretch to eight days!

Work on it. A novel takes a minimum of five drafts ... after you think you have what you want! This is just a warm-up. Figure that your family may not see you for a year if you are really serious about this. Then, they will not see you during the book tour. They don't pay for families to come along!

MiltT, I gotta say . . . you give great critique! I am learning your craft as I read what you say to others. Thanks!

(Hope I'm not breaking the rules by diverging from the actual topic . . . just seemed like something that should be said to one who offers so much useful info.)

That was the feeling I got from it, cluttered. It's only the second or third draft, and most of the rewrites were fleshing it out.

I started with the notion of "what would be running through my head during a 2 hour drive?", then went haywire from there.

And Marilyn, I agree with you. No sense holding back when you really feel like commenting on his skills.

I know I said that thanks should be understood, but I have to say, the handful of comments I've gotten here have been more productive than my loved ones wanting to spare my feelings. They don't get, this isn't about my feelings, it's about the work.

I don't know if this makes it better or worse, but this is the prologue that starts the book, introduces the story.

*******************************************************

I’m Ian, I was born and raised in Enigma County. I always thought it was a strange place, but I’s always told that all small towns were like this. They all have their secrets. But I think they’re wrong. I don't think all small country places have a body count. ‘Course, we’re ‘pose to keep our secrets too, we ain’t ‘pose to be talkin’ to folks like you.

I remember when this young black fella came to town for Marty Michaels' funeral. It was a real shame about Marty, he could throw a real party. But that fella shouldn'ta been asking so many questions. I guess Mikey and Marty never told him what it was like around here. Prolly not, he woulda prolly been offended by that law they just repealed a few years ago. Before that, a black fella like him wouldn'ta been able to stay in town after sundown. I reckon that woulda been a pretty embarrassin’ thing to admit out in the rest of the world. But that's Enigma for ya. Hit the county line, and ya turn back fifty years. He prolly shoulda just stayed home and sent flowers.....

*Revised