Posted: Nov 13, 08 10:03am
I developed what they called then a delayed postpartum depression after my first born and it got worse after each pregnancy (total of 3, one of which we lost between the boys, mid-term). About 10 years ago they finally diagnosed me bipolar (whether I would have eventually become bipolar without having children, they can't tell me). A little over 6 years ago you could say I broke down, not wanting to live... Especially after hearing my husband really didn't know how he felt about me any more. I didn't realize it then but I'd become manic a few years prior to that, not knowing that my meds had pooped out on me, totally not working any longer, other stresses played a roll, an autistic and dislexic son but the bigest was my becoming manic (i didn't know i was manic) i started gambling, his job wasn't steady at that time as it was and he wasn't doing anything to make that better. So we as a family had already started breaking down. Also, around that same time I had lost my mother (whom I would have died along with if given the chance) and losing a 15 year psychologist due to insurance reasons. My will to live was not strong, which left me in a hospital for about 7 days, they thought they got my meds straight. But come to find out after about 1 1/2 years that they left me in worse shape. I became even more manic, the gambling may have tamed down but I became sexual in and out of the marriage and I didn't cover my tracks very well either. Somehow we managed to work together to find this FANTASTIC doctor and worked really hard at getting me under control, took him several weeks (months), but with my wellingness and hard work along with taking my medications consistantly I'm manic free today. When I started to became manic free and realized what I'd actually done the consequences weighed severly heavy on me, I never in my life thought I could ever feel so terrible about anything before. I was so ashamed for what I had done to my husband. It was difficult to believe myself that I wasn't in control at the time. I actually felt mortified of my behavior but there was no way I could take any of it back. I remember the Dr. prescribing me something to calm me down, because everytime I thought of what I had done, I tormented myself so for that betrail towards my husband I wanted to crawled out of my own skin. I thought he actually had forgiven me at one point, but I've now learned that my husband saw my mania as a choice not a sickness, even though the Dr has strongly disagreed with him. I know I but him through hell, I know I hurt him drasticly, I can't apologize enough for this sickness, but i am well now. Have been for well over a year if not almost two. No more computer, no more other men, actually no more husband either... this site and a site I share with my son is all, which i'm rarely on because my husband is on the computer as soon as he gets home. But now that I'm well he doesn't want me anymore, he's had enough of my illness and now it appears he has moved on with his life and someone else (also on the computer). How can you just fall out of 21 years of love? I don't understand...He now lives on the computer (which was my life, so is he so different now?) or he goes to work (and talks to her there too). I get nothing more than that, now mind you in all my sexually manic behavior did I ever fall in love with anyone but my husband, but I've seen it written the he loves this women. Sooooo..... I'm heartbroke, where is my "in sickness and in health". Where do I go on from here. Is there really a way to make this thing work.... Or do I just let it go and more on myself....any suggestions?????
