I'm so sorry to hear that tweedle. That has to be so difficult and painful to go through. Thank heavens I'm not dealing with anything like that yet but it is really only a matter of time for all of us. I hope you get some good advice. Hang in there.

First, you have my condolences. What a hard situation you face. I haven't faced this personally, but did hospice work professionally. There may be better advice for you from others who have faced it with their own families. But here is my two cents.

First, know that you are going to have all kinds of feelings and they're all OK. I have a friend right now who has been watching her sister live with a terminal diagnosis for three years and who is now going anytime. What she said to me, bluntly, is that she can't wait for it to be over so she can have her life back. Point being, there are many ways to feel and yours is yours, as is your dad's.

Trust your instincts about what to do, but also take care of yourself- breath, walk, eat. Use the hospice social workers and chaplains for support and information (you will have them assigned to the family) and if you like groups, get involved in a grief support group in advance.

Second, let your dad be himself- as you have no choice. The hospice folks have had this experience before. Most critical is to find and provide as much control and choice as you can to him. How can he help? Encourage him to do it. If there are only a couple things he can do, encourage him to do them and offer him the choice of which he would like to do. If he can help bathe her, have him choose the time it happens. If he can help with dressing, let him choose the clothes. Choice and control are critical. This will let him keep doing for her which is his role, from what you say.

Hope this helps.

Otter - thanks so much. It's great to have your perspective. I am going to cut and paste your advice into an email to share with my wife and sister. I think it will help all of us.

Long may you care!

Love,

Tweedle

T,

So glad to help. Wish I could do more - feel free to send PM if I can answer other questions or help in other ways.

Otter

You may find hospice your best resource. Their mission is not just to offer aid and comfort to the dying, but they take in the whole situation -- they will probably want to talk with you, first, about everything from your mother's personal habits and preferences, to your own needs.

Part of their work is to ease the transition for everybody involeved, and they are experts. So you'll be able to tell them about the "trouble with dad," and they would notice it right off anyway.

They can be expected to both advise you and most likely "handle" some of the trouble.

Good luck. I wish you well. This aging-and-dying business I have found to be essentially grim. Whether it's our culture or the plain, unburnished truth of dying, I don't know. But my experience watching my mother go was not holy, not serene, not renewing. It was unpleasant at best.

And, everyone has her/his own experience, subjectively, because every parent and every parent-offspring dyad is unique. You might think more now about what YOU need, and not just mother and father. It does get to be your turn.

My mother was diagnosed with end-stage lung cancer the last week of May last year, 5 days before her 65th birthday. She died August 10th. That was how I spent my summer. My Dad would do anything for my Mom, even let her die if that was what she really wanted, and it was. I was the one with a problem with it. Unfortunately, I was also the one with enough medical knowledge to know my efforts were futile.

Not to say my Dad didn't take it hard, he is still going through some depression from it, we all are, but I was the one that tried to find a way to save her. He would walk through fire if she asked him to, I'd walk through fire to save her.

Contacting hospice will be the greatest thing you do. They aren't angels of death, they're angels of mercy. They have counselors that will come to your home to work with anybody affected by the prospect of loving your Mother. The nurses are wonderful to talk with also, it's like they all have some deep understanding of death, they know it inside and out and can make it less traumatic just by being there. Hospice was there with my Mother, my Grandmother, and my Aunt. Different groups, all wonderful.

Your Father needs to be as hands on as possible. We're talking about a man from an era where men feel impotent if they are left helpless, he needs to be able to do whatever he can, and to be reassured that what he can't do is not his short-coming. Whether he's bathing her, giving her meds, or tucking her in and keeping her comfortable, he needs to feel he's doing something that is helping the situation.

He's going to have a harder time accepting the diagnosis, because he can't see the difference in her between the day the doctor issued the death sentence and the day before when everything was 'normal'. He's going to do what he can to try to maintain the status quo, because the status quo has your Mother alive in it. That is stage one, denial.

He's going to get angry with everybody, blame doctors, even friends and family. That's stage two. He's going to want to find alternative treatments, new doctors, that's bargaining, stage three. Then he's going to become very despondent, possibly even suicidal. Depression is stage four.

He may have already gone through some of these, he may bypass others, but these are the things to expect from him, and they are all normal. Just help him cope with them. They've been together at least 45 years, this is just as much his death as it is hers. Two bodies, one soul. As much as he may be getting in the way, he can't simply butt out of his own death. I "butted out" of the a couple of weeks in July to give others room to spend time with Mom, and now I regret it. And I know you didn't mean anything negative by the term, you were just short-handing how much he's adding stress to the situation. I'm just saying he can't help it, it's something he needs to do.

You've expressed concerns about dealing with your Father through this, there are going to be stealth emotions that sneak up on you as well. A song is going to come on the radio and leave you bawling like a baby. You're going to be driving down the road or standing in line at the grocery store and a stray thought of image, one you might now ever remember after the fact, is going to bring tears to your eyes that you can't hold back. And the guilt. Nobody warned me about the guilt I would feel over things that nobody, not even my Mother, was aware of that just took over.

Don't neglect your own emotions taking care of somebody else. Yes, your Dad needs a lot of support now, but you never know when you will too. I moved in with my parents after the first time my Mother fell, and she was gone a week later. During that week I was on the phone with hospice at the oddest hours, and they were always caring, always supportive. We were lucky enough to have the hospice nurse there the day Mom died, and helped us handle everything.

Find people to talk to. You may be rambling, but with every syllable you speak, you're releasing your stress, you're working through the emotions you need to. Find a "been there, done that" buddy, they can relate to things that seem totally bizarre to you.

I had my cousin, her mother went through the same thing almost to the letter. Her mother lingered longer, she was afraid of dying. My mother waited for me to give her the OK, I was afraid of her dying. Right after I told her, "I love you Mom, but it's time to go." she let go. Then I felt guilty for telling her to go.

OK, my long-windedness is done. If you want to talk more, I'm around. =D

Tweedle-The recommendation to seek Hospice care can be frightening. I'm sorry you are faced with the horror of watching your mother in her final stages of life & the difficulty of watching your father begin to grieve. They (Hospice) helped me realize there is a difference in the quality of life and quantity of life.

My dad was treated with dignity, integrity & compassion which helped him deal with his terminal diagnosis. The staff had a sincere desire to make his final days as comfortable as possible. They also have counselors, nurses & spiritual leaders who will be there to help you through this difficult process. Everyone deals with death & grief in their own way. Be patient with your dad, but don't forget about yourself. This is going to be hard for you too; take time for yourself and don't try to handle this alone.

Death is a normal part of life & when someone is terminally ill; it can be a blessing in disguise.