Sugarlump, it sounds like you had a tough choice to make and you made it. Forgiving him for walking out and turning his back on you was not an easy thing to do. But forgiving does not necessarily mean pretending like the past never happened and trying to be one big, happy family. As you told your father in your letter, he also made his choices and now he has to live with the consequences of those choices.

It might not hurt to send a letter now and then with a photo of the family to keep a minimal amount of communication going so that if you were ever to change your mind, the possibility would be there to make amends.

Just a thought. Take care of yourself, no matter what.

Dear Kle618:

Yes, my thoughts exactly to send a reply, for it is the right thing to do I suppose. I feel that my father, in his old age, is seeking closure in the event of his death; and you're right ... it won't hurt to respond. Although it's too late, he's sorry and that all that should matter right now.

Thank you for your support, I appreciate it.

Sugarlump, maybe I shouldn't respond because I was Daddy's girl and don't have direct experience with an abandoning parent. But I did have a father who died, 20 years ago, and I am very glad I got to tell him some things that were on my mind before he died. Your comments are about what he deserves from you - nothing, I agree. But think while he is still alive if you have anything you want to tell him, or tell him off. You don't need to continue contact after that unless you want to, but that closure could help you.

Perhaps there is something that can be gained by allowing him closure - closure of your own. There is information on health history and family traits, for instance, that might benefit your children. I think it's worth a meeting to find out for their sake.

Oh, Robin, 'Daddy Girls' are welcome to respond, and thank you. After all those years, I found that my husband of over 20 years is my 'Daddy', giving me a sample of what it feels like to be a 'Daddy's Girl' so, with his help, I was able to get over it so many, many years ago.

When I had first realized my bio-father was a 'HUey' (HUman, made a HUge mistake, and HUmbled), it was like a revelation in realizing he was nothing more than a jerk. It helped me to move on with my life without that gnawing pain in my heart. To this day, I feel so sorry for my bio-dad in having to live with his choices, and the guilt of abandoning his little girl for others those many years ago. Me? Well, I moved in with peace of mind and a clear conscious -- and I've always been there for my kids.

Robin, you are so blessed to have had the the opportunity of having a father in your life, and a right to be proud of the kind of man he was -- a REAL man; a responsible man, a caring man. You have experienced a love that many females of all ages are still searching for today.

Your words have softened my heart even more towards my bio-father, and I will reassure him to go in peace; encouraging a clear conscious. In fear of meeting his Maker, my bio-father must be at wits-ends trying to make amends! What a hell on earth.

Dear Isadora:

I have never thought of that -- the family trait thing. All these years, I have been so absorbed in poor little ME. Thank you for opening my eyes!!! When I write him, I will inquire.

Dang, you are SO smart! Thank you ever so much for such wise insight.

As an estranged father, the last three years have been filled with joy as my two older children came back into my life.

It was never a "declaration" on my part, indeed I had to completely let go of any attachment to ever having contact and being resolved that I might never again.

When my father died in '03 I saw my son for the first time in almost 15-years at his funeral. He gave me his mobile number and we began talking. We met a few more times and it was always softly, softly and I always left the contact ball in his court.

The telling moment was a dinner about two years later just before my mother's 75th birthday. He asked about the situation with his mother and I asked him what he had been told and he said, "nothing. It is as if you never existed and there are so many questions and holes."

What made this work Sugarlump, was my answering his questions openly, honestly, without judgment or blame. I accepted responsibility for my actions in the marriage failing and I shared some unpleasant truths about myself and how I behaved at that time.

The same a few days later with my daughter. I visited her at University and today at 24 and 20 they are an important part of my life. My daughter has come to visit Wales and we are brick by brick building something very special.

And it is always softly, softly, free from pressure or demand. There are moments of anger and they are welcome.

I remember my ex- asking me 18-years ago when I demanded to be a part of my son's life "for whose benefit are you doing this, him or you?" and I honestly did not have a good answer.

Set some ground rule and boundaries sugarlump and make them non-negotiable. The more he pressurises the situation, the more you need to ask who he is doing this for and why? Unless you have the tough talks, there can be no real healing. Unless both sides see their role in the creation of this situation, there can be no closure. It's worth it though, we know we cannot change the past so we focus on this moment and are building a future.

Best of luck.