It's very reasonable of you to demand that you wife chose between you (the marriage) or her lover. Do you know why she cheated and presumably continues? Do you think that she might have felt that she needed more attention, romance, passion, or sex in her life? Why can't she shut off the illicit affair with the other guy, do you know? Even though you deeply love her, does she feel the same way about you? Deep down, what does she want?

Such answers to these and other questions can be very hard to come by through you two just sitting down together. There are so many distracting emotions involved in such discussions. I strongly suggest finding an experienced marriage guidance counselor to help sort out important issues, and to give valuable assistance in you both moving forward with your marriage and life.

Keep in mind, lonely, that her admission was not for your benefit, but, rather, her own. In telling a partner of an indiscretion, the cheating partner assauges some guilt and by doing puts the ball in your court. It is now up to you to act on what is in your heart. If you want to preserve what is left of your relationship, give her an ultimatum with a time limit. If she is unable to satisfy your demand, you will have your answer.

I just found out my wife has been cheating on me for 17 years, most of it 13-17 years ago.

A couple were more recent (5 years ago, last summer). One will be next week.

I have a blog, where this was the topic of a post:

http://mylifeasme-dana.blogspot.com/2008/01/day-earth-stood-still.html

In so many ways, we have a good marriage, and despite my anger and hurt she is a good person in almost every other way. I love her, she loves me. We've decided to try an "open" marriage, which is weirder than anything I was capable of imagining a week ago.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I also had one one-time affair last summer. I understand how it happens. It isn't that complicated, really.

hey there LonelyElmo,you may find the book after the affair helpful it gives you some insight on what goes on in the minds of the cheater and the one being cheated on ....i also agree with 40snfabulous.

Don't enable bad behavior. Get out while you can for your safety. Her behavior is unacceptable. Period.