Hi Major. Regarding the antidepressants, perhaps she should check into another medication. I had a friend who was quite frustrated because antidepressants were killing her sex drive and she and her husband were very active. She worked with her doctor and switched meds a few times until she found something that dealt with the depression without adding to it with no sex life.

Another thing that crossed my mind is whether or not you and your wife are affectionate toward each other and spend time together other than when you go to bed. I ask this because as my marriage was going through meltdown, I was trying to get my husband to spend time with me in the same room as we were unwinding during the evening. He would continue to go off to his man cave and watch the golf channel all night rather than spending time with me. It was pretty hard to get myself excited about sex with him when he couldn't even spend time with me leading up to bed and the "big event".

Finally, if you do decide to go for the affair, understand that it will likely be a pale replacement for what you once had. I went to a website for married people to find married people before deciding to get a divorce. I thought if I replaced the sex then I would be happy. The site worked great for me. I met some great men and one seemed to be the right man for a longterm affair which is what we were both looking for. It was a great plan and he was a lovely gentleman. The only problem was that I found I needed more than he could give. Without the interaction throughout the week the sex didn't work for me. Perhaps you will be luckier.

Ok Major I just want to know, you say you love and like your wife but you just dont have sex with her anymore.

Having an affair would be just an quick fix, but would you be able to live with yourself if you did that and be able to look at your wife the same way you do now.

I think having an affair would not be the way to go, the guilt alone would get me.

The most widely prescribed antidepressants are the SSRIs, the Prozac family of drugs, including Paxil and Zoloft. They are the ones that are notorious for causing sexual side effects. But an equally effective drug, Wellbutrin, is much less likely to cause libido loss and other sexual side effects. You might ask your wife to try it.

But from what you've posted, I get the feeling that her libido loss may not be entirely the result of her depression and use of antidepressants. It seems to me she just might not be that into sex, or at least not into it as much as you are.

Before you get serious about an affair, I suggest that you consider sex therapy. Libido loss and severe desire differences are two of the top reasons couples consult sex therapists. Even if sex therapy doesn't work miracles for you guys, it can minimize the resentments you feel. If your wife won't go, I'd encourage you to consult a sex therapist by yourself. To find a sex therapist near you, visit www.aasect.org, the Am. Assoc. of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Use the map to find a sex therapist near you.

About an affair: The extent to which an affair is justified or not is a matter of hotly debated opinion. For some, sex outside of marriage is never justified no matter what. For others, it depends on the circumstances. And some TBDers are into alternative sexual styles--threesomes, polyamory, swinging, etc.--where nonmonogamy is fine as long as it doesn't violate the couple's ground rules. The real issue here is what YOU think is justified in YOUR life. If you want to be true to your wife, you can decide to continue doing what you've been doing. But if you want to find a lover, you can decide to do that. It's up to you.

It sounds like she's made her position quite clear. For whatever reason (and I agree it's probably not just the SSRI), she's not interested in sex, and doesn't want to be. Her unilateral decision to avoid sex has effectively ended your opportunities for partner sex with her.

So should you end your partner sex life, or look outside the relationship? It's up to you. Based on this info, I think you're perfectly justified in having other partners without her knowledge. But that's me. You have to figure out what you can live with. Personally, I would first tell your wife in no uncertain terms how important this issue is to you and what this may mean to your relationship.

Of course, she may be unwilling to allow an open relationship and still unwilling to give sexually. That puts you in a tough place. You love your wife and cherish your relationship, but you also value your sexuality and I'm sure resent the control she currently wields over its expression. I'd certainly suggest seeing a sex therapist together; and if she won't go, you should go anyway. It will help you figure out what you want to do and how to ultimately live with whatever you decide. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for your insight, JustKat. Changing meds is not operable because my wife doesn't think "old" people should need sex anymore. We used to watch TV in the same room until she started watching four hours of flipping houses and Suze Orman every night, in another room. I think you are right that an affair would not be like the intimate sex we used to have. I just feel like it's the beginning of the end without sex. But I have hesitated for three years now.

Exactly - the guilt, and would I be able to live with myself.

Correct, Erica - she has made her position clear and she is very strong-willed. You are right about being in a tough place. But I don't need to see a therapist - If I have an affair I am just going to say that Erica said it was OK!

The funny thing is, when she wanted to get married, I thought ahead to these years, and I thought that she would be able to keep up with me sexually since she was fourteen years younger than me. I thought that maybe when I was 75 or so and she was 62, then maybe our sex life would start to slow down. When she was young, she couldn't get enough of it. I must have wore it out.