Well, I'm wondering if she loves you, or is sexually attracted to you anymore.

Because you seem so lonely and bewildered with the current status of your relationship, it seems like a very appropriate time to seek joint counseling. Pay an expert to talk to, and help clarify you and your wife's issues and long-term expectations.

Can you get her full attention? Ask her to come sit on the couch with you. Turn off the TV. Tell her "We have got to talk." Once you have her full attention tell her exactly what you have said here. Every word. If she tries to interrupt, hold up your hand and say "Please let me finish." End this with "Something has got to change. I am desperate. I love you. I want our marriage to be different and better than it is now."

Listen to what ever she has to say. If she brushes you off, insist. "I don't think you heard how serious I am. If something doesn't change our marriage is in danger of ending."

Suggest holding one another close in bed every night or morning. Suggest marriage counseling. Suggest a weekend away. make some suggestions you feel will improve things and ask her for hers. Make her hear your pain as strongly as you have communicated it to us.

I'm all for the pre sex thing, but it sounds like she doesnt want to be bother, and she is just pushing you aside and If I were you I would just come right out and ask her is she seeing someone else,because it seems as thou she is getting her groove on with another UNLESS she has something that's on her mind, either way you should just ask her.

I agree - get your wife to sit and talk with you, get some professional counseling - what ever it takes. Have you ruled out a medical problem? You need to find out if there is something going on with your wife physically and/or emotionally. Glad to hear you are not considering an affair!

What are the goals she's asked you to attain? And why haven't you attained them?

Unfortunately, ONLY your wife knows the 'right thing to say or do', and apparently she isn't telling you (unless its your goals).

It sounds like she's doing her best to break you and/or your marriage and there's really not much you can do about it. Go to counseling (alone if you have to) and think about preserving your assets.

I agree with Isadora. Tell her how you feel, how desperate you feel. Beyond that, it sounds like you guys have some other issues, these goals your wife has asked you to attain. Could she be withholding affection because she's disappointed in or resentful of things between you? Counseling might help.

Sounds like me a year or so ago.

"I don't want to fool her or trick her I just want somebody to tell me the right thing to say or do so she will know I am trying and I love her and I need her."

The first thing to tell her is that you love her and that you need her.

And if you get no response, then the second thing to tell her is that she can go screw herself.

No, seriously. My wife abandoned my physically and sexually for two 18-month stretches. The slightest attempt on my part to cuddle with her was viewed as an extreme come-on, and immediately rejected! Cuddling! Rejected!

We TRIED counseling: I did all the "homework," while she did none. The counsellor agreed with me when I called to cancel all future sessions, "Your wife has to come to terms and overcome her depression first, before the two of you can hope to work anything out"

So, I eventually told my wife that I wanted a divorce. I made arrangements to see a mediator, and set the date for the first mediation. It woke my wife up.

But it only woke her up for a few months. After that, back down the slope of depression.

So, I threatened her with divorce again! And, again, for a few months, there was some improvement. And then...nothing.

We're now in the 4th or 5th threaten/recovery cycle. But she still does nothing to improve her overall depression. But, if I have to go the divorce route again, this time it's final (or so he says).

Best of luck. How many MORE years do you want to spend in this sort of dance. Once you're dead, you're dead. I had prostate cancer, and so far, 10 weeks after surgery, I remain impotent. Before surgery, I probably had sex with my wife no more than 5 times over 10 years. Now...

Tell her that you need to start dating other women. Tell her you're not accepting life as she is attempting to define it. Get ready to tell her goodbye. You really don't have to, nor should you (or anybody) have to put up with that sort of crap.

IMHO.

Do you want to see what depression looks like? I went away for a 10 day business trip (yes, I did...no jokes), and this is what I came home to: