Posted: May 15, 08 7:52pm
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 months, and I have lived with him about 3 of those months. Everything is splendid and perfect. He works, and I stay home and take care of everything on the home front. It is everything we have ever wanted. He has always dreamed about a girl who was smart, beautiful, wore glasses, loved video games, loved kids, an excellent cook, loved the same music as him, who he could bring any problem to and resolve it like two adults. Well, it is my very nature to be all of those things. I have never searched for anything specific, I just always knew that I wanted to stay at home with the kids and let my man do all the hard work, a hard working man is the biggest turn on to me.
Well there is one little problem. It is called pornography. And just like any other man, my boyfriend looks at it. And just like any others woman, I really dislike it. The only difference between me and most other here is I am still young, my body has not carried any children and been transformed by either age or motherhood. Everything about me is still young and fresh in all the right places. I have a raving libido, if he wants it he gets it. Doesn't matter if he wakes me up in the middle of the night for it, I'm ready to go.
Well I kinda knew he looked at pornography before I ever moved in, and I didn't like it very much, but I was okay with it because we only got to see each other on the weekends so I didn't fault him for needing a little relief when I wasn't around.
For the past three months I have whined and complained, brought upon argument after argument over it. I have threatened to break up with him because he told me if it came down to me or porn, he would chose me, and when I gave him that option he told me he was sorry he wasted my time and the door was right there. For the past three months this has gone on, and it breaks my heart because except for this one stupid minute problem, everything would be perfect.
He asks me time and time again why I let some meaningless pixels on a computer screen come between us, and I ask him time and time again why, if they're so meaningless, does he need to look at them anyways? He says it is just something cool to look at, and tried to put in terms I could understand, and for a few hours I was okay but then the feelings rushed back in, anger and disappointment. And not to push my religion on anyone, but to add to the understanding, I am also a Christian, and my belief is that of what is says in the bible, that those who look at another woman lustfully have already committed adultery and therefor, sinned, in their heart. He is Christian too, and says that when he looks at those girl he does not think about having sex with them, and that even if he did see something they were doing he liked, he thought about doing it with me, not them. And I realize I am being a little bit ridiculous, because its not like he ever masturbates to it, he just looks. The office door is always open when he is on the computer. Mostly I suppose he does not masturbate because he already gets that need filled by me, and the fact that we are trying for a baby and to do so would be a waste of potential offspring.
Well these past few days I have shut up about it. I have stopped looking for it on the computer, and something amazing happened. When he comes to lay down for the night with me, a special little friend of mine is actually happy to see me now! And these past few days, he has not looked at porn either. I was so happy, until this morning. I got a wild hair up my butt and decided to look and see if he REALLY had not been looking at porn... I did not really find porn.. but I found a picture of a porn star. She wasn't nude or anything, it was just of her face. Just when I was feeling like everything was splendid, and that I would be ok even if he did look at porn because he had proven to me that he did want me for me, and was happy with my body, I find this.
Why just of her face? Why not have her nude? I'm utterly confused. He also did not hide it, just left it in one of the usual picture photos. He knows I know this porn star well, I even know her name. Is this a test, to see if I will flip out again and have a porn-is-bad parade?
I want to be okay with it. I want to be able to say "It doesn't matter if he looks, they can't rub his feet, they can't bear his children and carry his name, they can't cook for him and drive him crazy behind closed bedroom doors." I don't want to understand it, because I know I never will, I just want to be okay with it. But it is oh so hard. I have tried looking at it with him, have tried looking at it myself. I even tried putting super-hot nude guy pictures in a new folder in my pictures, just to see if he would understand where I was coming from. I think he did, because the next day he held me and told me he understood how it made me feel.
Does anybody have any advice? How I can just get over it and move on, and just be happy? And I know he does plant stuff like that for me to find to see how I would react, he has done it before. How can I continue to be happy and love him, even if I did stop looking for it and ignored it, when deep in my heart of hearts, it hurts and stings and breaks my heart just to know that he does look? I just want to make him happy, but I also want to be happy too.
