Things will not change on their own. You know she is capable of changing certain behaviors since she did before. Unless you are willing to live like this until your kids are grown, you have to keep pushing for the changes you require and let her know that things are not as wonderful as she imagines. Changes MUST be made. You need to insist on counseling and insist that she see your unhappiness. Your silence does not serve either of you or your children who may well sense your unhappiness.

She sounds fine with the way things are. Things will only change if you tell her that they don't feel wonderful to you. I suggest another round of couple counseling.

From experience this reminds me of emotional inability to go deeper than the surface level. Some individuals can only go so far to express there true feelings.It is truly frustrating to not be able to communicate on the same level as your partner. There is the you, the partner and the relationship. Now how can progress happen with all 3 when one does not think there is a problem? Difficult to be sure however; not impossible. Depending on what changes occur or not. I am in awe of your staying power. The affair you had sounds to me like you went to get love where you could not find connection. Unfortunately, in my experience, pushing counseling on a partner who is not ready rebounds negatively. There is more of a reaction such as(defensive stone walling)for example than a response from deeper feelings or the connection the goal was to reach. It also confuses the heck out of the partner who thinks nothing is wrong! Which becomes more of a frustration for the partner who wishes growth and change.(It was suggested to me to work on myself and my perspective on the relationship, not to focus on my partner)OUCH! The fact that you are putting up bounderies is returning the same non responsiveness your wife has been giving you. But, I sence that you are protecting your self from the hurt. Could her behavior be something from her passed??? Dunno, 15 years is a true commitment to a relationship. I applaud your reaching out and feel for your loss of connection that is deserved and are working towards. I am sure this is also affecting your children as they are like sponges to negativity as well as the positive of course.

I wish you all the best and may you find the connection with your partner you are seeking.

When I mentioned putting up boundries I meant with friendships with other women so I don't stray into another affair looking for what I am missing in my marriage.

The problem with the changes from before it's almost as if she changes as a knee jerk reaction to the thought of the marriage ending, rather than making a conscience choice to make permanent changes to help the marriage forever.

I know counseling would probably be a good thing, but to get her to the same page is kinda tough. When I've mentioned it before she immediately jumps to the thoughts that i'm having another affair. Another issue with counseling was we did individual sessions and couples sessions and it seemed like started dominating the sessions and it became more about the stuff she needed to work on individually rather than marriage stuff, which both probably go hand in hand, but I felt left out and not able to speak my part.

Oops sorry Rush please accept my mis understanding.

with care