Pretty amazing that you guys have been together since you were 15. Clearly you have a deep connection. But now you're deep into a new stage of life, that of harried, overworked, frazzled married people. Tensions, frustrations, upsets, and stretches without sex are all part of that--unless you develop some new coping and communication skills. I suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor for a marital tune-up. I bet that would help.

It's time for a sit-down face-to-face talk. Tell him all the good things you like about him and point out the ways in which you show your love. Then also tell him what you need right now - his understanding of your pressures, for one. Ask him what's going on with his being too tired for love making. He may need a physical exam. You may only need some reassurance of his love. In any case, you two have to talk.

It is definitely time for the two of you to talk seriously about this. Justifiable or not (and by whose standards?), you are feeling frustrated and like you want to scream. Those are your feelings and they must be dealt with in the context of your relationship. Try to be clear about how you're feeling and what you want from him. A general, "I'm feeling frustrated" may be accurate, but it may just make him feel frustrated. If he won't have the serious talk with you, then I would suggest a counselor. Going together would be best. But if he won't go, going alone would also be better than nothing.

You are creating places for him to get a break. Where and when are your breaks?

As for sex, given the current frustration and stress in your lives, it is no wonder that you're not making the space for sex. Try working on some of the other issues and see if the sex picks up again. If it doesn't, then you can work on that problem.

Now that life has gotten in the way, for him the magic seems to have gone out of marriage. It is a shame because it sounds as if he has found the ideal partner for a lifetime experience.

I can imagine you feel very out on the edge right now. I don't know if you will be able to get through to your husband. He sounds very controlling when it comes to emotional issues. I am certain also that the situation is far from hopeless. He is probably squelching you because he feels helpless when you express strong feelings that are not in line with what he thinks he needs.

One suggestion, if you can't talk to him alone: Is there a member of your family or a pastor in your church you both trust who can serve as an intermediary so you can get your points heard?

First thing: Stop blaming yourself. It is not you. It may not be him either. Circumstances have changed the way the two of you relate and it is time to try to fix it before it gets worse.

Many years ago, there was a movie called "The Seven Year Itch" in which a formerly loving couple drew apart and became vulnerable losing their marriage. It had a happy ending in which they realized that there was no one in the world better for each of them than the other but it was shaky there for a while.

Motherhood has caused you to grow up faster than him. He takes his work seriously but thinks he can have time out with friends when you may need him. That's how a teenager thinks because each has nothing but the other and a few hours off makes love stronger. But when there are children, and the love light in the bedroom is on life support, it is time to get back to the basics that brought you together in the first place.

Find a way to help him to listen. You can't force him to listen but work on your communication skills and discover that you do not have to get angry or emotional if that doesn't work. Be your own lawyer and present your case with accuracy and with the purpose of strengthening your marriage. Engage his help rather than seeing him as the opposition.

Please let us know how it is going. You have our support even if we are not there in person to support you. God bless.

Hi Confused-I've been married for 41 years, and have the EXACT history as yours. It could have been me that wrote your story, except for the lack of sex, but that is only because mine was, and still is obsessed with it. Trust me, that is no bed of roses either. First-There is nothing wrong with you that some self confidence won't cure. Sounds to me like you have a very unbalanced relationship, you do all the work, he has an eight hour a day job. Does he help you out with anything at all, you didn't say. Your emotions are who you are, don't let anybody negate that. How you feel is important to you, therefore, it should be important to him. If not, ask yourself why. Does your emotional well being mean so little to him? I'd want to know. Seems this is the more important item in your life right now. As for counseling, I'll bet he would never do that. He knows he is wrong. Do you really think he wants that validated? Your best bet is to take a stand, and don't be afraid. He isn't going anywhere, he has a really good thing at home. If you display self respect and pride you will see results. Be a winner, and not a weener. There are comments, and/or events in one's life that are 'life altering'. For me, one of them was,'If you behave like a doormat, expect to get feet wiped all over you'. Trust me, the sex will come when the respect comes. Good luck.

I was a lot like him at that stage. I didn't like for my wife or our daughters to express emotions, I guess because of some stupid ideas of what I thought was right. And I absolutely refused marriage counseling. I said it was because of the cost and because we could work out our marriage without it, but it was really because I didn't want to have to be vulnerable and talk openly about myself. Now, after 31 year of marriage, my wife knows she can dump her feelings on me in whatever style she chooses, and I'll be strong enough to let her do it. Same with my daughters. We've had some counseling, and I think I dealt okay with the vulnerability and humility, and it helped. There wasn't just one thing that made the difference for me. I read some good books. I struggled a lot with how to talk with our daughters during the teen years. We hung around with other couples with good marriages. We talked about it, and argued about it, and at least part of the time I listened. And I know she was praying for me. The counseling came later, so I can't give as much credit to it, but I wish we'd done it a lot sooner. I guess the thing I want to say is not to give up. There's hope. I hope you don't give up. For me it took years and years, and I'm thankful my wife never gave up on me. Love him, argue with him, meet his needs, keep telling him what your needs are, be patient with him, pray for him. I know there is hope.