Hi

Are you new to tbd?

When he says that he is just not into it does he say it because he feels that he can't do"it"or because he can't do"it"

His response is typical of many men who lose their ability to sustain an erection. Deny there is a problem, hide under the pillow and turn away.

His reaction is also typical of someone who no longer has a passion for his spouse, but no desire to leave her.

There is no way to tell which it is - or something else totally.

Did you ask him directly? There are many ways to keep a woman's engine oiled and genital sex, as you know, is only one of many.

You need to decide what you choose to do about it. There are many choices short of tossing away over 40 years of marriage. There are shops that sell battery operated "husbands." All you have to remember is to have a fresh set of batteries available in case "he"he" fluffs out in the middle of things! Then, you could have the rest of your relationship with your husband. You can't force him to be huggy-kissy. Do you really want physical attention that is obtained at the point of a gun?

I hope that you can find your way through this situation. It is a difficult one. You may want to think about counseling, first alone and later with your spouse to deal first with your issues and feelings and then with your marriage as a couple.

Please read through the many other discussions on TBD of people in similar situations, where the spouse calls off sex unilaterally. Some leave, some take outside partners, some remain and stay miserable. If he's unwilling to see a sex therapist with you, I feel you are free to do whatever works best for you.

I agree with Isadora that you might benefit from reading threads that deal with marriages similar to yours. Beyond that, I'd urge you to consult a sex therapist. Ideally, the two of you would go. But if he won't, then go by yourself.

If the two of you go, the therapist will not lean on him to want sex more, or on you to want it less. The therapist will help both of you explain how you feel, and help you negotiate a solution that both of you can live with, either an agreed-upon sexual frequency, or something a little more out of the ordinary.

If you go by yourself, the therapist can still help you articulate how you feel, cope with things at home, and explore all your options.

To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists at www.aasect.org. Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.

Sweetie ~ MichaelCastleman gives good advice here. I do hope you take it - if you want to save your marriage.

Can you look back to when this 'problem' first started? What has changed in your relationship - or in your husband's health? There are many contributing factors that cause impotence. Don't take it personally - until you know all the facts. I'm not a professional - this is is just my opinion - from one woman to another...