Try discussing this with him when you are both calm and happy: "Sweetie, when you say X I feel put down. I really don't want you to say that to me any more." Or "When you say X next time, I am going to simply walk away rather than yell at you, but I feel sad and angry."

Rather than arguing about whether or not it was meant as a put down, simply inform him how you feel, what you want, and what you will do if it continues" Then there's nothing to argue about.

You call his comments put-downs. They are--to you. He doesn't see it that way, and you can't convince him otherwise. But you don't have to convince him. All you have to do is tell him how YOU feel. You feel put down. Say that a few times, then walk away. If he values the relationship, he'll take what you say to heart and mend his ways. It may take a while. It's already taken longer than you think it should. That's life. Tell him how you feel. Don't try to convince him you're right. It's not a question of right and wrong. It's simply a question of how you feel. Tell him. And keep telling him until he changes or until you get fed up and leave.

I think Michael hit the nail on the head. Regardless of what he meant, you feel put down. If he can't hear that you are hurt, maybe you have to make a decision as to whether you want to invest your life in someone who is insensitive to your feelings.

Sometimes, when a significant other does too much damage, you have to make him ... insignificant.

The fact that he is quick to throw the blame back on you does not bode well for any communications around the issue. He is starting to sound like one of those people who is often wrong but never in doubt!

Maybe you need to figure out how important this issue is to your life as half a significant couple and then take the steps you need to take to either resolve the problem or move on. If you accept that it is your problem, he doesn't have to change anything. That seems to be what he wants to accomplish.

9 of 10 emotional responses that you have to an external stimulus, either person or situation, are a reflection of yourself.

Therefore, look inside and see if the anger that your significant other seems to stir up in you, is in fact your own anger, which you have unknowingly disowned. Of course, this is not to suggest that this is not also the case for your significant other. Often, when we hold anger in like this, we will deliberately (and unconsciously) create situations for ourselves to vent, just so we can release it.

Of course when we do not deal with anger in a healthy way it just builds up again and is then released again. Maybe this is why most people say that arguments are a normal and useful aspect of relationship. From my personal experience and (conflict-free) marriage this is somewhat.. well... ridiculous. Perhaps it is that we enjoy suffering more than we care to admit.

I liked also Michael's suggestion, but you also have to ask how long is it going to take until you get fed-up and leave... and if you do eventually break free why should you think that my next relationship is not going to end just the same?

I say give him three chances (like Buddha did) or two (like Jesus) and then consider the door as a very valid option.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. Right now i am going to try to make it work by staying calm and blowing the crappy things he says and does off - and planning mentally and financially to make him my "insignificant" as you say if and when I need to. We have a child I have to think about as well, so I must be careful as to how i go about this. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks again!!

Wildflowergardener ..

1st .. I am too ..!! Lots-n-lots of wildflowers in my gardens !!

The above TBD'ers are pretty well informed folks ..they tend to comment with very good intentions and advice.

Now for my personal take on this .. if your significant other is "always" dropping "put down comments at you".. then he has a "very low opinion of you" and is mentally/emotionally abusing you !

The reason or cause of this, although important, is not the issue ! What he is doing "is the issue".

I would continue to ask him to stop. If he dosen't ..Then get rid of him because he will never change.

The next level of this abuse is "physical"..!

BadFrog

I'm having some of the same issues as above except.....it is with a long distance relationship. We communicate by phone. However, while we are talking he checks and sends emails. He says he is multi tasking but he doesn't hear what I'm talking about (we've joked about him NOT being able to multi task). I've spoken with him about this several times. So now when it happens I say to him that "you sound busy so I need to let you go", even though I would love to continue to talk. I don't want to be on the other end of the line listening to him type. Seems he may just want to hear my voice. Another issue I have is he will ask what I would like to do. Example: I'm going to visit him soon(he lives overseas). He asked where would you like to go...Australia, Cambodia or Vietnam? I replied Australia. He kept asking about Cambodia...are you sure you would not want to go there. My answer continues to be, no I really don't want to go there. Now he is making plans for us to go totally somewhere else. So he was discussing this with me and asked for my input on how long we should stay. I'm not sure why he ask me because in the end, it's what, where, and how he always wants it. Same thing with choosing a place for dinner. He asks me, I give him a suggestion and he says let's go here. So why does he even bother to ask my opinion. I've talked with him before about these things but still continues to happen. Would love a reply soon. I'm leaving next week to go visit him. By the way, we have dated for about 5 years, 2 while he lived in the states and then 3 while he has been working overseas.