Posted: Aug 26, 08 9:03am
I so hate having this disorder, I have learned to numb myself so i don't get hurt by anyone or anything, therefore, protecting myself from the low part that would come if I didn't. I just want to be normal "somehow". I hate having to take the med's. I asked if I would have to take them 4 the rest of my life, and was told "proooobably yea". I like the mania, because I can get things done, I don't feel so lethargic, or so down; I also feel like I'm able to get some things accomplished. But!!! After it's over, I'm worn out, and get upset because I may not have finshed something I might have started, then that brings me down. It doesn't help, when you have no one who is actually concerned about it with you. Some of your family knows about it, and that you have it, but pays not much of any mind to it or you about it. I once heard "because people can't see it, they can't see anything wrong with you", boy ain't that the truth.
I am alot better than I was,say..... a little over 10 years ago, I know the signs now, and know what to do, or not to do. I just want to stay on the happier side, I know there has to be something that can help to stay there. ALSO!!! with some people as myself, I think another catagory of Bi-Polar should be added, I feel there should be a label included as "Tri-Polar". I experience bouts of rage and severe anger, that leads to to resentment that I can't let go of; this has caused me some problems. While in that mood, out of anger and or the rage, I'm liable to do something because of that. For instance, I could file for divorce from my husband, and not even feel bad about it, and no remorse; until later on, then it's like "Oh no, what in the H*%ll have I done". My kids should hate me, from when they were little, because my tri-polar had control over me. I was such an awful person then, due to the rage and anger episodes.
I'm sorry I wrote so much, I'm new here. I have been on many different med's. but refuse to take any that will make me drowsy, and that have bad side effects, or that causes sexual problems. My husband rarely does anything anyways, and when he does, I don't want one of my med's, messing with that too
!!! I want to go to work, but due to a phobia that attatched itself to the chemiclal imbalance, I haven't been able to. I don't like leaving my house a whole bunch, for long periods of time. Geez, I just want to be as normal as I can, and to stay on the happier, more content side mostly. I take wellbutrin, neurontin, and a low dose of celexa. Right now I'm at a even level of things, tho' I have not many feelings towards anything or anybody either. I don't know how to get past that.
Thanks for listening, sorry for talking so long. Oh, by the way, there is a website for bi-polar; it's called RealMentalHealth.com . It's been kinda useful to me, because I have NO One to talk to about stuff, and I can talk about anything there :)
