It seems to me, having 2 over-18 children myself and 2 over 21 stepsons, you can tell them all day that you love them and care about them. It is their choice how they "take" the sentiment.

If they are near-perfect like my 26 year old son, they reward you by being a contributing member of society by working, paying their bills, having integrity and honesty. They keep their commitments. (Of course he was taught all this)

If they are like many others, who are hard-headed and resist authority, caving into their whims and bad behavior, while telling them you love them, to me, is a sign that as a parent, "you are tired and do not want to mess with them anymore". You feel you have done your duty as a parent. But they STILL haunt you with their bad behavior.

I believe the KEY is tough love. Let them hit rock bottom, no money, no home, no family to help them. To me, this is the only way to get their attention. Why let someone intrude on the quality of life you have worked for? If you have raised these people to the best of your ability, no abuse, provided love, care and upbringing, then you should have no regrets.

At some point, each one of us has to make a choice. I choose to force them to "see" and "change". I don't know what else to do.

I understand your point. I guess the reason I tell my kids I love them every night is that a year ago last July (right before my son's accident), we had another son - Justin - who went out with his cousin. They had a horrible accident and he died instantly. (He was a foster son - my son's age - but had been with us almost 4 years).

I just remember telling him - "you know you are my favorite, today anyway". I can't imagine how I would be handling it if the last thing I had said to him was in an argument.

The thing that scares me the most is some dont have a rock bottom to hit they keep falling till they die..I have tried both being an enambler and tuff love...Tuff love he only got worse...I'd rather help because at least he is still alive..I dont know how to stop being a parent and Im not saying it's the right thing to do but loving him and remembering who he use to be kept me always helping him..

Thanks, PamM. I'm glad to hear that your daughter has settled down,and is currently in a stable,good relationship. Also, I am sad to read of your son's accident, but it sounds like he still remains fairly independent, so that's also a blessing. To tbd pal,Doreen: I agree,that tough love doesn't work with everyone, and that loving our kids unconditionally is very important.

Once you are a parent, it's yours for life. No matter what your kids do, you can't give it up.

when my kids were growning up, my favorite saying and the one that they remember and repeat back is:

I will love you forever - I don't have to like the crap you're doing, but I will never stop loving you.

My kids could never do anything that would make me stop loving them - but I'm their parent, which means I don't have to be their friend.

Technically our family has stepchildren but we've never treated the kids as anything but "ours." We have three boys who are now adults and parents themselves. In spite of our mistakes during their childhoods, they survived and turned out to be responsible citizens and great parents. They are comfortable with us telling them that we love them, and they tell us that they love us too.

We also have a daughter that we didn't know about until she was 23. We only get to see her once or twice a year because of where she lives, so our relationship with her isn't nearly as strong. She's the one who lives a lifestyle that we disagree with, but we feel very limited in offering any advice since we weren't there for her when she was growing up.

Once more, we still love her, but we don't like some of the choices she has made. She will be 30 this year, and we are still working on the parent-child relationship.

Well I'll tell ya ..I will always be a parent but now Im beginning to stop Parenting...I did that and should have been completed by age 18...This is what I do and its totally wrong....I have to let them fail no matter how much it hurts or scares me..They are men..(27 & 28)...And if they havnt learned by now..They never will but I guess if they start having to be responsible for their actions..Then maybe my grown up children will grow up...