Groups > Sage Sisters

Join Group

Group admin:: JuliThompson
Created:: May 24, 2008
: 91 Members

Group Tags:

mental health, Health, Body & Mind, humor, real life scripts

Member Kudos

Helpful (382)
Funny (28)
Inspirational (363)

Discussion Board > View Discussion

to start a discussion

Mothers and Daughters

Posted: Jul 18, 08 5:48am

Those of you with daughters, how different is your relationship with your daughter than the one with your mother? Or is it not really very different at all?

Have you tried to do some things differently with your daughter so as to avoid some of the hurts you needed to heal from? As the years have gone by, what have you seen happen with your daughter that comes from mistakes you made, despite your best efforts to not make mistakes?

A friend said to me once, "I won't make the same mistakes with my daughter as my mother did with me, but I will make mistakes of my own."

I think of this now because it suddenly became clear to me that my daughter, intelligent, talented, and beautiful, has little or no confidence in herself! And here she is, poised on the edge of the nest and ready to fly off to a competitive college smack in the middle of a major city! I think to myself, How can I teach her confidence now? Why didn't I notice this sooner?

(Especially since I myself have only learned confidence the hard way, through decades of struggle. I guess, sometimes, we can't teach what we don't have ourselves.)

And sometimes when I discuss my worries with her, in an attempt at constructive dialogue, she says things like, "Well, I will be leaving soon, and then you won't have to worry about me at all....."

Yeah, right, as if mothers ever stop worrying!

But also it flashes me back to this time in my young life, when my mother, a narcissistic alcoholic and emotional teenager herself, would tell me how much she hated me and how she could not wait for me to leave.

I made different mistakes, but I made them nonetheless. How about you? What do you see in your own self, as a daughter and as a mother to a daughter?

Tags:

Relationships, mental health, parenting, mothers, daughters, mothers and daughters, mistakes made, triumphs and joys, life is really something, isnt it?

Give kudos

EMAIL THIS

17 Comments // 10 Members

Heather523

Posted: Jul 18, 08 6:15am

I can relate completely. I have three daughters...16, 19, and 21. Thankfully, they are wonderful girls and have made really good choices so far (knock on wood)...lol. But I understand how you feel....I worry about everything: did I teach them this, do they realize that....finally, I came to this conclusion: You do the best you can with your girls. Parenting is a "learned skill"...I think you get better at it the more you do it. There comes a point in your children's lives that you just have to say: "I did my best"....AND give the the freedom to "fly" - trusting that you have instilled in them everything that they need to know to go out there and make mistakes, have successes - learn and grow as a human being.

Give kudos

Durqu

Posted: Jul 20, 08 8:33am

I've read this several times, started comments and then canceled. For me this is a delicate subject, especially it seems lately.

As you said, RoseBear, how can we teach what we don't know. That's been my dilemma. So many things I didn't know.

My relationship with my daughter(30) is different than the one I had with my mother - I have told and tell my daughter every chance I get that I love her. That is something my mother had difficulty saying. The night before she slipped into a coma, just before I was leaving the hospital, I said "I love you mom". She said, "Me too". I said "Pardon, I didn't hear you." She said "Yea, me too". So, I repeated "Pardon". Then she said, "I love you too".

But did telling my daughter that I love her make a difference? I honestly don't know, she says it does and did. There were just so many other things I didn't know how to teach her - self-confidence; self-esteem; how to enjoy life; how to face the fear and do it anyway; how to feel empowered - the list goes on.

One of the biggest things I also felt I didn't want my kids exposed to was the fighting - especially the abusive street fighting - name calling and dragging things up from the past. So, I left their father when they were 3 and 1 years old. I remarried two years later. They both, when I ask them, can't remember hearing us fight, especially the name calling.

Unfortunately, when my daughter started adolescence, I was in the throes of figuring out who the h*ll I was - doing the co-dependence dance with my mother - still allowing my ex to pull too many strings - trying to create a life for her that was different from my childhood - that I dropped the ball many times.

I'm sorry for this being so heavy - I'm not even sure if I'll hit the submit at this point. I guess for me is when I look at the choices my daughter has made in her life, I some days feel like I failed her in so many ways. I have to constantly remind myself - sometimes without success - that I did the best I knew how to do, and I wasn't the only influence in her life - my mother and her father, as well as so many others - also played a part.

Thank you for starting this discussion, maybe by hearing other's stories, I'll not feel quite so alone. Maybe too, one of these days, I'll forgive myself.

Take care,

Deb

I've read this several times, started comments and then canceled. For me this is a delicate subject, especially it seems lately. As you said, RoseBear, how can we teach what we don't know. That's been my dilemma. So many things I didn't know. My relationship with my daughter(30) is different than the one I had with my mother - I have told and tell my daughter every chance I get that I love her. That is something my mother had difficulty saying. The night before she slipped into a coma, just before I was leaving the hospital, I said "I love you mom". She said, "Me too". I said "Pardon, I didn't hear you." She said "Yea, me too". So, I repeated "Pardon". Then she said, "I love you too". But did telling my daughter that I love her make a difference? I honestly don't know, she says it does and did. There were just so many other things I didn't know how to teach her - self-confidence; self-esteem; how to enjoy life; how to face the fear and do it anyway; how to feel empowered - the list goes on. One of the biggest things I also felt I didn't want my kids exposed to was the fighting - especially the abusive street fighting - name calling and dragging things up from the past. So, I left their father when they were 3 and 1 years old. I remarried two years later. They both, when I ask them, can't remember hearing us fight, especially the name calling. Unfortunately, when my daughter started adolescence, I was in the throes of figuring out who the h*ll I was - doing the co-dependence dance with my mother - still allowing my ex to pull too many strings - trying to create a life for her that was different from my childhood - that I dropped the ball many times. I'm sorry for this being so heavy - I'm not even sure if I'll hit the submit at this point. I guess for me is when I look at the choices my daughter has made in her life, I some days feel like I failed her in so many ways. I have to constantly remind myself - sometimes without success - that I did the best I knew how to do, and I wasn't the only influence in her life - my mother and her father, as well as so many others - also played a part. Thank you for starting this discussion, maybe by hearing other's stories, I'll not feel quite so alone. Maybe too, one of these days, I'll forgive myself. Take care, Deb

Give kudos

Posted: Jul 20, 08 8:33am

Comment

spell check

I've read this several times, started comments and then canceled.  For me this is a delicate subject, especially it seems lately.

As you said, RoseBear, how can we teach what we don't know. That's been my dilemma.  So many things I didn't know.

My relationship with my daughter(30) is different than the one I had with my mother - I have told and tell my daughter every chance I get that I love her.  That is something my mother had difficulty saying.  The night before she slipped into a coma, just before I was leaving the hospital, I said "I love you mom".  She said, "Me too".  I said "Pardon, I didn't hear you."  She said "Yea, me too".  So, I repeated "Pardon".  Then she said, "I love you too".

But did telling my daughter that I love her make a difference?  I honestly don't know, she says it does and did.  There were just so many other things I didn't know how to teach her - self-confidence; self-esteem; how to enjoy life; how to face the fear and do it anyway; how to feel empowered - the list goes on.

One of the biggest things I also felt I didn't want my kids exposed to was the fighting - especially the abusive street fighting - name calling and dragging things up from the past.  So, I left their father when they were 3 and 1 years old.  I remarried two years later.  They both, when I ask them, can't remember hearing us fight, especially the name calling.

Unfortunately, when my daughter started adolescence, I was in the throes of figuring out who the h*ll I was - doing the co-dependence dance with my mother - still allowing my ex to pull too many strings - trying to create a life for her that was different from my childhood - that I dropped the ball many times.

I'm sorry for this being so heavy - I'm not even sure if I'll hit the submit at this point.  I guess for me is when I look at the choices my daughter has made in her life, I some days feel like I failed her in so many ways.  I have to constantly remind myself - sometimes without success - that I did the best I knew how to do, and I wasn't the only influence in her life - my mother and her father, as well as so many others - also played a part.

Thank you for starting this discussion, maybe by hearing other's stories, I'll not feel quite so alone.  Maybe too, one of these days, I'll forgive myself.

Take care,
Deb

Alert me when someone comments on this discussion.

RoseBear

Posted: Jul 20, 08 9:58am

well, deb, thanks for putting all that out there. i can say that what has hit me lately is things i thought i was doing right my daughter sees as me doing wrong.

for example. my mother used to suspect me of doing terrible things, and i wasnt. she used to snoop through my stuff looking for evidence i was doing bad stuff, and i wasnt. but after a few years of that, i thought, why not do bad things? she expects it of me. and by then i had gotten really good at being sneaky (since i lived with a snoop).

so with my daughter, i respected her space. i made this rule with her--when you want to go somewhere, just tell me where you are going and who you will be with. i wont tell you you cant go. just let me know where you are, so that if, God forbid, something happens to you, it wont come as a complete surprise to me--at least--that that is where you are and who you are with.

when her friends made this quantum growth leap the end of their junior year, and it was suddenly clear they were driving and sexual and using whatever, i made her promise she would not get into a car with any driver under the influence of anything. i explained that they were all new drivers and being under the influence would just make their inexperience worse. i told her it was because i cared about her and wanted her to be safe.

now, i know i cant know what she was actually up to. and sometimes when her story did not quite jibe, i questioned her a bit deeper, and voiced my suspicions to her. but like me as a teen, maybe like lots and lots of teens, she was good at sneaking around--even with my open and liberal rules. i thought i was encouraging honesty by keeping communication open and fairly non-judgmental. i found out later that she was doing stuff i would not have liked, but that was natural for teens to be doing. she is a good kid, by and large, not a problem kid. i think she has a good head on her shoulders. but not all of her friends do.

one day when i suspected she was lying, and questioned her further, she blurted out: You only think i am lying when i tell the truth. she said that in a satisfied way, as if to imply i was such an ass who just didnt get it.

she then went on to imply that since i was not a snooping, suspicious mother, that i did not care about her!!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so, what are we to do? the best we can. and when it turns around and bites us in the ass? lesson learned, i guess. cross our fingers and hope for the best.

well, deb, thanks for putting all that out there. i can say that what has hit me lately is things i thought i was doing right my daughter sees as me doing wrong. for example. my mother used to suspect me of doing terrible things, and i wasnt. she used to snoop through my stuff looking for evidence i was doing bad stuff, and i wasnt. but after a few years of that, i thought, why not do bad things? she expects it of me. and by then i had gotten really good at being sneaky (since i lived with a snoop). so with my daughter, i respected her space. i made this rule with her--when you want to go somewhere, just tell me where you are going and who you will be with. i wont tell you you cant go. just let me know where you are, so that if, God forbid, something happens to you, it wont come as a complete surprise to me--at least--that that is where you are and who you are with. when her friends made this quantum growth leap the end of their junior year, and it was suddenly clear they were driving and sexual and using whatever, i made her promise she would not get into a car with any driver under the influence of anything. i explained that they were all new drivers and being under the influence would just make their inexperience worse. i told her it was because i cared about her and wanted her to be safe. now, i know i cant know what she was actually up to. and sometimes when her story did not quite jibe, i questioned her a bit deeper, and voiced my suspicions to her. but like me as a teen, maybe like lots and lots of teens, she was good at sneaking around--even with my open and liberal rules. i thought i was encouraging honesty by keeping communication open and fairly non-judgmental. i found out later that she was doing stuff i would not have liked, but that was natural for teens to be doing. she is a good kid, by and large, not a problem kid. i think she has a good head on her shoulders. but not all of her friends do. one day when i suspected she was lying, and questioned her further, she blurted out: You only think i am lying when i tell the truth. she said that in a satisfied way, as if to imply i was such an ass who just didnt get it. she then went on to imply that since i was not a snooping, suspicious mother, that i did not care about her!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so, what are we to do? the best we can. and when it turns around and bites us in the ass? lesson learned, i guess. cross our fingers and hope for the best.

Give kudos

Posted: Jul 20, 08 9:58am

Comment

spell check

well, deb, thanks for putting all that out there.  i can say that what has hit me lately is things i thought i was doing right my daughter sees as me doing wrong.

for example.  my mother used to suspect me of doing terrible things, and i wasnt.  she used to snoop through my stuff looking for evidence i was doing bad stuff, and i wasnt.  but after a few years of that, i thought, why not do bad things?  she expects it of me.  and by then i had gotten really good at being sneaky (since i lived with a snoop).

so with my daughter, i respected her space.  i made this rule with her--when you want to go somewhere, just tell me where you are going and who you will be with.  i wont tell you you cant go.  just let me know where you are, so that if, God forbid, something happens to you, it wont come as a complete surprise to me--at least--that that is where you are and who you are with.

when her friends made this quantum growth leap the end of their junior year, and it was suddenly clear they were driving and sexual and using whatever, i made her promise she would not get into a car with any driver under the influence of anything.  i explained that they were all new drivers and being under the influence would just make their inexperience worse.  i told her it was because i cared about her and wanted her to be safe.

now, i know i cant know what she was actually up to.  and sometimes when her story did not quite jibe, i questioned her a bit deeper, and voiced my suspicions to her.  but like me as a teen, maybe like lots and lots of teens, she was good at sneaking around--even with my open and liberal rules. i thought i was encouraging honesty by keeping communication open and fairly non-judgmental.  i found out later that she was doing stuff i would not have liked, but that was natural for teens to be doing.  she is a good kid, by and large, not a problem kid.  i think she has a good head on her shoulders.  but not all of her friends do.

one day when i suspected she was lying, and questioned her further, she blurted out: You only think i am lying when i tell the truth.  she said that in a satisfied way, as if to imply i was such an ass who just didnt get it.

she then went on to imply that since i was not a snooping, suspicious mother, that i did not care about her!!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so, what are we to do?  the best we can.  and when it turns around and bites us in the ass?  lesson learned, i guess.  cross our fingers and hope for the best.

Alert me when someone comments on this discussion.

Durqu

Posted: Jul 20, 08 12:18pm

RoseBear wrote:

i can say that what has hit me lately is things i thought i was doing right my daughter sees as me doing wrong.

I wonder if that because our childhoods were so full of issues, that when we have kids there are just too many things to factor in as to how to parent effectively?

I still believe that if one feels loved and accepted that in your daughter's case, that will carry her through.

Again, I hope it wasn't too heavy. I try not to dwell too much these days. I have in the past spent a lot of times trying to reflect on life, hoping to find the 'key' as to what could be an answer.

It's interesting how life unfolds - I had just finished reading your post and about to reply and in comes my daughter with her oldest son. So we visited for a bit and it was good. That is the one thing I keep holding on to - her & I are very close. I do love her unconditionally, but my heart hurts because of her pain.

Your mother sounds like mine - always believing the worst about me. I tried to keep the channels of communication open with my kids. What I am learning now from her is that she never saw me show my vulnerability. She says she never saw the work I did behind the scenes - all the tears, journals, reading, counseling, long talks with my hubby. She also didn't know half of what went on between my mother & I, and how she treated me.

One of the areas that was difficult for me - I grew up way too fast, by the time I was 14 - my social life consisted of my parents - my extended family and friends of theirs - people were from 2 years & up older than me. So, I didn't have the 'carefree teenage' time, I didn't have a clue what was 'normal' behaviour.

Take care,

Deb

Give kudos

RoseBear

Posted: Jul 20, 08 12:56pm

oh, yes, deb.

what i see in my life is a study of opposites. my mother acted like a child, so i was a little grown up. and when my daughter and i were on our own, i sheltered her from hardship as much as i could so that she wouldnt be like me--so that she would get to be a kid. and now that she is 17, she still thinks i can do everything, because i always have. always the strong one, taking care of it all.

lately i have begun to clue her in on some reality. she doesnt always like it, but she is beginning to get it, and is beginning, in her way, to take more responsibility around here.

whereas with my mother, all i wanted was out. and out was where i got and i have stayed away. she takes and takes. i hope my daughter and i have more balance. i think we do,

we have never had the horrible, hurtful scenes that were a way of life with my mother and me. i do not talk to her that way, and when she tries to do that with me--which is rarely--i simply do not participate.

my mother, on the other hand, would love to continue to dredge up the past and pick all the scabs and fling all the hurts. it is as if she has never grown or even tried to be healthy.

Give kudos

powergirl

Posted: Aug 3, 08 5:31pm

I want first to thanks PamelaGordon for inviting me to this group and Rose for starting this discussion. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My daughter is back home until the end of August and it is only the tow of us. So we have a lot of time lately to be together and talk.

I tried to take a lot from the way my mother raised me. I could tell everything to my mother and she would never hold it against me. She trusted me and I was allowed to go when ever and where ever I wanted to. There was only one rule, she had to know where I am, when I am coming home and phone number to get it touch. This is rule in my home and everyone is subject to it, Even I.

There was only one problem, it was she told me that I am ugly. I was may be 10 when she told me the first time and after that she said it few times, telling me that I am ugly and will not be able to get married and have husband to take care of me so I need to study harder to be able to get good profession and support my self.

As you guess, I did not have too much confidence. But she thought me that I don't have to depend on anyone but my self and this is the best lesson I have learned from her.

My mistake with my daughter was that I tried to build more confidence by repeating how beautiful she is. She does not care how she looks, she knows she is beautiful and does not put too much effort into her appearance. She gained a lot of weight in college and now she is struggling with it, she is beginning to have some health problems, her knees hurts, her back hurts, she has high blood pressure and she is only 22.

I know that this was my mistake and now I am trying to encourage her to start loosing weight and I am seeing her loosing her confidence as a woman.

There is another mistake I did and I don't know how or when it happened, But my daughter does not want children, she told me that she will take care of her brothers kids, or she may adopt, but will never have kids on her own, and I don't know what mistake I made for her to think this way.

I want first to thanks PamelaGordon for inviting me to this group and Rose for starting this discussion. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My daughter is back home until the end of August and it is only the tow of us. So we have a lot of time lately to be together and talk. I tried to take a lot from the way my mother raised me. I could tell everything to my mother and she would never hold it against me. She trusted me and I was allowed to go when ever and where ever I wanted to. There was only one rule, she had to know where I am, when I am coming home and phone number to get it touch. This is rule in my home and everyone is subject to it, Even I. There was only one problem, it was she told me that I am ugly. I was may be 10 when she told me the first time and after that she said it few times, telling me that I am ugly and will not be able to get married and have husband to take care of me so I need to study harder to be able to get good profession and support my self. As you guess, I did not have too much confidence. But she thought me that I don't have to depend on anyone but my self and this is the best lesson I have learned from her. My mistake with my daughter was that I tried to build more confidence by repeating how beautiful she is. She does not care how she looks, she knows she is beautiful and does not put too much effort into her appearance. She gained a lot of weight in college and now she is struggling with it, she is beginning to have some health problems, her knees hurts, her back hurts, she has high blood pressure and she is only 22. I know that this was my mistake and now I am trying to encourage her to start loosing weight and I am seeing her loosing her confidence as a woman. There is another mistake I did and I don't know how or when it happened, But my daughter does not want children, she told me that she will take care of her brothers kids, or she may adopt, but will never have kids on her own, and I don't know what mistake I made for her to think this way.

Give kudos

Posted: Aug 3, 08 5:31pm

Comment

spell check

I want first to thanks PamelaGordon for inviting me to this group and Rose for starting this discussion. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My daughter is back home until the end of August and it is only the tow of us. So we have a lot of time lately to be together and talk.
I tried to take a lot from the way my mother raised me. I could tell everything to my mother and she would never hold it against me. She trusted me and I was allowed to go when ever and where ever I wanted to. There was only one rule, she had to know where I am, when I am coming home and phone number to get it touch. This is rule in my home and everyone is subject to it, Even I.
There was only one problem, it was she told me that I am ugly. I was may be 10 when she told me the first time and after that she said it few times, telling me that I am ugly and will not be able to get married and have husband to take care of me so I need to study harder to be able to get good profession and support my self.
   As you guess, I did not have too much confidence.  But she thought me that I don't have to depend on anyone but my self and this is the best lesson I have learned from her.
   My mistake with my daughter was that I tried to build more confidence by repeating how beautiful she is. She does not care how she looks, she knows she is beautiful and does not put too much effort into her appearance. She gained a lot of weight in college and now she is struggling with it, she is beginning to have some health problems, her knees hurts, her back hurts, she has high blood pressure and she is only 22.
I know that this was my mistake and now I am trying to encourage her to start loosing weight and I am seeing her loosing her confidence as a woman. 
        There is another mistake I did and I don't know how or when it happened, But my daughter does not want children, she told me that she will take care of her brothers kids, or she may adopt, but will never have kids on her own, and I don't know what mistake I made for her to think this way.

Alert me when someone comments on this discussion.

PatriciaWise

Posted: Aug 3, 08 6:13pm

First off Pamela thanks for inviting me to this wonderful group.

As of this date my mom has not ever said she loved me ever, we even had a talk about this and she told me she didnt think I deserve it and that when she was growing up her mom and dad never showed any kind of love towards her and her brothers and sister.To me I have always felt I could never do anything right for my mom, I could give her everything I can still and its never good enough or not right.

So when it comes to my girls, I tell them everyday how much I love them and before they go to bed at night all my children are giving kisses and hugs.

My girls will and do make mistakes, but we just look at them, and either laugh or cry.My oldest daughter is 18 youngest daughter will be 9 in a couple weeks,I want my daughters to know that they can do anything they want to in there lifetime, and they will get their hearts broken but that mom will be there anytime.

Give kudos