I am going through this experience right now, although I'm a little farther down the path than you are. My husband died just over a year ago, at the age of 46. It was very sudden, a heart attack while swimming at the YMCA.

It's tough coming to terms with it, and for you it's still very fresh. My therapist liked to use the term "the new normal" - you aren't going to have the life you knew, but the one you have now will start feeling like normal again.

Don't make any major changes in your life for at least a year, unless your finances demand it. Don't move, don't change jobs. Continue to hang out with the same friends you did before - these are people who knew your husband and will be willing to share memories with you. For me it was very comforting to talk to people who had known my husband.

Sometimes the grief will simply take you. Let it. There were times when I barely made it through my door before falling apart. I had afternoons where I literally sat on my couch and howled. Sometimes it hurts so much that howling is the only thing that helps. But the grief is normal and good and appropriate, so try not to fight it.

When the time comes for you to move into a new phase of your life, you'll know. When I was where you are now, my therapist reminded me to not look so far into the future. Concentrate on where you are now, on how you're feeling and what you can do to nurture yourself now. The future will come and you'll be able to manage it when it does.

I'm always here. I'll help you any way I can.

Katherine, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. What a shock that must have been. At least I knew mine wasn't going to make it--it was simply a matter of when he would go, and that came awfully soon.

I had thought I would move right away, because I know I can't keep this house and the acreage up. However, I do have the money to hire people to help, so I've decided to stay put for awhile. I love where I live!

I am retired, so I do have time on my hands, but I'm devising ways of filling it, including helping home-school my neighbors' darling nine-year-old twins, whom I absolutely adore.

I also have some traveling plans. I've already visited my daughter in California, and my son in Florida has invited both of us to come there for Christmas. I also have an invitation to go to my stepson's in Phoenix, and to a friend's home there as well. All those sound like good places to be in the winter when it's pretty bleak here. :)

Thank you again for your many good insights.

Tatum

My wife of 30 years went to be with the Lord six months ago after a cancer diagnosis 7 years ago. I will be looking for answers to those questions, and thought TBD was a more mature platform than others to get feedback.

I am in the middle of raising my children; the youngest is 11. They are my priority, and I am continuing to raise them to:

1) Follow hard after Christ, and

2) Keep their focus on things above.

I have heard that the death of a spouse is like being thrown from an airplane. Opening the chute (dealing with issues) gives some direction and control. Well, that's true, but I just think that it's not down that I am aiming for!

The last half of my life's book just got ripped out, and this was not supposed to be how it ended! There are still lots of blank pages to fill out... I just lost the Table of Contents past page 53!

I am looking forward to being part of this group.

You have quite a lot on your plate right now, don't you! How many children did you and your wife have? Being a single father must certainly be a challenge...perhaps even more than single motherhood would be. (My children are all grown and gone. That's hard, too!)

It sounds like you are on the right track. I'm not a religious person, but I can understand how, if you are, your faith would help you every single day.

Welcome to our little group!

Tatum

Thanks, Tatum,

I didn't know to reply directly to you personally (which I would MUCH rather do), or reply here in public.

I would never classify myself as religious, but I would definitely classify myself as having a relationship with God. And that is a very large difference. It isn't that it helps me every single day, it helps me every single moment, as it is who I am!

I have five wonderful children. They are exceptionally bright and gifted, talented, and accomplished. All of which they got from their mother! There is nothing hard about raising them, even home schooling them! I know what hard is because I taught public Jr High school before I married - 30 kids in a class, six classes a day! No, raising my children is a delight and a joy!

But, they cannot and do not fulfill the role my wife did. And, that is the challenge. I do need friendship, which is the reason I am specifically at TeeBeeDee. But, for my children's sake, I do not need to be involved in a "relationship." They have lost their mother, and do not need additional stress coping with whatever a relationship would bring.

Besides which, there would never be someone who would measure up to my wife. Isn't that the way it always seems to work out? (Some of the grief books speak of "elevating a spouse to some higher plane" after a loss. In my case, my wife was already on that higher plane!)

I do appreciate your friendship, and look forward to discussing the issues that are challenging, hoping to be able to serve others and the community as we become whole again.

Thanks again,

Roger

A year ago my husband thought he had a bad case of the flu... it was a brain tumor instead...he died Christmas morning. He was 56. We had been married 18 years. He completed me. The first two months I was curled up on the couch in the fetal position. The only thing that kept me moving was our two dogs...It was a good day when I showered.

In March, I was angry -- not at my husband for dying (though I did have some words with God about his Christmas morning timing)...I was angry with insurance companies and doctors and bills from physicians I had never heard of and for proceedures that I didn't remember taking place...this anger distracted me from my grief, but handling all of the piles of paperwork and the hours on the phone by myself made me feel even more alone.

Because he got sick so suddenly and because when he did get sick, couldn't remember things, I was left with hundreds of unanswered questions. We were very close but we were both busy professionals who divied up the household responsibilities.

Keith had taken care of our finances for the past 10 years...I was left not knowing bank passwords...where safe deposit keys were kept...he had forgotten to file our taxes before he got sick (apparently his memory had been lapsing for several months prior to us knowing). I didn't know how to run the pool pump or how to take care of the pool chemicals..I started collecting keys in a box -- I didn't know what they unlocked...you get the picture. We just don't think about all the things we need to share with each other. I got thru all that....well, let's say I am still working on it..:>D

I knew I needed to "find my give-a-damn" so, in April I did the one thing that always made me feel better -- digging in the dirt!...I have just about completely re-landscaped our property this year..but it worked.

That is not to say that I don't have bad patches...I just went through 3 months worth (My birthday (alone), his birthday, and our wedding anniversary)..I think the wedding anniversary won for bad days!...but, I managed to fight to the surface and find my "give-a-damn" again, so I am OK..for now..:>D

Our friends aren't sure what to say to me so most have stayed quiet and away...though some are starting to check on me now -- but it's different-- it almost feels like they are checking on a dear widowed aunt...not an old friend..I don't know...maybe that will get better too.

Actually, I would like to reply to your October 10th posting where you talked about your wife being on a higher plane...It seems a lot of people have trouble understanding about losing a spouse who was everything to you ...they think you are exaggerating or "elevating their status"...

But some of us are blessed enough to have found our true love -- our best friend -- our heart, our head and our soul -- something that most people will not experience in their lifetime.

I had a doctor recently say to me, " I can understand you grieving for your husband for 3-6 months but that should be enough!" My first thought was to slap her...but my second thought was to pity her, for she had no comprehension of how happy two people could be in life and how hard it was to be separated in death.