Since she is your friend talk to her. Ask her these questions. I would be willing to bet she did not "date" but became involved with someone already in her work or social circle. That's often how it's done.

Of course you can't visualize a new life partner. Life partner = former husband. All you need do is be open to the possibility of loving again and, when you are ready, let those around you know by becoming more social and sociable. Give dinner parties, for instance, for a mix of friends and acquaintances. Live a full and active life with your eyes open only to possibilities of every kind.

I did ask her about where she met him, and it was in a bereavement group. And more power to her, because I want her happy. I never did the group thing, but went to a grief counselor on an individual basis.

I'm working on opening myself to possibilities. I'm getting involved with a singles group even though it feels really different right now. I guess I'm not even sure that I'll recognize a possible life partner even if he's standing right in front of me.

I wonder if some of your question "Why can she move on and I can't?" has to do with the nature of your loss? Your husband died young and without warning. I'm certainly no authority on these things, but it seems to me that his death was more of a shock than that of your friend's husband.

Katherine, what you are feeling is completely "normal". I was far from ready to date at 1 year, let alone be in a relationship that was working towards marriage. It was around 2 1/2 years that I even became interested in the possiblity of dating and then, it really frightened me. What I learned at that time was, I was still very much alive and I could feel. I just wasn't sure what I wanted to do about it. Eventually, I got to the point that I do feel something is very much missing in my life, even though I am very content.

Hi Katherine,

I know what you're talking about (remember my sister's husband died just over a year ago?) she's going through the same thing. The difference for her is that she helped her husband die over the course of 6 weeks (he had cancer). It was a curse but also a blessing because they were able to really talk about all the hard subjects... like this. He told her he wanted her to move on and meet another man and fall in love again. In fighting his illness he discovered that the only thing that matters is living the happiest life you can… that time is short… that there are no guarantees for the future.

Easier said than done, of course. But I wonder if you need that sort of conversation with your husband.

I lost my father when I was young, but I write letters to him when I feel like I need to talk to him. Sounds a bit crazy, but as I’m writing I seem to know what he’d say back to me. Maybe it’s my imagination, but it helps.

p.s. my sister hasn't "moved on" either...

Katherine,

You and I are in similar situations. My husband passed away last July after an extended illness with lung cancer (6 yrs). Out of curiosity, I visited eharmony and filled out a profile to see what type of man they would pair me with. I wasn't prepared for anyone to respond. It took several more months of pondering the matches before I really looked at it more seriously. I did venture out on a couple of "meetings", and although one of them was a nice enough guy, it felt flat without dimension. The other was clearly not for me, too much physical pressure.

I'm taking a break from dealing with these match sites for now. I think that if I fill my free time with activities that I want to do, I might have a better time. At least it will be something that I want to do. If I meet someone OK, but if I don't that's OK too.

Truely, the best thing for me right now would be to find a male friend with which to do things with. I'm not ready for that physical thing. Too wierd yet. Ideally, it would be great to find a fellow widower to do stuff with as a friend. In the meantime, I've joined a prayer group. I'd also like to learn spanish, paint, learn ballroom dancing. My "bucket list" gets longer and longer. So now all I need is time and/or money.

Hospice contacted me as part of their follow up and reinforced that everyone moves on at their own pace. There is no one size fits all for griefing. I believe that. When you are ready, you will know. Don't try to force anything upon yourself. The companionship that was once so comfortable took a lot of time to evolve even though it's hard to remember a time when you weren't that close. We all would enjoy the warm touch, the cuddling, just knowing that we were there for one another, but that didn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen with strangers. It happens with friends. So open yourself to new friendships and see where it takes you. If for nothing else, you will start to enjoy your life again. Love strikes only when you're not looking for it. Relax, enjoy being you!

I did not lost my husband like you did but through a divorce, thus if you say that I don't understand the way you are feeling, I will understand. But, one of the lessons I have learned throughout my journey is that I am not supposed to compare myself to others, because we are all different from each other. That might be experiences, circumstances, or value systems etc.

Thus, what is in a hurry for you to have a new relationship when you are not ready? Take your time, and when your are ready then you will have the heart for someone new in your life, until then you are fine the way you are.