Posted: Aug 5, 08 12:46pm
I don't know how to explain this sensation... but sometimes it's like I look back at the twenty years I was married and I'm looking at someone else's life. It's like it was a dream... things are so different now, almost two years after his death, that living the way I did then - it doesn't seem real. It isn't that I can't remember him. I just can't remember - in the visceral way you feel it in a relationship - what it was like to share a life with him every day. I go to bed alone and it's... normal.
I get flashes when it's all right there. I was listening to a recording of Bach's "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring," which is a piece that my husband and I performed together - him on cello, me singing. And THAT feeling I could remember, like being there again. The tears weren't far behind.
Maybe it's a way of coping. Maybe I couldn't stand remembering that life so clearly. Instead I have the odd disconnect, like standing outside of the framework of my own life.
