Okay, but who makes that decision?

Ken, I have to make it for myself. I am hated too much otherwise, even if I am a cynic who means no harm. Some of us just don't have choices anymore. Our stories are all complex, yet if we tell anything with our jaded views brought on by variable impossible circumstances that sound negative, we get crucified for it. Things are very complex, so I find it best to avoid the controversy of my comments which seem to offend most everybody. I apologize for being honest to the point of being hated. So be it. I am what I am, and nobody knows the depths of one's soul nor much cares it seems. Thus, silence is my best friend. I suppose this will be rebutted as well. So let those who are so perfect throw their stones, but without more fodder from me. Nothing is as simple as it seems.

Dude, dude, dude...not to widdle in your cereal, but if I'm correctly reading the feelings behind your post, you're not a martyr, you're just in pain. Sounds like you've tried to illustrate some scenarios from your life and some people didn't appreciate them.

You said, I find it best to avoid the controversy of my comments which seem to offend most everybody. Ask yourself: Is "everybody" really everybody? Or is "everybody" just some people? And are you making these comments to try and share your life or to punch people in the nose?

If indeed you're honest to the point of being hated then unless your last name is "...of Nazareth" I'd say perhaps you're not being as honest as you'd like to think and instead offend for the joy of offending.

Your post resonated with me because I share some of your attributes, and I know how easily my ego slides into what I write and I start tweaking people's noses or tossing grenades into discussions (IRL as well as online) just to watch people react.

As much as you accuse other people of throwing stones, I promise you, you do the same, although you may not realize it or you may call it something else. I know you do the same because you're human, as are we all, and human nature is buggered. It's a tenet of human nature we most do what we accuse others of doing, just as we most hate in other people the attributes we hate most in ourselves.

Ken, maybe I am the sorry ass here. You see, this has been very difficult due to the morose longevity that is a life-threatening unfairness to the two most important loves of my life who were diagnosed with terminal illnesses that take several years to kill. So the ridicule I've seen, the uncaring comments of people that have hurt my child and wife make me a very dangerous man. Yes, I hammer anybody who misunderstands me. If that makes me a bastard, I don't give a damned. So it's a Catch-22, and I find no sources of so-called help willing or able to give me the time of day or show they give a damned about whether my family lives or dies. How would you feel in such a hopeless situation? Just lie back and take the trivial crap that the unknowing in here throw at me? Sure I'll pound the hell outta anybody who doesn't like it. I'm sick and tired of being Mr. Nice Guy. So if anybody hates me for that, then so be it. They can just ignore me, but I need to vent. It's better than killing people isn't it? If nobody here has walked in my particular bloody shoes, then they can bloody well kept their opinions to themselves unless they can say something positive. I'm in pain, yes,,hellacious pain. And I know there is no quarter for men like me. Then I'd sooner die in a hail of bullets rather than just stay silent and die. I hope this makes some sense, because I am certifiably insane after 13 years of this crap. But I appreciate you at least conveying a small sense of appreciating the great pain I'm in. I expect nothing, even though deep inside I wish to be understood. But I see one or 3 naysayers all too ready to shoot me down, and I back down from no one. Life ain't fair, and neither am I anymore. But thanks for you comment. At least you didn't completely shoot me down.

Hi Generationman,

As my fingers hover over the keyboard, I ask myself a few questions...mainly should I post a comment.

I wouldn't begin to say "I understand", I've never walked, nor am I able to walk, in your shoes, let alone travel your path.

But I do want to say that I agree with you, that we each have our stories and how complex they are. Your comments have touched me, and when that happens, I want to offer whatever I can, which is simply, I'm sorry that you are in pain.

Deb

Thanks for the comments. There will be few. The best thing is to let dark clouds pass on, and wait for new members with sun in their lives shine better to your liking. All storms pass on. Best to leave it that way.

I can be a ray of sunshine, particularly since this is the first set of posts I've seen of yours, Generationman. I'm going to try to find other posts to see what you are talking about. I do know that both Ken and Deb are sincere individuals, and you can count on what they say.

So, hang in there, and I'm going on a "search" for your other posts.

Judi