Dear Pastor Curt:

I was married 18 years so I know how hard it is. I have tried to use the time to learn about myself and concentrate on what is good in my life. Sounds like you have a wonderful family--7 children! I have 2 surviving out of 3 and they are very close.

Best,

Pauleena

Sometimes I think those of us going through a divorce in this 20 year range are in a different league of our own. I am curious as to what your thoughts are about why it lasted so long only to fail at the end, why now, and what are the specific stressors or factors that are putting us at higher risk for marriage? I was very surprised that my marriage failed after all this time and I still do not understand it. I only know that my husband seemed to change and when the kids were finally grown and legal (18) it was over for him. It was as if there was an obligation there and once it was completed, it was really over. I had no idea he was even really unhappy until the last year. Do you hear of these kinds of breakups often?

Rosein,

Your situation is just like mine. The divorce filing even appeared in the paper on our 28th anniversary. He put a sticker on his car that said, "Remember who you wanted to be." He never explained what that meant. In fact, he never spoke to me again after the day he suddenly packed and walked out the door, except through his attorney.

"Why" was the huge question for me. I didn't find a solid answer, but I got some amazing clues/information from a book I magically happened upon in a used bookstore. I recommend it to anyone and everyone in your/my situation. It's called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan. It's a quick 11-chapter read that nailed everything that happened to me perfectly. It really helped. Find a copy of this book cheap on Amazon.com.

Oh, and my husband was a pastor. He did some pretty unseemly things in that capacity. Imagine how strange it is for me to find this thread started by another pastor.

I'm in the middle of a divorce after almost 20 years and I am the one who left. It doesn't make it any easier to be the one who left, it's just a decision that, for us, should have been made a long time ago. I have 3 kids, under 18, but we are handling the transition okay. I think it is harder for those of us who were married for a long time because our transition is different. I'm not comfortable jumping into the dating scene because I've been out of it for so long. I'm working full-time when I had been a stay at home mom and that's a huge adjustment for all of us. I'm having a real hard time finding friends who are available to go out, either because they are married, re-married or whatever. I know in my heart that I couldn't stay in the marriage, but this is really, really hard.

As happy/relieved as I was to be out of my marriage, the transition time was difficult. Because I had joint custody, I immediately had free time -- and most of my friends didn't. It takes a while, but you will find new friends who match your schedule better. Perhaps here at TBD :)

Thanks for that tip, Judy. I'm going to look for that book. Although my marriage only lasted 7 years, I also had the "Why" issue. My soon-to-be ex has numerous psychological problems (I'm convinced he's bipolar) and we had our share of squabbles, but for two weeks or so prior to his walking out, I thought we were getting along quite well, almost like a new beginning for us. Turns out he was just faking it because he was seeing a lawyer, making plans, renting an apt., all without ever indicating to me that he was even thinking about splitting up, let alone that he'd already just about moved himself out. I still don't get it, other than that some people just bail when things get difficult instead of trying to work through problems together. Going to look for that book.

I agree. 20+ years for me. The comfort of family life is gone and now there's the challenge of going out and courting new prospective mates. Big changes and challenges. Actually, that's probably why I spend time here at TBD. I have the fun of flirting, communicating, etc. -- all from the comfort and safety of my home. My guess is that not that many of us are actually out there facing the real challenge of dating new people. Maybe this is a first step?!