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Group admin:: myagewriter
Created:: September 28, 2007
: 760 Members

Group Tags:

sexless marriage, sex, desire differences

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Other Woman's Viewpoint

Posted: Jul 30, 08 7:54pm

I've been divorced for 30 years now and have been with a number of men - both married and single. I always try to stay away from the married or attached men by stating in any of my ads that I'm not interested in meeting them, but they still contact me. And yes, a few slip through the cracks because I can tell what really nice guys they are. In fact I have three special married male friends who agree with me we will be friends for life.

#1 is on his 3rd wife and loves her dearly. He says the other 95% of their marriage is fantastic and he was well aware of her low level vanilla need when he married her. When he first contacted me, he said IF he was lucky, they would have sex every other Saturday morning! I couldn't believe he only felt sex was worth 5% of their marriage! He then said, laughing, if he and I were married it would be more like 50%! He is one of my very favorite lovers of my entire life. We live far away from each other now, so we've only been together once in the past two years. He told me it had been a year since he last had sex with his wife. Such a waste of a fantastic lover!

#2 is with his 2nd wife. She went through early menopause over 10 years ago and totally lost all desire for sex. He told me if they just touched upper arms, she would break out in a sweat. When I asked what she thought he should do for his needs, his reply was "she thinks I have no needs!" Again, what a waste of a wonderful lover! We talk on the phone often since I moved away and he's one of my dearest friends. Nothing I can't ask him and we talk over all kinds of subjects.

#3 first contacted me over 6 years ago. We would mostly e-mail back and forth. The first year the word "sex" never came up once. We just talked about all kinds of things in our daily lives. Then he suggested we get together for dinner after that first year. Before we met he explained their oldest adult son had been in a horrific car accident and she devoted all her time and attention to the son and nothing was left for him. The son is much better now but disabled, but in good enough shape that he's even married. In the last four years we've seen each other maybe 5 or 6 times. He's a great guy and is in a miserable marriage. Twice he's told me he's going to give it one more try. Last time and this time it hasn't worked and he calls and we talk and talk long distance.

I guess my point is in all of this: What does the partner expect their spouse to do when they don't offer the much needed comfort and release from sex? I feel guilty being with these married men and I'm sure I'll probably get some criticism from people on here, but I'm also interested in your ideas of what these men should do when its so obvious their spouses don't care about their needs in the bedroom.

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Relationships, sex

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14 Comments // 9 Members

intpj

Posted: Jul 31, 08 2:12am

Why do you feel guilty? and why do you care about what other people think (expecting a criticism)?

It is irrelevant what their partners expect since they themselves are not living up to the expectations.

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wfoster3513

Posted: Jul 31, 08 2:24am

I think they are luck to have a friend like you.

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marilisa

Posted: Jul 31, 08 1:25pm

I agree with u on this issue but I believe there should be an alternitive because I am a woman who has also been with many men that were married and now that I am on the other side of the street I dont know how I could cheat. I really want the attention that those men gave me, from my own husband but I dont know how to make him see that I could do the same thing men do...which is look for it elsewhere!

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Bon Harrison

Posted: Jul 31, 08 7:03pm

I guess I feel guilty because of my Christian upbringing, LOL. Thanks for the post.

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Bon Harrison

Posted: Jul 31, 08 7:05pm

Thanks! I was talking to #2 tonight and told him about what I wrote. He said for me not to look at myself as the "other woman" but as a social worker for men in need! He cracks me up with his humor often!

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DawnKroma

Posted: Jul 31, 08 9:52pm

I don't believe that these men just "slipped through the cracks". No matter how really nice they were you knew before a relationship was started that they were married. You had a choice not to be the "other woman"and you made it. I say this knowing that I myself was once the other woman - and I made that decision too. I also eventually felt badly enough about the situation I gave it up. We are still great friends and always will be but I don't have blinders as to whether or not I meant to do it. And by the way, I have known enough cheating men to tell you that they will all tell you how terrible their marriages and love lives are. That isn't any reason to cheat. That is a reason for therapy, even sex therapy. Or for them to open their mouths in the first place. Or maybe even to look to themselves and see if there is a reason their spouses are acting the way they are. So far as the man with the wife in early menopause, if it bothered him he should have suggested she see a doctor. There are things that can be done these days.

These are all such typical excuses men use for catting around (and women too for that matter! Me included!)

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GoinCoastal

Posted: Aug 3, 08 7:22am

I, too, have a Christian upbringing, but I stopped feeling guilty about my "married friends" a long time ago. 1. I think it's ridiculous to be expected to live without sex. I think it's very selfish for one partner to decide the fate of one aspect of the entire relationship. That's not a marriage. That's indentured servitude. My husband did that to me, and it's cruel. 2. I can give these men something (a lot of things, actually) they need, that their wives don't want to, and won't. That's not MY problem; that's the wives' problem. They've had their chances! Just make sure you are getting the respect you deserve from these men. They need you more than you need them....

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