I've had a lot of resentment in the past, and still some today. I just don't buy this idea that my wife can (completely) love me but never want to touch me, particularly after I've told her how important it is for me. Part of what helped me (recently) is deciding that in the end I'm either going to get what I *need* (not want) out of this marriage (one way or another) or I'm out.

Being willing to let go like that sort of freed me up from wanting to change my spouse. I either can live with reality or not, but I can't change it.

This change in attitude helped our relationship a lot, because I stopped nagging. Paradoxically, it resulted in more sex, because we were getting along better. However, it also made me seriously consider affairs or divorce.

I recently wrote an email to my wife that I probably won't send her, but it is a list of what I need (to stay). It starts out: "I need to feel wanted and desired". It was just a check with myself of what my bottom line is. It seems like I need to know that.

I'm still holding out hope that she will come around, but if not, I need to be prepared to deal with reality such as it is.

dana-7, I haven't read the email you wrote to your wife, but you might want to consider sending it. Sometimes it is easier to say things this way than face-to-face. Just make sure that you end with suggesting a face-to-face conversation and that you follow up with such a conversation.

I think you may have hit upon something that happens in many couples. Once the person with more desire backs off,the other person feels OK about expressing some affection. It is common in couples with a desire difference for one person to constantly feel like they are begging and for the other to feel like they are constantly being pressured. You must break that cycle before you can negotiate a workable agreement.

Your email might be a way to start to break the cycle.

I dont know how I dealt other then with tears...and feeling less of a women...and always feeling alone...Now Im over it ..the anger that is..Maybe a little resentment still hanging around...But shit happens and it happened to us..Your not married Im thinking you have less to have to deal with to move on and find someone who wants you in every way you want a mate...

Doreen, I may indeed have "less to deal with" in regards to moving on, but only in the legal department.Are you telling me the the expense of a divorce is the only thing keeping you from moving on?

I know a lot of over-grown little boys out here would consider the smallest of intimacy problems a deal-breaker, but that's not me. It wouldn't matter if I found somebody who could make my toes curl so much I'd need a chiropractor to straighten them out, my girlfriend would still be my Best Friend Forever.

Unfortunately, that's not agreeable to her. Yes, it's very frustrating and puzzling, this "I don't want anything to do with your talented tongue, but I also don't want you sharing it with anyone else, either."

We actually broke up for a week. We were both so miserable.

And that's where the frustration comes from. I don't understand the dynamics of the female thought process here. "I have no desire to do anything with you, but I also don't want you doing anything with anyone else, either". Not like I'm going to bring something home and give it to her, eh?

I understand Johnny but I also believe I read you live seperately...It wasnt just a divorce I was referring to but also you still live seperately..I can understand there is a also emotional bonds with couples even when the sex goes bad...But this is something your gonna have to weight out..Whats more important in a relationship to you right now...And when ever a relationship ends..Even the bad ones..We still are so use to them being in our lives were gonna feel sometimes lonely and miserable. But again the decision will have to be yours because it is obvious she is happy with the relationship it is you who isnt.

Try traveling to another country. I found Russian women VERY passionate. I had just "had it" with spoiled US women!

There ARE other options.

Dana-7 send her the email,it will make her think about your needs, seems like she is a spoil, brat,, in other words she wants the cake, and the icing. When you have a jealous woman in your hands it's better to get off your marriage.You r better off like Doreen says find yourself someone who will love you and fill your needs.